Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Last night I was heading home pretty late from a friends house. I was almost to the Interstate on one of the major roads in Indy. I was sitting at a red light and watched a car pull out from my right to turn and go the opposite way I was heading. They were moving very slowly and it was obvious they either couldn’t see well, or didn’t have a clue what they were doing. While I watched, they proceeded to go towards oncoming traffic in the turning lane as opposed to getting all the way to the other side where the opposite lanes were. I honked and they slowed slightly from their crawl, but you could tell they were just lost. As I drove away I could still see their tail lights going in the opposite direction than they were supposed to.

Sometimes I feel like that. Like everyone is watching me going very slowly in the wrong direction, or sitting so still I might as well be going backwards. And even though the people that see me are honking, and waving, I’m still going that way b/c frankly while something seems a little off, I haven’t realized that I’m going the wrong way yet. Maybe I’m not really going the wrong way, I just haven’t found the right way yet. Maybe i just need a different perspective.

8 days till I leave for Worship conference and I’m really really looking forward to it. There’s something about being able to leave everything at work and home behind and just meeting God. I allow myself to get so distracted by “life” that I know my focus becomes skewed and He doesn’t get the time and attention He deserves. Do I ever give anything the focus and attention it deserves? There are few things that really frustrate me more than a friendship or relationship or even some sort of project that I’ve put so much time and energy into- that works only until someone finds what they find to be a “better” replacement, or they find something that somehow makes my project or even my presence no longer as necessary. Why as humans is there such an innate sort of feeling over being needed? I hate that I want people to need me, while I hate finding myself needing someone else. It’s a bit of a double standard. I’m not sure really what it says about me. I just know that the people I love most in this world, are partly so dear to me b/c I need them by not needing them. I hope that somehow makes sense outside of my mind. I need some connection. I need a storm and a porch swing, I need a trip to Chicago, I need a rainy step outside of a church, I need lemon lake, I need a rooftop, I need a fountain, I need a roadtrip, I need a nice shady spot in Dunn Meadow, I need a letter dripped on by ice cream and rained on by the clouds above, I need a messy basement and a little worship. Why does it seem that connection is so far away?

What was it about that night? Connection in an isolated age.
For once the shadows gave way to light,

For once I didn’t disengage. ~RENT

Monday, September 29, 2003

People are crazy.

A couple of weeks ago, we had Cheri Keaggy in concert here at the church for our weekend services. While there, an older fellow gave her a CD (not a surprise since people seem to think they’re going to somehow get “discovered” this way). Anyway, this guy was old. Like at least mid 60’s I’d say. The other day he stopped by the church and asked our receptionist if Cheri had mailed his CD back, to which Monica replied “Cheri who?” and he says “Keaggy” with that tone of who else would I be talking about?! So Monica says, not that she knows of. And he tells her that he and Cheri “exchanged” CD’s at her concert, and she’s going to be mailing his back here to the church to him, and if she’d just give him a call with the number on this here business card…”

The title on the business card: Herald Fox With his Oboe of Love
I wish that that was all, but no, on the other side is an actual cartoon of a fox playing an oboe.


I actually would like to thank Herald for bringing me to tears of laughter for not just one but 2 days straight now. Herald Fox With his Oboe of Love, that’s right. You’re reading it correctly, it does sound like the name of a porno. Good news, he’s available for special events Weddings and Funerals as well as ceremonial and patriotic openings. Please let me know if you’d like his number. He has recently moved from Nashville to Indiana or so it looks from the number change, so if you’re in need of some serious Oboe, let me know and I’ll set you up with the Fox. Herald Fox that is.

Friday, September 26, 2003

“Crooked little person trying to tell the truth…”

Today’s one of those feel like I need to write although I’m not sure what about. So I’ll just follow train of thought for a while, if I don’t ever get anywhere then I’ll leave it at that- train of thought…

I had a really good talk this morning with a friend about being the body of Christ. It’s sad that what should and could be such an amazingly beautiful thing ends up being all disjointed and separated. Don’t get me wrong, I know that there needs to be different ways of ministering, b/c people are ministered to in different ways. What works here, wouldn’t necessarily work 1000 or even 10 miles from here. It’s all about the people, and the ways in which they find God and experience Him the most profoundly. I live within under an hour’s drive of probably 5 mega-churches. And while I know there are definitely those people in the church who come b/c it looks good and it’s the thing they feel like they should do, there is definitely a percentage of really authentic believers and participants in the body of Christ. But it’s as if there are walls up between all of the churches- who really cares where someone chooses to worship on a Sunday morning? If we’re living life the way God has called us to live, we should be worshipping Monday through Saturday as well, and Sunday is just a public display of that, and another place to be fed and to serve. Why aren’t we working together to grow as a body? I’m not saying form one large church, I’m saying encourage, lift up, pray for THE church, Christ’s church. Us. Whether we choose to gather in a house church, in a church of 250 or a church of 2000 really doesn’t matter. What matters is whether we’re earnestly seeking Christ, striving to grow in our understanding of who He is, and constantly allowing ourselves to be molded into His image. We can only do so much to advance His kingdom if we’re working as such a disorderly model of what He’d like to see. How effective is a body when they’re all working in separate entities?

Yesterday I got to spend a few minutes talking with a friend and close spiritual mentor from college. For a few minutes of talking about nothing, I caught a glimpse again of the community that we experienced when we were all together sharing ourselves and a ministry down at school. I really miss that. I’m really looking forward to finding that community again.

I’ll leave you with a quote from the book I’m getting ready to read. I’d comment, but I think it speaks for itself.

"Tall and straight I may appear, but I will always be Ada inside. A crooked little person trying to tell the truth. The power is in the balance: we are our injuries, as much as we are our successes."
The Poisonwood Bible- Barbara Kingsolver

Thursday, September 25, 2003

“People rarely change until the pain to remain the same is greater than the pain to change.”

I came across this quote earlier today and it really struck me. I feel like think it’s even could be in direct reference to the way that God changes us. Sometimes we want nothing more than to change something about our lives, but we do nothing. We sit and wait, and often we don’t really even know for what we’re waiting. But there comes a time when it makes you almost physically ill to stay where you are. You are either filled with guilt over the sin that you continue to hold onto and live in, or you’re so weary of being complacent that you can’t help but find an out. For me that means being honest with myself, accepting that not only can I not do it by myself, I don’t want to. It’s such an emancipating feeling that I always try to hold on to for as long as I can, b/c I know soon enough I’ll find myself there again, dealing with something a little different than before. It's like a child that drops their sucker, and picks it back up. And their parent is doing all they can to pry it out of their sticky little hands just to wash it off, and make it clean again. We hold on to our issues like that, not realizing all He wants to do is make them clean again.

Change is coming. I smell it in the air as the temperature drops outside and it looks more and more like fall. I feel it in the pit of my stomach when I think of my future. I hear it in my voice in my prayers whether sung loudly or whispered. I see it on the faces of those that know me best. For some reason I’m finding a lot of peace in this time of turbulence. I think it’s b/c I know He’s moving in me. There’s this fountain in Bloomington on IU’s campus that I love. It’s in front of the music school and it’s of a tall stone structure fountain that faces an entire row of smaller sprays of water. It symbolizes an orchestra with the conductor standing tall in front of his musicians. I always wanted a picture of myself in the middle of that orchestra. It was a thought that came my freshman year, and finally in my senior I finally decided to just do it. So I headed down with a few of my friends late at night, with camera and film (black and white of course) in tow. And I ignored the looks of everyone around me, and climbed in the fountain. It was freezing. It didn’t help matters much that it was already deep into fall, and very chilly on the evenings. But as I stood and let the water fall over me, I raised my hands out, palm up, curved towards Him. I love that picture. It reminds me every time I see it, that I’m a member of His orchestra. Right now, I feel like I’m standing in that fountain, and the water is freezing. Sometimes allowing God to move in your life is like a blast of cold water. It hurts, it stings, but as His musician there’s no better place to be. So I'll let it wash it over me, till I'm numb from the cold, till I'm the woman of God He's called me to be.

I hope I never leave this fountain.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003


I like that it doesn’t take much to make me happy. Here's some stuff that does, maybe it's new, maybe I was just reminded of it this week. Either way, it makes me happy.

1. The harmony between Chris Thile & Glen Phillips- it doesn’t matter the song, I love their sound together.
2. Peach soda- this is definitely a new one.
3. The movie Holes which is actually pretty much just like the book which just never happens.
4. Shia Lebeouf- this is primarily in reference to Holes the movie, but the kid is hilarious in general.
5. Twin Peaks, even though I’m only 3 episodes into it.
6. The color of the sky today.
7. Muppets Take Manhattan.
8. The scent of someone you care about lingering even after their gone.
9. The fact that today I was able to admit readily to a mistake without feeling as if I needed some sort of excuse to make up for the fact.
10. Laughing with your best friend about absolutely nothing

I think I need to spend more time thinking about what makes me happy. Maybe we all should.

And I think I’ve decided that the fall is my favorite season. Granted I think that about the others when they begin as well, but I think I’m almost definite on this one for once. I love the temperatures and the smells and the changing leaves. Even if I move from Indiana, I’m always going to have to come home to visit in the fall. Some things will always remind me of home, fall is definitely one of those. So yeah, fall makes me happy too.

Friday, September 19, 2003

B/c I’m having a week where my thought process isn’t working so well, I’m going to include sections from an email I recently sent to one ‘closer than a brother’.

“The new David CD is just blowing me away. I just want to go far away from work and turn it up really loud and just listen. I couldn’t agree with you more about someone taking the thoughts that I’ve had and putting them into music. My favorite is Deliver Me. I knew that before I even heard the song just from the downloaded bit I listened to- but what’s strange, what’s really strange to me, is the way that the instrumentation is. This might sound just crazy, but it’s like he somehow put music to the way that my soul responds to these words. It reminds me of the teaching I’ve been doing at FISH. Kind of one of those- I open my mouth and things come out in a way that I know I’ve never thought before- this is the way his music is. But it fits, and it explains the way that I have been thinking, just having such a hard time verbalizing. And the music is that response. In particular, the musical interlude following Deliver Me- Coming Toward. That’s exactly how I feel after I sing that song, That I’m drawing near to Him, b/c I’ve just asked to be delivered from everything it is that’s hurting right now. But that my whole life I’ve been wanting everything that He is. Being refined hurts. It burns, it beats down, it kneads me and pulls me in ways I didn’t know I was lacking. I really appreciated your email the other day. Even though I didn’t have time to respond to it, the one about storms and allowing God to tie us down and enjoy the turmoil. That’s where I am right now, and some days, I enjoy it more than others, some days I’m finding a lot of satisfaction, and even some peace in the middle of the ways he’s tearing me apart. It’s kind of like the eye of the hurricane in some respects, some days it’s like I can climb into the eye, and see what he’s doing around me, and some days I can see Him, there on the horizon, waiting for me to take another step, just a little bit closer to Him, and a little bit further into the storm, and to whatever it is He’s calling me to do. Today isn’t really one of those “good” days though. Today I just feel really beaten, and I know we need those days as much as I need the days when I have peace about the ways He’s working on me. I need more community than what I’ve got right now. I can find comfort in my friends and more than that in my God. I know that I for at least the time being, have been called to be alone. And while I wouldn’t say I’m content, I’m at peace with my loneliness. But I need to be surrounded by people who are passionate. Those who know there’s more. People who are willing to be torn and beaten down, to grow together again more as His body of believers than the separatists that we’ve become. And my heart aches for that. It aches for the day when I’m serving Him with everything that I am, instead of just trying to understand what He wants me to learn before I can go. I’m so overwhelmed with all that He is right now. It’s like some days God is so much larger than others. So much more enveloping, so much more engaging. Or maybe it’s the more that he molds me, the closer my soul draws to him. It’s kind of like a prism. You can look through just a rectangular prism and see some of the colors from the spectrum, but if you chisel this prism, into a shape with all of these different facets, then lift it to the light again, you see the colors falling and reflecting everywhere. I want to reflect him in every facet that I am. I want to show his love, and His acceptance, and overall His deliverance, from the meek feeble nomads we’ve become. It’s amazing how still I think I am, while my heart is crying out to Him. I didn’t ever realize to the depths of how that’s possible. “

Some days you just need someone who understands how you feel, to understand it yourself.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

I hate powdery apples. There’s nothing worse than being really excited to eat the apple you’ve got in your hand, only to take one bite and find it’s one of those powdery gritty things, and not at all what you were hoping for. Blast, should’ve known it wasn’t what I thought. The sign was labeled Fuji apples, (which are the BEST apples in the world), and the sticker was labeled Pure. Pure crap is what I think that’s supposed to mean now. Had to throw it away, couldn’t even make it through. Damn the man.

On a happier note, it’s Tuesday which means it’s no longer Monday. I had a good evening last night hanging out with a couple of close friends that I wasn’t expecting to see. It’s always a nice surprise when friends just show up. We ended up having dinner at Hog Heaven this biker BBQ joint. We had a really good time though, and all made plans to have a Twin Peaks party tonight. Somehow I’ve managed to go my entire life never watching a single episode. So my dear friend Pretty was nice enough to give me his VHS tapes since he’s officially upgraded to DVD. So tonight’s the beginning. Since David Lynch is a genius, I’m sure I’ll have some thoughts to add tomorrow.

Read a really great book last week. The Cheese Monkeys by Chip Kidd. Definitely recommend it. It’s about a kid who’s an art major talking about his first 2 semesters of college. That’s all I’m telling you, although the book covering itself is a work of art. Kidd is better known for his Graphic Design work actually, and the book got mixed reviews. It’s different, and has some interesting perspective when it comes to art and graphic design, and just overall conveying your message. Actually forced me to look at some things a little differently- which always means a high review in my mind. So- check it out. It’s not too long, and fairly easy to read. Let me know what you think. (As a sidenote: I love comments- even if I have no idea who you are that’s reading this. So feel free to tell me what you think.)

I realized I never commented on the huge art fair I went to weekend before last. But it’s enough of a story to warrant some discussion. (can you call it discussion when it’s just you writing your thoughts?) So, I’ll hold off on that till later. Since today’s blog wasn’t really deep as far as thinking goes, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes: Maybe I’ll share my thoughts about it later.

"Do we love anything unless it is beautiful? What, then, is beauty and in what does it consist? What is it that attracts us and wins us over to the things we love? Unless there were beauty and grace in them, they would be powerless to win our hearts."
~St. Augustine's Confessions

Monday, September 15, 2003

Came across this one one the Relevant site.

Ever wonder how much your soul is worth?
We Want Your Soul

Ahhh the beauty of satire...

My soul is worth £55755. For my peace of mind, 11% of people have a purer soul than me...

Enough said.
“All of my life- I’ve been in hiding…” DCB

No matter what your calling might be, part of the trick of staying passionate is to remember what it was like at the beginning, when something inside you said, “This is it.” ~Kevin Spacey

I wonder sometimes what my calling is. If I really let myself think about what it is, deep down, I think I know. But isn’t that actually scarier than not knowing? To think that the one thing we desire more than anything else, to do for God, is possible? I tend to avoid thinking about it sometimes just b/c it’s so overwhelming. To know that right now I’m being prepared for something, that only I have been called to do- that in the huge puzzle of humanity, I’m the best fit. Or at least I will be, after God does some more shaping and refining. Granted our lives are one big experience of molding and forming us into His image. Sometimes are much more obvious than others though. Right now I know He’s working on me. I worry that whatever it is will call me far away from everyone I love. B/c lately I’ve been much more likely to keep my thoughts to myself, to not share everything with those closest to me. Maybe there’s some selfish reasoning there- they don’t share everything with me b/c they all have their “other” to share with, but I think in a much bigger way, He’s preparing me to not having someone on hand at all times to share with. And as strange as it sounds, I’m ok with that. A little wistful, and I’ve found myself much more nostalgic than usual, but somehow at peace with it.

“Deliver me, courage to guide me. Deliver me, your strength inside me.” David Crowder Band

There’s really no better feeling than nothing that you are exactly where God has called you to be. Or if you’re not there, you soon will be.

Speaking of nostalgia- the weather today is perfect. It’s absolutely beautiful outside. Low to mid 70’s with just a few scattered clouds. I walked outside earlier and if I closed my eyes tight enough, I was back in Bloomington walking up the steps to 820. Sometimes I miss that place so much I can hardly stand it. It really has nothing to do with college, yeah college was great and all, but it has everything to do with that feeling of community. Of knowing that whenever you walked in the door, chances were someone would be on hand to welcome you. Someone would be on hand to listen to you. Someone would be on hand to laugh with you. This time in the fall is the worst. And it’s funny. I know that in fall, things are starting to change and beginning to die down, but I’ll always think of it as a time of new beginnings. I’d trade a week for just one ‘normal’ day in the house. Complete with dripping wet hair to wake me up, (no names needed) serious talks on the kitchen counters, trips to the Bigfoot for $.62 Mountain Dews, climbing on the roof, hearing music blaring from the bathroom where you could always tell who was in the shower without a word being said. (Angry heavy guitar driven, SheDaisy, Christina Aguilera, Billy Joel, and RENT), talks on the porch swing, community taco nights, and Friends reruns. Sometimes I miss it so much it’s hard to breathe. Today’s one of those days. I’ll never forget Bloomington in the fall. Sidewalk chalk, new school supplies, and friends. Some who became closer than sisters.

Some memories I pray never fade.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

I’m going bald.
Well figuratively speaking maybe.

I don’t usually remember a lot of my dreams. However this one last night was incredibly vivid. Or at least one part of it. I had a conversation with someone the other day about dream interpretations. Not something I’m into, although if I have a particularly vivid dream that doesn’t make sense to me, I’ll look it up and see if whatever it says makes sense to what I’m feeling. Strangely enough, I think this one was pretty close even if I hadn’t realized it.

I dreamed I was going bald. I pulled back my hair and had this incredibly large section where there was like no hair. You couldn’t really see it unless I pulled my hair back, and I remember thinking how strange it was. Not just strange. Eerily ugly. I mean, this very large bald spot with just the occasional little hair. Eeeee. It was something that I’d just discovered, it wasn’t something I was aware of along the way. Odd. So here’s the information that I found when looking it up. I looked up bald and then losing your hair, and they don’t really sound as if they make sense, in the different “meanings” they could have, but when I look at the two of them, they both hold fairly true right now in my life.

“Bald: To dream that you are going bald, suggests a lack of self-esteem or worries about getting older. Alternatively, baldness symbolizes humility, purity, and personal sacrifice. You are at a stage in your life where you are confident in fully exposing yourself.”

The part about lack of self-esteem and worries about getting older, might hold a little true, but it’s not something that I’m at all consumed with. No more than the average person. The part that holds the most truth there is “you are at a stage in your life where you are confident in fully exposing yourself.” That makes sense. I’ve, especially in the last several months, kind of comes to grips I guess you could say, with how different I am. And I’m ok with it. I’ve actually found it to be a blessing instead of something I was going to have to work through. While most people don’t really understand, or know how to relate to me, I find that I can relate to most anyone. And I know that God is really working on me, and on the areas He’s really calling me to develop for what’s next. Anyway, maybe I relate well, or I’m more perceptive at least because I spend so much of my time just watching people. I’m one of those people who has just as much fun going places to watch people as to actually partake in what’s going on. (Sidebar: I made the trip to get the new Harry Potter book at midnight the day it came out, partly b/c of the fact that I enjoy the books, but more so to watch the kids get excited about reading, and see who else comes out for a book release at midnight. Included in this sidebar- I’ll insert the email that I wrote to a friend, (yeah you Keith) about my adventure…

“(Note to reader: I know that by admitting things like this to you, I may appear as a bit of a nerd. However, you know me, and know in some ways, I am already particularly nerdy. So who cares.) I went to buy the new Harry Potter book. I'll be honest though that was only part of my reasoning for going. Yes, I wanted to buy the book, but more so b/c I absolutely love to see kids get excited about reading. You wouldn't believe how many people were there. I wandered around with seriously hundreds of other people. Found myself in a line to get a nametag and even some nice plastic harry potter glasses. Eventually they started forming lines to pick up your book. I then spent the next hour+ in line right in front of an 11 year old hyperactive child named Carlos. The minute we lined up, he started in, and his mom looked at me and says and I quote, "I'm sorry. He's going to bug the hell out of you." I just laughed, but wow she wasn't kidding. the next hour was spent hearing her say "carlos stop!, carlos don't break your glasses!, carlos don't climb that, the books will fall!, carlos don't hit your sister!, carlos go run around and come back!, carlos you've got to sit still! Carlos read this book!, carlos calm down!!," at one point she said, "why won't you please just calm down? these other kids are calm." at which point he replied "but they're not hyperactive." and she says, "you can't always use that as an excuse."


and all of this i got b/c i tried to take my time lining up so as to not end up behind the extremely annoying girl who wouldn't leave me alone earlier. One of those people who says, "I've never waited this long for a concert even." I as well as a couple of others around me just laugh and share that connection of knowing we've all slept in cars, on sidewalks, waited a lot longer than the average person has to see a show or hear a concert.

was it worth it? you might ask yourself, and my answer is an absolute yes, from the annoying girl, to seeing carlos run like crazy across the parking lot in the dark on our way out followed by the yells of his mother "carlos you're going to get hit. You've got to stop running!" it was well worth the wait..”

sidebar end.

I love to watch people. And wow is this a complete and total derail from my baldness dream commentary, so I’ll wrap it back around there. After looking up bald and finding above (way up there) definition, I looked up losing your hair and found this:

“Losing Your Hair: You are preoccupied with aging and your appearance. Losing your hair also signifies a lack of strength and that you do not possess the power to succeed in an undertaking. You may be feeling weak and vulnerable.”

No, I’m not preoccupied by my appearance but I have felt lately a lack of strength and feeling a bit weak and vulnerable. Both of which are things that I’m not good at feeling so I’ve been trying to deal with them without making this obvious to anyone else. I’m pretty sure that anyone close to me can see that I’m failing miserably, but I’ve realized along the way it’s b/c God wants me to fail miserably. Don’t get me wrong, not fail at the things He’s called/calling me to do, but He wants me to fail at overcoming vulnerability. We have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to really love people, and right now more than anything else He just wants me to love His people. He calls us all to love certain groups, and I know who He’s called me to love. While I’m not completely sure the manner in which He’s calling me to minister to them, I know who they are. And on a much smaller scale, He’s been giving me opportunities here to minister to them. Through teaching, which is something I never thought of myself as being, and through relationships, that I’ve realized they need a great deal more than I do- if that makes sense. At the same time, God is using these friendships, and these people that He’s called me to love, to teach me an awful lot about myself. Where I fall short, and where my strengths lie. It’s a good lesson in humility, and vulnerability.

I guess to wrap things up, I’m feeling weak and vulnerable while at the same time completely confident in exposing myself. I’m a walking oxy-moron of sorts. But really, what else is new?

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Take me deeper...

“I long to shout the cure from this mountain’s peak. Instead my whispered words are all that I can speak.” Purdue CCH Worship

Wow, I’m weary today. I don’t think I’m sleeping well. I’m not sure if it’s subconscious stress or what the deal is, but something is just off with me.

I did however get my registration lined up for Worship Conference in the beginning of October. I think last year about this time I was feeling the same way- just needed a little serious worship. Away from the distractions of work, away from the distractions of life. October is looking to be a really good month. I’ve got worship conference the 9-11th, and then the following weekend I’ve got pretty much my absolute perfect weekend lined up. Nickel Creek Friday in Cincinnati, then RENT in Indy Saturday afternoon, then Saturday night the Passion Experience Tour w/ Giglio, Tomlin, & Hall. Granted Crowder won’t be there which is a bummer, but since Tomlin is my favorite of the three, I’ll deal. I could pause for a moment and comment on what it means that I’m spending my Saturday afternoon with RENT and then the evening with the Passion Experience Tour, but hey at least it’s in the right order… :)

You can tell it’s an off day when I have to spend my blog time talking about something that’s still a month out. I wonder if someone random happens to read my blog that they will think of me as an unhappy person. It’s really the furthest thing from the truth. Weary yes, unhappy, not at all. I wonder how long people can spend in one place with no sort of outlet or form of expression. I feel a lot like the song I quoted above. I long to shout the cure, but honestly all I can do is whisper it right now b/c I’m so weary. At least I know God hears our whispering just as well as he hears our shouts. I actually read a quote once “God whispers to us in our joy and shouts to us in our pain.” Maybe that’s b/c when we’re broken, our whispers are louder than our shouts could ever be. Today's prayer is actually a song, so I'll leave you with it.

Everything- Lifehouse

Find me here, speak to me.
I want to feel you, I need to hear you.
You are the light that is leading me
To the place where I find peace again

You are the strength that keeps me walking.
You are the hope that keeps me trusting.
You are the life to my soul.
You are my purpose, you are everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, you give me rest,
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You still my heart and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in, would you take me deeper now ?'

Cause you're all I want you are all I need you are everything, everything.
you're all I want you are all I need you are everything, everything.
you're all I want you are all I need you are everything, everything.
you're all I want you are all I need you are everything, everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

“Take off your Band-aid because I don’t believe in touchdowns…”

I’m not sure how well the day is starting off. I made it to work and realized that I had my shirt on inside-out.
I’m 25 years old, and I still have trouble dressing myself. Geez.

However, after sitting here thinking about it for a while, I found it to be a good illustration of where I am right now. God is trying to transform me. I’m more aware of it right now in my life than I have ever been before. Mainly b/c I’m uncomfortable. Some of the relationships that I usually glean a great deal of worth out of, seem to be falling short and I realize it’s due to change. Change of me, and change of them, change of surrounding, and I think more than anything else- change of perspective.

God wants to change us from the inside out. B/c what is an internal change, becomes an external display. I wonder how much I hold in those internal changes. I think when they’re fresh, even though they’ve now become a part of who we are, it’s not yet enough commonplace to feel natural when it comes out. Not that it’s an upsetting sort of change to say the least. I just continually find myself somewhat surprised at the words that come out of my mouth. Words that sound foreign, but at the same time, don’t feel a bit foreign. And I wonder why I’ve never realized I felt this way or thought this way before. It’s a verbal outpouring of the change from the inside-out.

Well anyway, just some thoughts this Tuesday morning. I’m sure you’re wondering where in the world the first line came from on my entry here. Yes I know it makes no sense. They’re lyrics from the Wilco song, I am Trying to Break Your Heart. I’m trying to expand my music awareness a bit. While trying to expand my music collection, I’m picking up new stuff each week. Last week I got a couple new bluegrass Albums. Ricky Skaggs’ new one and his fiddlers solo CD. (They were in concert here at my church Friday night, and since I had to work it, I got to hear a bit of the show.) Anyway, this week there are two bands -Wilco as I previously mentioned and The White Stripes. I’m enjoying them both immensely. Strangely enough, (not so strange to anyone who knows me, and knows how much I love NC) Wilco and The White Stripes are two bands that Nickel Creek has sampled into their live stuff. Which is how I first became interested. Thus far, all I’ve got on hand are Summerteeth by Wilco and White Blood Cells by The White Stripes. I’m really hoping to find someone with a copy of Yankee Hotel Foxtrot so I can check it out. It’s the one I’ve heard the most about. I love new music. Sometimes I feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day to listen to all the music I would like to hear. While on the topic of new music some other songs that are currently at the top of the “listen” list are “Honest Men Make the Best Liars” by NC and also their cover of the Weezer song Take Control.

Funny how some songs you just grab onto for some reason or another- Take Control is one of those…
"And I won't let you down
Drag your name all over town
And I won't be comin' back 'round here no more"
I do feel a change coming. In the sleepless nights, and silent moments that I find myself really listening. I know that change is coming. And I also know that God is preparing me for this change.
From the inside out.

Monday, September 08, 2003

Why is it that stepping into a license branch is like stepping into a parallel universe? These people are crazy. If I heard one more person, maybe I should specify employee, who is paid by the state, yelling about how they're A. going crazy or B. someone has stolen their forms, I might have actually begun to yell myself. And really do I ever yell? Wow, seriously. But hey, good news is, I only had to wait for 15 people to go ahead of me before I could renew my license.

Maybe I should pause here for a little confession- I know confession is good for the soul so here goes.
My license has been expired for over 3 months now- make that 97 days. Why you ask? I could make some sort of excuse here or profess my forgetfulness, but to be honest, I've known since about 2 days after my birthday that they were expired. I know you're now asking yourself, why Liz have you waited so long? Gross, callous neglect maybe? I can't say for sure. I do know there for a while I felt a bit like the Seinfeld episode where Kramer and Newman drive for miles with the car's gas gauge on E just to see how far they could go. Truth of the matter is, I just didn’t want to. I flat out didn’t want to visit those mind-numbing walls of annoyance that they call a license branch. The little “issue” however became painfully clear a little over a week ago when I was pulled over. For what you ask? Speeding of course. I was speeding. I however didn’t realize that I was going 50 in the 25 mph school zone. Eeeeee. This could pose any number of problems beginning with
a. I have ZERO money for a ticket
b. I was going 25 over which would mean a big fat ticket
c. I was going 25 over in a SCHOOL zone which means an even bigger, fatter ticket. (I heard later that they’ve been given automatic $125 tickets for school zone/bus passing issues AND automatic 6 points for your license.)
d. I never paid my ticket from that glorious “Scarlet the ’89 Dodge Daytona meets Mack the ’99 semi truck” incident. Failure to control HA! (Not that my lack of actual fault makes it any better or somehow pays the ticket for me…)
e. And finally- to restate the obvious, my license is expired.

As the cop walked up to the car, I nearly confessed everything and put out my bare wrists declaring “Cuff me, get it over with, I know my time has come…” What actually happened however was that the cop somehow didn’t notice (by the grace of God I might add). How is this possible? Or maybe I should say what is he doing back there for 15 minutes if it’s not running my license through his computer, realizing I’m expired? Regardless (which for those of you who aren’t sure is ALWAYS regardless- NEVER EVER irregardless.) he hands me a written warning, and I drive away unscathed. I am so above the law. (waits for lightening to strike…)

Well I broke down, after some fervent pleas from good ol mom, I went and renewed my license. So here is my top ten list from my most recent license branch experience.

Top 10 Reasons the ‘Branch is the place to be.
#10. Rude workers
#9. Rude workers who don’t pay attention to the fact that elderly people take longer to get to their desk and have long since passed that number by the time they make it to the counter which just really pisses me off.
#8. Everyone enjoys children playing w/ barbies in the entryway.
#7. Far and away one of the best Mohawks I’ve seen in a REALLY REALLY long time.
#6. Those little number tags that you repeatedly look at thinking maybe somehow your number has changed along the way.
#5. 30-something businessmen muttering under their breath about parking tickets while they play their gameboys.
#4. An extension of #10 & #9, the worker who feels it’s her job to yell at the other workers, jokingly, just to here herself speak. (I'm sure she's one of those who feels like she has to yell in the drive thru mic for them to hear her order... I'd hate to see her on Wheel of Fortune, hey Lady, those mic's are there to amplify, you don't have to yell at Pat about the vowel you'd like to purchase. wow, i'm digressing)
#3. Those displays with the license plates from every state- (anyone else ever wanting to steal one of those?)
#2. The location that’s always out in the middle of nowhere and convenient for no one.
#1. There’s no better way to spend your lunch hour.

The good news is that I have to go back in about a month to get my plates renewed. Joy of all joys, I’m looking forward to that one.

Sorry for my gross callous neglect on the blogging as well. It's been crazy around here. I'll try and actually write something worth reading later...