Monday, September 08, 2003

Why is it that stepping into a license branch is like stepping into a parallel universe? These people are crazy. If I heard one more person, maybe I should specify employee, who is paid by the state, yelling about how they're A. going crazy or B. someone has stolen their forms, I might have actually begun to yell myself. And really do I ever yell? Wow, seriously. But hey, good news is, I only had to wait for 15 people to go ahead of me before I could renew my license.

Maybe I should pause here for a little confession- I know confession is good for the soul so here goes.
My license has been expired for over 3 months now- make that 97 days. Why you ask? I could make some sort of excuse here or profess my forgetfulness, but to be honest, I've known since about 2 days after my birthday that they were expired. I know you're now asking yourself, why Liz have you waited so long? Gross, callous neglect maybe? I can't say for sure. I do know there for a while I felt a bit like the Seinfeld episode where Kramer and Newman drive for miles with the car's gas gauge on E just to see how far they could go. Truth of the matter is, I just didn’t want to. I flat out didn’t want to visit those mind-numbing walls of annoyance that they call a license branch. The little “issue” however became painfully clear a little over a week ago when I was pulled over. For what you ask? Speeding of course. I was speeding. I however didn’t realize that I was going 50 in the 25 mph school zone. Eeeeee. This could pose any number of problems beginning with
a. I have ZERO money for a ticket
b. I was going 25 over which would mean a big fat ticket
c. I was going 25 over in a SCHOOL zone which means an even bigger, fatter ticket. (I heard later that they’ve been given automatic $125 tickets for school zone/bus passing issues AND automatic 6 points for your license.)
d. I never paid my ticket from that glorious “Scarlet the ’89 Dodge Daytona meets Mack the ’99 semi truck” incident. Failure to control HA! (Not that my lack of actual fault makes it any better or somehow pays the ticket for me…)
e. And finally- to restate the obvious, my license is expired.

As the cop walked up to the car, I nearly confessed everything and put out my bare wrists declaring “Cuff me, get it over with, I know my time has come…” What actually happened however was that the cop somehow didn’t notice (by the grace of God I might add). How is this possible? Or maybe I should say what is he doing back there for 15 minutes if it’s not running my license through his computer, realizing I’m expired? Regardless (which for those of you who aren’t sure is ALWAYS regardless- NEVER EVER irregardless.) he hands me a written warning, and I drive away unscathed. I am so above the law. (waits for lightening to strike…)

Well I broke down, after some fervent pleas from good ol mom, I went and renewed my license. So here is my top ten list from my most recent license branch experience.

Top 10 Reasons the ‘Branch is the place to be.
#10. Rude workers
#9. Rude workers who don’t pay attention to the fact that elderly people take longer to get to their desk and have long since passed that number by the time they make it to the counter which just really pisses me off.
#8. Everyone enjoys children playing w/ barbies in the entryway.
#7. Far and away one of the best Mohawks I’ve seen in a REALLY REALLY long time.
#6. Those little number tags that you repeatedly look at thinking maybe somehow your number has changed along the way.
#5. 30-something businessmen muttering under their breath about parking tickets while they play their gameboys.
#4. An extension of #10 & #9, the worker who feels it’s her job to yell at the other workers, jokingly, just to here herself speak. (I'm sure she's one of those who feels like she has to yell in the drive thru mic for them to hear her order... I'd hate to see her on Wheel of Fortune, hey Lady, those mic's are there to amplify, you don't have to yell at Pat about the vowel you'd like to purchase. wow, i'm digressing)
#3. Those displays with the license plates from every state- (anyone else ever wanting to steal one of those?)
#2. The location that’s always out in the middle of nowhere and convenient for no one.
#1. There’s no better way to spend your lunch hour.

The good news is that I have to go back in about a month to get my plates renewed. Joy of all joys, I’m looking forward to that one.

Sorry for my gross callous neglect on the blogging as well. It's been crazy around here. I'll try and actually write something worth reading later...


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