Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Go where you want to go
Be what you want to be
~The Weepies

I’ve been trying to do some much needed cleaning out because I’m getting ready to move. It’s really amazing how much stuff I can pack into approximately 25 square feet of living space. (really, it’s that small. You should see it. I’ve seen bigger closets). Anyway, nothing new here, I’m not good at throwing things away. Whether that’s clothes, shoes, cards or letters, I just don’t throw things away. In fact my mom told my sister that she wanted them to just show up as I was leaving for work one day and clean out my clothes without me. She said if I asked about one shirt in the next two years she’d gotten rid of, she’d consider it a success. Super. I’m really working on it though, and not just with what I own. But with who I am. I’m going to say something that is going to come across probably really selfish, but I’m not sure how else to put it. I think for a long time I’ve just been ignoring myself. I live in this body and this world and I go through the motions and soon all the days run into each other and I wonder what it was about the day before and the month before that, that I’ve allowed to make me numb to what’s going on around me. And I realized I hadn’t been paying attention. I think I had become this person that I hardly recognized. I knew I was still in there somewhere, but I had covered it up with distractions and stress and unhealthy relationships and weight and fear and frustration. And I saw it all, all of a sudden. I looked at a picture taken right after Christmas and I didn’t recognize myself anymore. It wasn’t just about the weight, it was about the girl inside. And I didn’t like it. And I realized that no one but me can change this. I’m the only person responsible here. So I’ve started doing something about it. And slowly I see myself coming back. I’m trying to love my weaknesses as much as I love my strengths. But it’s such a difficult process. I have to clean everything out and start over. And I realized as I was cleaning out things at home, that I’m the same way inside. I came across some old letters, and not the ones that you want to keep. The ones that really sucked to read the first time. The ones that point out your faults and your failures. And these are from years and years ago but I’m not at all sure why I decided to keep them. I realized something when I picked them back up though. I do the same thing in my heart everyday. I don’t let things go. I don’t forgive myself. I don’t let go of my failures. And when I saw the picture in December, I could see that in myself. And I didn’t even recognize that girl. I had become this muted version of myself that was slowly disappearing the bigger I got. I don’t talk about my weight on this blog. As much as I’ve talked about everything else, and tried to never have a censor, I stopped just short of the weight talk every time. Because if I talked about it here, even to the three readers I have, it would be admitting it was a problem. And I saw that every day. When I got up, when I looked in the mirror, when I went to work, when I came home, when I went to bed. The more I held on to my failures and my weaknesses, the heavier I became. Why would I even bother telling you something you obviously already see? But the truth is, it wasn’t just weight. It was years of never really looking at myself. Never looking at who I want to be. Never looking at where I want to go. Years of reminding myself of the ways I’ve failed, the relationships I’ve ended, the people that I have hurt. And the truth is, I was only hurting myself in this. The things I still allowed myself to feel guilty for, were forgiven a long time ago. So this year so far has really been about just that, me cleaning out my life, for lack of a better metaphor. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, all the things that I’ve been ignoring for a long time. And while it’s only about 4 months in, I can already see the differences. In how I love and how I breathe. In how I laugh and how I feel. And for the first time in a long time, when I look in the mirror I see myself.

I can’t really say why everybody wishes
they were somewhere else.
But in the end the only steps that matter
are the ones you take all by yourself.
And you and me, walk on, walk on, walk on
Cause you can’t go back now.
~The Weepies

Monday, April 21, 2008

I think I have a problem. I feel like it’s important to just get it out in the open. Admit to it. Move on.

I’m an apple snob.

I will even visit multiple grocery stores to find the right kind. There is only one right kind and not everyone carries it. Kroger unfortunately has let me down on numerous occasions. At numerous locations. So far Target has my back, as well as the Marsh/O-Malia’s across* the street from work. But I worry that they will stop carrying them and I’ll be forced to go back to my second place finisher, Fuji. Which up till a couple months ago, really got the job done. Just not anymore. Now it’s only the Pink Lady for me. That’s a sentence I sure never imagined myself saying. The older I get (which is almost 30 ladies and gentlemen who are still paying attention, if anyone is still out there) the more I realize that I can be really picky about specific things. I only like 1 kind of turkey lunchmeat (archer farms honey roasted turkey, shaved) and I typically only buy 1 kind of milk, Oberweiss. I think I’m becoming a snob all around. I think I might need to go buy some potted meat just to even it out. (Hey Kevin, do you think the Swifty still carries it?)

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, you didn't blog for almost 9 months and you come back to discuss your grocery habits. (I'm thinking it too.) Well apples are just that important. And I can't make it something profound, or you will come to expect it. And that's just not how I work.

I am moving in less than 3 weeks. Who wants to come clean out my shoes for me?

*Why does a large percentage of the population feel that across needs to have a past tense put to it and say acrossed? Because it’s never ok. And I have to admit, having that word in my business’ name means that I hear it, over and over and over again. And every single time, I just want to yell ACROSS! IT’S JUST ACROSS FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! Some people like to call this overkill. They would be correct.