Friday, April 29, 2005

I forgot what it felt like to not be enough for someone.

It makes my heart hurt.
A lot.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Elizabeth and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week Top 10

#10. I should be getting off work in 2 hours to travel to Portsmouth, OH to see my very favorite group in the entire world, Nickel Creek, with one of my very favorite people in the entire world Pretty. However it’s renewals and the opening night of Riverdance so she couldn’t “in good conscience” let me off work. So instead I’m going to sit at my desk, doing virtually nothing all afternoon. Maybe I’ll tally my phone calls received and orders processed just to pout about it a little more.

#9. It’s raining, and not even 60 degrees outside. I am still however wearing sandals as if it’s 75. I refuse to let dropping temperatures ruin my choice of shoe.

#8. I don’t make sense even to myself. I can feel so strongly one way that I react an entirely different way. And I think some people more than others get the brunt of that, and for that I’m incredibly sorry.

#7. Today I talked to a Menopausal woman wanting info on Menopause. We were doing great till we got to the location of the theatre. Then I couldn’t even tell her if the theatre, which is all of 3 blocks from me, was north or south of the circle. Why in the world was I born without an internal compass?

#6. Alison Krauss and Union Station are going to be Indianpolis in July. It’s also the very same week I’ll be in North Carolina on vacation. Blast.

#5. That very same week I’m on vacation, is the very same week that Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the new Harry Potter book come out, completely screwing up my plans of midnight movie viewing and book buying.

#4. Did I mention that I should be hearing Nickel Creek live tonight instead of coming through my crappy computer speakers right now?

#3. Dandy. The mail just came and instead of our normal amount of 20 or so renewals, today when I’m here on my own at least for the morning, we received 61 motherluving renewals. Good times.

#2. I read today where Indianapolis is number 6 in the nation for most depressed city. How sad. I’m not a depressed person, unless you count my terrible, no good, very bad week, in which case I’d say that’s temporal.

#1. As if the fact that I can’t go to Portsmouth to see Nickel Creek tonight in 5th row center wasn’t nearly enough, Pretty said they were planning to go backstage after the show… Of all the luck…

I think I need a vacation.

I need a change of scenery. I need a change of pace. I need a sense of direction. I need to understand my calling. I need to feel important. I need to feel smart. I need to feel creative. I need to feel loved. I need to love. I need to feel. I need to laugh. I need to cry. I need to sing. I need to sleep. I need to go away. I need to pray. I need to give. I need to not give up. I need to open my eyes. I need to let God. I need to listen. I need to be quiet.

I walk in the air between the rain,
Through myself and back again.
Where? I don't know....

Round here we're carving out our names
Round here we all look the same
Round here we talk just like lions
But we sacrifice like lambs....
Round here.

Friday, April 22, 2005

A song to sing

When I was a little girl, one of my absolute favorite places to play was my closet. I know it sounds strange, but it’s true. I had a walk-in closet at the big white house in Charlottesville that I would spend hours in. Doing puzzles or napping or reading. I loved it there. Today, what I want to do more than anything in the world is crawl in that closet and go to sleep. Please don’t think that I’m unhappy. Sometimes I worry that what I write on here makes me sound like I’m a very depressed person, and that’s totally not the case. I’m happy. Maybe the happiest I’ve ever been. But part of me today just wants to hide. I don’t want to think about anything and I don’t want to do anything. I want a book, my blanket, and a nice little corner to lie in. I woke up last night to the storm outside, wide awake at 3 a.m. So I laid there and listened to the rain for a while before finally nodding back off. It reminded me of this time at school when I was completely overwhelmed by what was going on in my life. I’d gone outside to sit on my step and blow bubbles, b/c for some reason that always calms me down. And while I sat out there blowing bubbles, the rain started to fall. And I just kept trying to blow bubbles. And with every breath, the rain fell harder. So finally I just gave up. And I sat there. For the longest time I didn’t even move at all. I kept thinking that if I just sat there a little longer, maybe it’d wash some of my thoughts away. Today I just want to wash some of those thoughts away. Have you ever just wanted to make your mind stop and be for a while? I think that’s why I always loved to read so much. Even as a kid I’d even read while watching tv, or while I was in class (which my teachers always loved). B/c as long as I’m reading my mind is on something other than the 5000 different things that are on my heart. Lately I’ve just felt a little out of control and I hate it. For as over the top as I typically am with everything else, my mind and my feelings and my emotions are things that I try desperately to control. Lately I haven’t had control of that. I think that’s my own fault b/c I’ve prayed about it so much that God would take that control away from me. But now that He has, part of me desperately just wants it back. When I control how I feel, and when I control what I think, then I feel safe. When I realize that these things are in the hand of Someone else, even when it’s Someone who knows me so much better than I know myself- I get scared. I’m just so afraid to fall and I’m just so afraid to fail. Maybe I’m not doing enough. Maybe I’m not being enough. I’ve been disappointed in myself lately. How I’ve reacted to things, how I’ve reacted to people I care about. It’s always a little daunting when I realize just how far I’ve got to go. Something’s just don’t ever make sense. Maybe some things even if it's myself- aren’t ever supposed to. For now, I think I’ll just turn the music up.

Goodbye four leaf clovers.
Hello gone awry
Don’t cry the fight ain’t over
Unless you let it pass you by

I’m looking for a song to sing,
Looking for a friend to borrow.
I’m looking for my radio.
So I might find a heart to follow.

I’ve never been this
Longing for your lovin’
I’ve never been so
Wearin’ down to nothin’
I’ve never been just
Looking for a reason.
So maybe you’ve been thinkin’
Of me.
Oh...You’ve been thinking of me.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Reason #823 Why My Little Sister is the Coolest 11-Year-Old in the World:

Emily: I need a boyfriend.

Me: No, you don’t. I didn’t have one till jr. high and I don’t think I kissed anyone till I was 15.

Emily: Really? I don’t need to kiss anyone. I just need a boyfriend. Everyone else has one.

Me: No, you don’t need one. Why do you need one?

Emily: Because everyone does and they buy you things off of olive cart, and you give them things off olive cart.

Me: Olive Cart?

Emily: Yeah, at lunch. They’ll buy you chips off of Olive Cart.


Emily: Well whatever it is yeah.

Me: Monster, it’s most definitely not an olive cart. It’s called A’La Carte.

Emily: Well whatever it is, I need a boyfriend.

Me: What else is on the Olive Cart?

Emily: Chips, and cookies and fruit roll-ups.

Me: Fruit Roll-ups?! Sweet. I need a boyfriend to buy me stuff off the Olive Cart.

Emily: Liiiiizzzz, come on.

Me: Emily, I’ll give you a dollar, you can buy yourself some chips. You don’t need a boyfriend.

Emily: You don’t get it.

Me: OLIVE CART?! I think you don’t get it.

Sometimes I wish I could be 11 again. Then other times, when I think about suddenly how important it became to get a boyfriend because everyone else has one, I realize I’m so glad it’s so long ago. I definitely didn’t ever fit that boyfriend-friendly mold there for quite a few years. People who’ve seen my old pictures can attest to that. A certain someone said I had a bad decade. Well he tried to say decade, but he said century… I’m still hoping that was an accident. :) I was thinking about school and the me that I was in school just yesterday. I stopped by the tanning place where my step-sister works to tan on my way to Mom’s yesterday. I thought maybe just maybe I’d make it out of there without seeing someone I know. But no luck. There in line right in front of me was a guy who graduated the year before me. I’m sure I talked to him some in high school. Nice guy, big jock. But suddenly I was incredibly self-conscious and I didn’t even make eye contact with him, much less say hi. That’s so unlike me. I could care less what Andy thinks of me, and for the most part I’m very confident in who I am. Somehow high school and all of those people that I never felt comfortable around before still give me that same feeling of inadequacy. It makes no sense to me. I guess I didn’t really know who I was then. Don’t get me wrong. I was really happy. I loved school. I had really great friends that I still have to this day. But there was that group of people that no matter what I did, I felt completely inadequate beside even if they liked me and were normal around me. I don’t know that they ever did anything to prompt those feelings. I think so much of those types of feelings are completely a personal thing. I “allowed” myself to feel somehow not worthy next to them and why? B/c I didn’t drink and I didn’t have sex? B/c I went to church every week and actually got good grades? I don’t know. But I was disappointed in myself yesterday. And I hate that feeling. It reminded me of the things that I used to not do just b/c I was single and I would’ve had to go by myself. Whether that was the movies, or a concert or even shopping- I found that I was more disappointed in myself staying home just b/c I was by myself, than I was uncomfortable at the fact that I was by myself. So even when I’d hate it- I still made myself do things. Thinking about it now, that seems a little bit masochistic- or maybe just plain stubborn. I don’t know. I guess some things we never outgrow.

Like right now, I’d really like a fruit roll-up.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Have you seen my other shoe?

I’ve lost 2 flip-flops. That’s right. 2. You’d think, ok, Liz, 1 pair is not bad. But it’s not 1 pair. It’s ½ of 2 pair. And it’s completely screwed up 2 of my favorite pairs of flip-flops. How did I do that? If you’ve seen my shoe collection, you’d say, well I KNOW how you did that. There’s not a lot of organization involved. But I still don’t understand where 2 shoes could have gone from being put in my closet last fall till now. I’m sure they’re hanging out somewhere with all the socks that no longer have mates. I’m also not sure of how that happens when I’ve got like 10 square feet of living space in the apartment I live in. Where could they all go to? I don’t selectively throw them away or anything. I think that if I was really rich I wouldn’t ever wear the same pair of socks twice. Ok, that’s really frivolous, so maybe I’d just pay someone to match them for me all the time. That way I didn’t have to do that. Maybe I should just start buying really random socks. Those are easy to match, instead of 15 different styles of white and other solid colors. Maybe I should start a sock of the month club. And I could coerce all of my friends into buying me random socks all the time. They don’t have to be nice socks. Just fun ones. I’ll have to research that idea a little further. Let me know if any of you are interested in sending me socks...

I found 4-leaf clovers 8, 9, & 10 the other day. Fun.

I’ve really wanted to go see RENT the last couple of days. We’ve been talking about the movie a lot here at work so I’m sure that’s what has prompted it, but it’s not even touring anywhere right now to make a road trip for. The movie doesn’t come out till November 11. I’m wondering how much they expound on the storyline. I did see that Alison is in it, as well as April. Now I realize that I’m talking about stuff that probably only Ems is going to understand b/c she loves it, and maybe Jenny who was forced to love it by listening to me sing it at the top of my lungs in the shower every day of my world. I used to hear her laugh when I’d knock on the shower wall that separated the bathroom from her room during Light My Candle. I met a girl a couple months ago at a church thing. She was talking about what shows she’d seen after she found out where I worked. Before I could open my mouth and tell her what I like she starts talking about this one that a couple of nuns took her and a friend too. She said she could only remember something about Light My Candle, and I said of course really loudly- “RENT!” and before I could get any of my thoughts on it out she starts talking about how it’s about a bunch of gay people and whores. And I promptly shut my mouth. I think she apparently missed the entire message, but I didn’t think that sitting at a church dinner was the best place to try to explain that to her. Then again, I don’t think the location of where we were really mattered. If she was that opposed to it without even giving it a fair chance, nothing I had to say would’ve made a difference to her. It made me sad though. For her actually, that she had so completely and utterly missed the point. I remember the first time I saw RENT. It was around February ’98 and I took my sister, Janie for her Christmas present. We were way towards the rear of Clowes Hall, but really I don’t think it would’ve mattered where we sat. From the moment the music began, I was so moved that I think I cried through the entire show. Seeing that sort of passion in such a real way changes me every single time. Whether it’s the first time or the 8th time. I wish that some of that passion would bleed over into the church. Not that it’s not there. Don’t get me wrong. I love my church. It’s been an incredible influence to me the last couple of years, and I really hope to stay there and raise my children there. I think I just hate that along with the passion and along with those people who know what it’s about, there’s just so much apathy. I think I would rather someone completely oblivious to the love of Christ, then someone who’s so apathetic about it- their idea of a relationship is to show up every Sunday and smile and pretend that life is great even though on the inside they’re dying. When did it become so scary to be real? Not that it’s always the easiest thing to do. I found myself in a situation recently that forced me to be completely open and completely honest. And it really kind of sucked. I know that I haven’t felt that sort of emotion in a long time, and I’m pretty sure that my reaction to things was something I don’t know I’ve ever even seen in me before. But even though it hurt, I’m thankful for it b/c if nothing else it showed me a side of myself I haven’t seen in a long time. And it brought me closer to Christ than I’ve been in a long time too. It reminds me of this skit we did a year or so ago at the church. It's a song and a monologue interwoven. The lines that keep going through my head are these

"Are you big enough, can I trust you?
I don’t know how to let go, to release when I’m holding so tight.
To jump when I’m scared of mid-air.
Are you gonna catch me?"

I think sometimes when I lose my focus, I forget that it's ok to question. I forget that someone so much bigger than I am is in control. And then I tend to lose myself. Where in the world would I be if He didn't show up at the very moments when I need Him to the most? I don't know. I don’t even know where I’m going with this. I guess it doesn’t matter.

This is what happens when I just follow train of thought. Maybe I should’ve just talked about my missing flip-flops and called it a day…

Monday, April 18, 2005

Top 10 for Monday

#10. I got to start the day with a 5 minute voice mail from one of our favorite subscribers, J. E. (who upon bringing her money in for renewal last year promptly peed on the floor b/c she couldn’t make it to the bathroom) She was calling to tell me 100 different times how she couldn’t get her money to us by the deadline because she doesn’t get paid till May but maybe we could extend it for her b/c she’s been with us for several years and doesn’t get paid till May, but hopefully we’ll understand that she can’t get us the money until May and she’d sure appreciate it if we’d just wait till May. Wow.

#9. I “have” to walk to the bank today which means I’m going to take my slow sweet time b/c it’s 80 degrees outside and sunny. There are definite perks to my job.

#8. As a result of our office handling the group sales for Menopause the Musical, I have to talk to more than my fair share of menopausal women on a daily basis. That means I get my head bitten off again more than my fair share on a daily basis. It also means that I have to repeat the same speech about a thousand million times a day about how we’re only handling groups of 15 or more and any less than that you’ve got to go through ticketmaster or go in person to the actual box office and yes I understand that was not conveyed very clearly in the paper but I also don’t think you read it very closely. Lay off Toni Tonerson I’m sorry you’re having a hot flash and taking it out on me. Today I was up to 4 in 2 hours. Good times.

#7. I have this terrible habit of constantly taking different writing utensils out of my drawer throughout the day. Why I can’t just start and finish with the same pen is beyond me, but here it is halfway through the day and I’ve already got 4 different ones out. It makes no sense. I have my favorite that I write with, yet still get a different pen out every time someone walks in the door. Odd. And really completely useless knowledge for you to have about me, whoever you may be.

#6. My spiritual birthday was the 14th and I’ve now been a Christian for longer than I haven’t. That’s a nice thought. I’ve also realized even within the last week, that I should do a better job listening to Him when He tries to convict me of something so He doesn’t have to resort to more drastic measures. They’re always a lot more painful, and I think if I’d just listen to begin with instead of trying to ignore Him, I wouldn’t get myself in the messes that I do. Apparently I’m a little more stubborn about some things than I’d like to admit. Some things just take time.

#5. This weekend is my first year at our Annual “Year in Review” meeting down in Louisville. So apparently I’m the Thunder Virgin. (We go down for Thunder over Louisville). Typically the offices all do skits as their review of the year, but this year we’ve got some sort of VIP’s going to be there so we’ve got to tame it down a notch. Instead we’ve written a sort of “Ode to BII” (Broadway in Indianapolis). There’s even a specific paragraph all about me that reads as follows:

We welcomed Elizabeth in May
Her initiation was Gay Pride Day
With her pride flag in hand
She marched with the band.
Her church disowned her, I’d say.

Classic. (And no dear reader, I did not march with the band in the parade. It just rhymed well.) I do have to note that my job is so completely different than my last job. Instead of typical church outings where the staff all goes out to eat together, I’m going to Thunder over Louisville that’s catered with an open bar and everyone drinks then goes out to clubs dancing. Dandy.

#4. Today is a Nickel Creek day. I’ve only listened to them since I got here this morning and I think I may listen to them all day. Unless I switch to Wicked for a while which is always a possibility. I might add that I get to see NC in 14 days. I should probably get my tickets for that. Even though it’s a crappy venue, it’s still Nickel Creek and I haven’t seen them since last fall, so I’m excited about it. It should actually only be 7 days till I go, but I got the big fat No to take off half a day next week and go on Tuesday to Portsmouth to watch it with Pretty and Michael. Even though my tickets were 5th row Center. So not dandy.

#3. In a mere 43 days I turn 27. I’m desperately trying to pretend that 27 is still mid-twenties, but I don’t know that I’m succeeding. Odd that 27 sounds so old when I feel so not old. I wonder if I’d written myself a letter at 13 what I would’ve thought my life would’ve been like. I’m pretty sure at that age I would’ve included a husband and children. For the record, I’m really glad that my life doesn’t include a husband and children at this point. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited about that at the someday point in the future, but definitely not right now. So anyway, happy birthday to me in 43 days. I’m actually considering a slumber party. Yes, I know I’m 27 and I should probably have outgrown one of those by now, but I haven’t had one in years and I think it sounds fun. And my dear Hottie M has volunteered his house since I’ll be house-sitting at the point with him in Europe. I think it’s a plan.

#2. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing cuter than talking on the phone to my niece who’s almost 3, and her saying, “Ok, see ya tomorrow.” Like we had plans or something. Apparently this is one of her newest phrases when talking on the phone. Along with Be careful. She’s great.

#1. Yesterday I found my first 4-leaf clover of the season. Then I promptly found 2,3,4,5,6, & 7 as well. Yay 4-leaf clovers. Wonder what that says about me that I can sit in the grass and look all day long in clover. Well ok, maybe not all day long. Ooh speaking of all day long, that just reminded me of an ex boyfriend, straight-tuck jon, who told me that I could be as sorry as the day is long and he still wasn't going to forgive me. Wonder how long that really is?

So there you go. I thought that after several serious posts in a row I should get back to a little lighter stuff for a while. So there's my Top 10 about absolutely nothing for Monday, April 18, 2005.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

She knew her Daddy gave her the present. she knew she had to handle it carefully. She knew she couldn't do it alone. That's why she kept giving it back to him and telling him she just didn't feel ready. Then he really gave it to her. And she had no idea the joy she would receive from such an amazing gift. She wanted to take it with her everywhere she went. She wanted to experience everything all over again because somehow it was new this time. She wanted to see how different it felt to have this gift with her when she worshipped God from the mountains, and she wanted to take it wading with her in the river. She wanted to watch shooting stars with her gift, and smile knowing that what she'd always wished on was now right there with her. She wanted to listen to the crickets on warm summer nights, and play in the sand as the sun went down. She didn't really care where she was, as long as her gift was with her and her Daddy was watching.

But she didn't realize it was broken. She didn't realize how much time it was going to take and how much patience it was going to require. She didn't know that all of that time alone with her Daddy she was being prepared for this very moment.

For such a time as this.

So she sat the broken pieces down and she stepped back. She cried and she waited. She watched and she prayed. She'd never wanted to help glue something back together so much before. And her heart hurt. But she looked a little closer and she realized all those broken pieces were just pieces of a puzzle waiting for someone to take the time to put them together. Some of them had broken and torn edges, and some hardly resembled pieces at all. But even through her tears she was struck by its picture. And humbled by its grace. She realized that those imperfections were what made it so beautiful to her. She realized that this gift was a lot like her Daddy. Hard for her mind to understand but impossible for her heart not to embrace. She took a deep breath and looked up at her Daddy. "Can we do this together?" she asked. He caught her gaze and nodded, knowing that this puzzle wasn't going to be put together overnight. "That's ok," she whispers, "As long as You're with me, I've got a million breaths left to share." She held out her hand and he lifted her up. Together they leaned down and picked up all the pieces one by one. She may not be the little girl she once was, but she still knows she didn't want to do anything without her Daddy. She knew deep deep down that this was the gift she'd prayed for and wished on, for as long as she could remember. She guessed in some strange way, she'd known all along. As she fit the first of a million pieces together she smiled. And her Daddy smiled. And with each piece she picked up, she asked her Daddy for help. And she prayed deep deep down in her heart that she'd get to see the picture all together in the end. And deep deep down in the corner of her heart she felt something she'd never really felt before. And she knew she'd never be the same again.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

“You can’t teach somebody to really dance.”
~The Catcher in the Rye

Elphaba walks into the ball and everyone turns and stares at her. She glances around at them pretending not to notice that they’ve all stopped dancing to watch what she’s going to do next. She knows she doesn’t fit in. She knows she’s alone. But she walks down the steps into the crowds of people and starts to dance. It’s a dance that’s completely different from any they’ve ever seen before. So they continue to stare. There’s something incredibly strange, and awkward, and somehow all at the same time beautiful and graceful about her. But she’s still foreign to them. With her green skin, and her odd dress, she doesn’t fit in. Slowly though, Galinda walks up to her and begins mimicking her movements. In the same awkward, graceful manner, she starts to dance with her. And one by one, all of the other people at the dance start to do the same. And suddenly you see an entire group of people modeling their steps after one they don’t understand at all who just wanted to be herself, and just wants people to love her for that.

This scene from Wicked has haunted me for days. It was the first scene in the musical that I think really touched me, yet somehow now seeing it again in my mind it feels different. God uses strange things to teach me sometimes. I guess I don’t listen well in the normal fashion. When do I ever I guess… When I was in high school and just starting to realize how much I loved to sing, I would go into our auditorium with all the lights off save one tiny spot in the center of stage, and I’d stand there for what felt like hours singing the same piece over and over until I felt like I finally had it right. And always I felt the same there. All by myself. But not at all. I think that was one of the first times I ever really felt like I wasn’t alone. Somehow I just know God was with me. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that auditorium for just one more song.

But I know He’s with me now. For a while He showed me how to dance. And it’s different from most people. And it took me a while to be ok with that. And once I learned all those steps, He moved back. Not too far away, but just watching. Lately, I think He’s been showing me some new steps again. And they’re hard to learn. Today I think I’m actually sore. My heart hurts from what He’s revealing in me, and to me. Sometimes I just think it’s easier to dance the same steps I have been. Sometimes I think it’s easier to dance alone. But when I close my eyes, I see Elphaba and I see everyone else and I realize that easier isn’t better.

So for now, I just keep dancing.

I think that makes Him smile.
You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear a sound
Lord, I'm amazed by You
Lord, I'm amazed by You
Lord, I'm amazed by You
How You love me.
How wide
How deep
How great
Is Your love for me
~jared anderson

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button boys so cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe just breathe
There's a light at the end of this tunnel you shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made
You'll just make them again if you'll only try turnin' around
~a. nalick

I had a close friend in college tell me once that getting to know someone is like a big maze. Some, it's really easy to get straight to the middle and to the other side, while others have a lot of dead-ends and twists and turns. When it's a really complicated maze, not very many people take the time to get to the other side. There are just too many walls to get around. There are just too many wrong turns. I can probably count on one hand the number of people who I actually feel like wanted to make it through my maze. Some of them found themselves in the center of it without even trying, while others probably had to try a little harder for it to make sense. Sometimes you meet people and you can see how similar their maze is to your own. You know which way to turn simply b/c it's the very way you would've turned. Others make absolutely no sense, regardless of how hard you try. Nothing you've ever learned before can help you through this maze. I think some mazes even change once you get inside. The walls shift as you start to figure out your way around. Some go up, some come down. I guess I'm realizing the only way you make it through is just to close your eyes and move. You know that you're going to bump into things. You know that you may trip and fall. But you also know that with your eyes closed you have to trust something other than your narrow perspective of straight ahead to get through. Sometimes you have to trust even when you can't see the other side. Turning around is no longer an option, because with your eyes closed if you breathe really deeply you know what's waiting. And you know that the hope alone is enough to go a little bit further. And then a little bit further.
Posted by Hello

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Once, there was a little girl whose daddy loved her more than anything in the world. She didn’t understand that very well though. She never really tried either. She just assumed that he did, and that he’d always take care of her. Then he gave her a present. He knew that she didn’t really know how much he loved her. And he knew that she wasn’t ready for this present. But maybe just maybe on a much smaller scale she’d realize how much he loved her. And she loved her present. And it was a love that she’d never really experienced before. But instead of thanking her daddy for this gift, she simply forgot he was there. Even when the present started to break, she tried with her awkward child hands to fix it and it only broke into more pieces. Then she went to her father crying, asking him to fix it. But it wasn’t meant to be fixed. And she cried. And it hurt more than she ever knew possible. And the worst part was knowing that she didn’t even know her father anymore.

So she asked him not to give her any more presents until she grew up a little bit. She just seemed to break everything she touched anyway. So he gave her presents she couldn't break if she tried. He gave her thunderstorms and he gave her green grass. He gave her a song to sing and he gave her stars to wish on. And her heart was glad again. And she learned to love her daddy by giving back all the presents that he gave her and they were happy together.

But still she wondered. And he told her it was ok to ask. So she asked. And she waited. And everyday she learned to love her daddy a little bit more. And then one day when she was least expecting it, he answered. And she was happy. And she was scared. And she was thankful. And she was apprehensive. But he just kept telling her that it was ok. That she wasn’t the little girl from so long ago. That he loved her, and that because he loved her, he wanted to give her something else to love. And so with her awkward fingers she took it from her father.

And everyday she learned more and more how to love her daddy with the amazing present he gave her. And she was glad. And he was glad. She was still a little scared. Some days more than others. And she was still thankful. She’d lie in bed at night and wonder how her daddy ever loved her so much that he gave her the thunderstorms and the green grass, and all of the songs and all of the stars. And now this. She was still apprehensive. Because she can’t see tomorrow. And she doesn’t want to break it this time. But this time it’s different. Instead of holding it in her hands and hiding it away, she gave it right back to her father. And loved him more than she ever had before. And he was happy. And she was happy. She knew that as long as she kept his strong hands wrapped around her awkward fingers holding the present, she’d never drop it. And for the first time in her life, she had peace.

Friday, April 01, 2005

But I know I’m who I am today because I knew you…

In honor of one of my very best friend’s 27th Birthday whom I can’t be with today due to that 4 hour drive between us…

27 of my Favorite Memories with my Pretty:
#27. Getting called out on our knocking skills by Brenda Lang. Apparently we’ve got some wrist twisting issues that cause issue when attempting the advanced choreography of Solid Rock ’96.
#26. Jimmy’s Girlfriend smells every bit as good as Tommy Girl or at least that’s what they tell us in Claire’s.
#25. Consumption of road salt is only ok when in the backseat of Kevin’s car which is being driven at very high speeds in the middle of winter with the windows down so that he could see the road due to the sometimes-working windshield wipers.
#24. Alter egos are always good to assume when they involve bad hat/wig hair and polyester dresses. They’re only made better when they’re witnessed by other people you love like Kevin and Menny.
#23. “He really likes you! He’s wearing his special underwear.”
#22. Starfire the screwnicorn puts to shame any and all garage sale figurines.
#21. Sleeping in the car and subsequently on the sidewalk in 30-40 degree weather is actually fun when it ends with one of the best casts of RENT ever.
#20. “Spaghetti Bettie can do it by herself. Play house with ME!!”
#19. A Sunday night spend with Touched by an Angel, Wynonna covering Avalon and plastic canvas crafts are hard to top.
#18. Cows on Parade in Chicago
#17. “Wonder how much Vitamin-C is in these things?” “GET IN THE CAR!!”
#16. I think this duet is a little short, maybe if we just improv over the entire rest of the song, they’ll realize we’re the stars anyway.
#15.”Don’t tell Kevin, but I’m making him drive in one gigantic circle.”
#14. Climbing on top of furniture at 2am sticking stars on my ceiling.
#13. Paper chain of sin. “Weren’t these more fun when we were younger?”
#12. Someday you’ll have that superhero diner you’ve always wanted.
#11. Sometimes I wonder how long it actually took someone to put away that cart full of stuff from our alphabetic scavenger hunt in Big-Lots.
#10. Performing Take Me or Leave Me for Richard down in Raleigh.
#9. I just know if we’d been alone with Dr. Speckles he would’ve talked to us. Or checked our eyesight. Maybe both.
#8. I didn’t know that Judge Judy had such amazing words of advice.
#7. Me, You, Kevin and a paddleboat is grounds for a seriously good time.
#6. Where in the world are we going to park?
#5. “Wow, I can’t believe I already ate my entire quesadilla, but you're right, this carpet underneath this booth here is great.”
#4. The Yogi’s episode where you and Kevin just kept filling my glass up when I wasn’t looking, and Jenny just kept laughing.
#3. Do you think Cha-Chi went on to bigger and better things or do you think he peeked at his “pensive” look at the Waffle House?
#2. “I want a feast!” “You ate before you came to the factory.” “I want a bean feast!!” “Oh, ONE OF THOSE.”
#1. Knowing that no matter how far we live away, or what’s going on in our lives, or how much time has passed since we’ve last seen each other we will always be the best of friends.

I love you Pretty. Happy 27th Birthday.

So much of me is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine by being my friend
~For Good