Friday, October 31, 2003

In the bitter waves of woe
Beaten and tossed about
By the sullen winds that blow
From the desolate shores of doubt,
Where the anchors that faith has cast
Are dragging in the gale,
I am quietly holding fast
To the things that cannot fail.

And fierce though the fiends may fight,
And long though the angels hide,
I know that truth and right
Have the universe on their side;
and that somewhere beyond the stars
Is a love that is better than fate.
When the night unlocks her bars
I will see Him--- and I will wait.

~Washington Gladden

Came across this poem, and I haven't read it in a really long time. And I wanted to write about what it made me feel. But now that I'm here to do that, I don't know that I can.

He is...

He is my...

I'm too busy again. Why don't I slow down and think enough? I miss my friends. I miss my friends who personify my peace and my determination and my comfort and my pain on earth.

why is everyone so busy?

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

So I’d just gotten to where I thought my “almost” sickness was maybe just allergies or something, when today- I’ve got this fantastic sore throat. What’s up with that? It’s already been several weeks since I’ve really been able to sing at all, and I thought maybe I was finally getting semi-back to normal vocally, and now this. Super, just super. Splendid in fact.

As a follow up, I wanted to mention that my jack-o-lantern somehow managed to assume the look of someone with a very severe cleft lip. Apparently I got a little crazy with my knife, and made my nose cut somehow run into my upper mouth cut, ahh well, what can you do? We all had a good time and laughed a lot. Tony had to get all fancy with his and use the drill to make these perfectly formed circles in a variety of sizes. Then he put a string of lights inside so all of the holes lit up evenly as opposed to just one candle. It actually turned out really well. And the more I think about it, the more I wish I was that pumpkin- open to being “drilled”, b/c the more of me that’s cut away, the more the Light shines through. Just a thought.

Last night I went over to Joseph’s again for dinner. He said he was making chili, I think, chili is fine, it’s a little cold (chilly if you will) outside, so it seems to be a nice fit. However Joseph is so over the top with his cooking, I don’t mean that in a bad way, I mean, after spending thousands upon thousands of dollars on a culinary school, I’d be over the top with my cooking too. So instead of just a normal “chili” like what I’d expect, instead we ended up with this GIGANTIC pot of chili who’s ingredients included a pound each of hamburger, lamb, & buffalo. It was pretty gamey. And where in the world do you even buy buffalo meat? Only joseph. We ended the evening by watching the last 30-45 minutes of Halloween 2. For the record, I don’t enjoy horror movies, and I really don’t enjoy being scared. Now maybe if I was accompanying a really fantastic date to a scary movie, it’d be a little different- but truth be told, I HATE to be scared. Even for the Ring when Pretty made me watch it, I had to talk all the way through it and continue asking every 5 minutes, is this person going to die? Is this person going to die? Course, he knows me well enough to somehow be ok with that. Don’t worry reader, I’m not always such a poor movie spectator. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy disturbing movies- Disturbing = good, Scary = bad. I probably would’ve even enjoyed American Psycho had it not been for the violent sex scenes. (Emily, how in the world did we end up seeing that movie anyway? I mean, Christian Bale has come a long way since Newsies…) Anyway, the reason I don’t like horror or scary movies for that matter- well reasons b/c really they’re twofold. #1. I have a fear of burning people. I’ve been afraid that my house would burn down since I was a small child, not having any sort of reasoning behind it. It’s an irrational fear, but I can’t handle watching burning people. I once came across in the paper a picture of a man who to protest something had lit himself on fire, Before I could tear the picture out, and finish the article I was reading, I was completely in tears and nauseous. W/o even realizing it, Anyway, there is unfortunately an awful lot of burning people in horror movies, and of course, Halloween 2 was no different. Granted Michael Myers didn’t die, I mean, he’s Michael Myers, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure he was engulfed for quite a while, ahhh. Moving on, #2. I have an incredible fear of being chased. Irrational again. I just fear that if someone was going to try to attack me, I’d never get away, so I hate chase scenes, and really what’s a horror movie w/o some elaborate chase scene, or in Michael Myers case, a slow deliberate walk towards whoever his victim is. I wonder what these fears say about me. If I have nightmares they’re either about me being chased, or me driving and I can’t stop. I can analyze the driving one and maybe figure out what it means, but the other- not sure. (If any of you brilliant psych analysts could fill me in I’d appreciate it…) I made it through that last 45 minutes though, although a good section of that was the burning scene and I definitely wasn’t watching. Scary movies, even old horror ones, are so not for me.

Tonight is FISH Group, and truth be told, I’d rather sit at home and watch “It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown”, but being the leader and all I’ll probably make it to the study. Heard we might get some snow flurries this week. Why we can’t just separate our seasons completely, I’m not sure. Snow belongs in winter, not fall. Especially not early fall. What do I know though?

Thursday, October 23, 2003

One of my shoes is much tighter than the other. I’m sure it has something to do with the fact that I maybe spent $10 on them at the Value City, and they’re somehow warped. It’s really bugging me. I should just get over it, and wear different shoes, but I really like them. This is the story of my life. I have a serious shoe problem. And I do mean SERIOUS. I can have the greatest outfit on, but if I somehow make it out with shoes on that I just don’t think fit- it kills it for me. So here I am, wearing these fantastic- and cheap mind you- black suede hush puppie loafers, that just aren’t so comfortable. I guess if the only thing I have to spend my time worrying about are my shoes, then I’m pretty blessed.

I think you can tell a lot about a person by their shoes. It’s funny, but the minute I meet a person, or watch someone walk by, I immediately scan down to the feet. I met a guy the other day, he thought I was crazy that I said you can learn a lot by someone by their shoes, then I told him what I’d gathered from the shoes he was wearing and he was actually really surprised. So while you may doubt my shoe discernment, I know the truth. I want to marry someone with great shoe taste. I try not to entertain the thoughts about what the man I marry will be like, b/c really, what good does it do me to dwell on something that obviously isn’t in God’s timing for right now. (And I obviously don’t want to pigeonhole God into what I “think” I want in a husband if it’s so different from what He thinks is best for me.) So before I derail into that train of thought- as a whole, creative minded people, and in particular, musicians have really good shoe taste. I don’t know if it’s just another way for them to express themselves or what. I think that’s what it is for me. I find it funny sometimes, the clothes I wear and the shoes I buy. B/c if you were to just meet me, and we were to have a short conversation- you’d probably walk away not having a clue of what I’m like. I know I’m not that great of wearing my personality, and I think I typically meet people in an immediate skeptical manner b/c I just take for granted they’re not going to get me. Plus I think if you keep yourself a little reserved while figuring the other person out, you know better the way to connect with them. I think 95% of the people I meet walk away thinking, well she’s nice. And that’s about all they get. It always reminds me of one of my good friends who told me that people are like mazes. Some people are incredibly easy to get to the middle of and see your way out- others are much more complicated. It’s all in whether or not they want to make the effort to get through it. I’ll be the first to admit, I sometimes make my maze unnecessarily complicated. I don’t necessarily want many people to get to the middle of it, b/c what if they get to the middle of it, to the very heart of what my maze is about, and then don’t like it. It’s rejection in the rawest, purest form possible. I have put up in the past, more than my fair share of walls, or dead ends I suppose- to prevent people from finding their way through. In the past, it was much easier to deal with. The older I get, or maybe it’s really not an age factor, but a God factor- anyway, the more time that passes, and the more I grow, the more I realize that allowing those connections, even if only temporary show me more of who I really am. The ugliest parts of myself, as well as the most beautiful and unique. And really what is the rejection I suffer compared to Christ’s rejection? Anyway, I’m way off topic from my original shoe discussion. That’s what happens when I follow train of thought.

I’m carving pumpkins tomorrow night with some friends. It’s been so long since I’ve done that. We’re actually getting together to drink beer and carve pumpkins, so depending on what the order is of the evening could definitely effect my end result. Oh who am I kidding? I’m a pumpkin carving novice anyway, the beer might actually help. Maybe I’ll write about that next week. I guess I never really filled you in on Liz’s Ultimate Weekend of Fun. Nickel Creek was amazing, Passion Tour was amazing, and RENT was pretty good. If I could recast Roger from an unattractive Brendan Frasier look-alike with bad shaggy hair, into someone who actually had some acting talent to go along with the voice, it would’ve been much better. I also wish that the rest of the cast would’ve been a little messier with their vocals. I much prefer character and personality in vocals to refinement and training. Any day. I’m still torn about getting tickets for the Nickel Creek concert in a few weeks. It’d mean skipping out on my FISH group meeting. We’re covering 40 Days of Purpose, and I’ve been leading it. So I really pushed in the beginning making sure you’re there if at all possible, and to let us know if you can’t be there… blah blah blah. I think I shot myself in the foot with that one. But I’m still considering. It’s a theatre concert, so I know it’ll be a good one, w/o a bunch of fans who just happened upon the show b/c they were at an outdoor festival like last weekend. Not that it’s not good to be introduced to new bands this way, but for my view to definitely be blocked by a bunch of randoms who could care less that Chris played the bouzouki on the Smoothie Song like he does on the album, and actually spliced in BOTH Yellow AND I Am Trying to Break Your Heart in the Lighthouse’s Tale- well it just hardly seems fair. Then again the fact that I’m only 5 ‘1 seems hardly fair as well. And I’m sure that’s partly to blame for the obstructed view. Anyway, it was a really good weekend. I’m definitely paying for the 3 ½ hours of hard singing this week from the Passion Tour, but I figured that too going into it. So I’ve now accomplished to write a really long entry about nothing. What else is new?

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

tomorrow, tomorrow -elliot smith, 1969-2003

The noise is coming out and if it's not out now
Then tomorrow, tomorrow...
They took your life apart and called you failures art
They were wrong though they won't know
Till tomorrow

I got static in my head, the reflected sound of everything,
Tried to go to where it led, but it didn't lead to anything,
The noise is coming out, and if it's not out now,
I know it's just about to drown tomorrow out

I just read a few minutes ago that Elliot Smith committed suicide yesterday. What a sad sad life he must’ve been living to have gone to the extremes of suicide. He was such an incredibly gifted musician. It’s so sad that you can live such a public life with your music, and have such a private despair with your life. How often do we just look past people who are silently asking you for help behind their busyness, and their walls that they’ve built? Why as humanity are we so often self-consumed and miss the people who need more help than we ever knew? Then again, unless I’m around someone who knows me well, how often do I admit to my brokenness? Why is it such a hard thing to own up to? We’re taught more in our brokenness than we ever are when things are going well. It’s taken me 25 years to finally be able to welcome my brokenness, and it sucks. But it’s also one of the most overwhelming things I’ve ever experienced and is daily making a difference in my walk with Christ. The transparency part of that sharing is taking me much longer, but I’m learning. I often wonder how people deal with anything without Christ in their lives. How in the world do you have any hope about anything without knowing that this world we’re living in is so minute in the span of what He’s created us for in eternity? I know I fall victim to the world’s mentality too often. I hate that it takes hearing about someone who you’ve only listened to, held a lot of respect for as a brilliant musician, to remember again, how lonely the world is without Christ, and how we hide our despair and our brokenness way way too much.

I hope I never forget how broken I am.

Friday, October 17, 2003

Why do we as humans find so much pleasure in doing things over and over again? I’m as much to blame as anyone else. This weekend is a prime example of that. Let me break it down for you.

Tonight, I see Nickel Creek for time number 8. That’s right 8. Here’s the breakdown
Birdy’s Bar- May ‘01
Buskirk Chumley Theatre, Bloomington- October ‘01
Murat Theatre, Indianapolis, IN- October ‘01
Shady bar, Cincinnati, OH- December ‘02
Mars Nightclub (can’t remember the new name), Bloomington, IN- April ‘03
City Stages, Birmingham, AL- May ‘03
Murat Theatre- June ‘03
And now Tall Stacks, Cincinnati, OH- October ‘03

Tomorrow I see the Passion Experience tour- primarily Chris Tomlin for time number 4:
WorshipTogether conference ‘00
WorshipTogether conference ‘02
Passion Experience Tour ‘02
Passion Experience Tour ‘03

And Sunday, RENT for time number 6
Clowes Hall- Fall ‘99
Bloomington x2- Fall ‘99
Ft. Wayne- Fall ‘00
Bloomington- Fall ‘01
Clowes Hall- Fall ‘01
And again, Clowes Hall- Fall ’03.
There was an attempted Ohio in ’02 but missed rush seating…

Why? Why do I get so incredibly excited about seeing all of these 3 things again and again.

One word: Passion. All 3 of these events make me incredibly passionate, and all 3 of them are through music. Themes might be completely different. (Can’t get much more polar than RENT and passion experience tour) but they all make me think, and they all make me feel, and truly they all make me seek God and His passion for my life a little more.

So I’m on my way out. The countdown to the beginning of Liz’s ultimate weekend of fun is at T-15 minutes….

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

This week’s Top 10 of good stuff, bad stuff and whatever falls between:

#10. Driving through the hills of southern Indiana now that the leaves have changed
#9. Nickel Creek’s version of Poor Places by Wilco
#8. Destroying a perfectly good tire by hitting a small wooden post after cutting a corner too close.
#7. Driving home on that flat tire while convincing yourself it’s merely the wind that’s making your car act like that. (I know this makes me sound like such a girl, so in my defense I do know how to change that flat tire…)
#6. Spending $90 to replace that otherwise good tire that now has a split down the side.
#5. Finding out you get to see your favorite band in the world for FREE in just 2 more days.
#4. Grown men on motor scooters complete with stark white helmet.
#3. Planning a “sisters” day without the non-blood relative half of the marrieds.
#2. Going to see RENT on the aforementioned day out
#1. Being told and I quote: “Whenever you sing, I start thinking how much you sound like Chad Kroger from Nickelback. You really should start thinking about a career in an angry boy band.” Ahhh Mo.

Monday, October 13, 2003

Give me Yourself

I hate it when you experience something incredibly beautiful, but you know that no matter how hard you try to describe it- unless this person was there to see it they’re not going to even begin to grasp what you’ve just beheld. I could use the most picturesque speech imaginable. I could just clip in random lyrics of songs. I could retype conversations I had. You’re still going to be left wondering why exactly I was affected the way I was. I think that’s part of the beauty of Christ. It’s such an intensely personal relationship, that the only way you can begin to understand is by sharing a relationship with Him as well.

I’m still trying to process everything that I experienced this past weekend at worship conference. One of the biggest realizations that I had was that following Jesus, the way that He really truly wants us to follow Him, is a painful journey. I think to be able to experience the intensity of His joy, you have to experience the intensity of His pain. Lately I’ve been incredibly lonely. I see the community that I’d experienced in the past, slowly dissipate or begin to make plans to leave, and I was left feeling as if I’m naked in the middle of the desert. And it really burns. But I don’t want water right now, what I want is to see Him. And if that means being in the desert for a while for me to be able to truly appreciate the water that he offers, that’s ok. He is a God of all comfort. He strips us of our distractions, and the things that we allow to get in the way and cloud our vision of Him. Regardless of what the distraction is, relational, emotional, even physical, He wants to strip those things from us and reveal Himself. So right now, I’m welcoming this desert with the searing heat. I’m welcoming the thirst that’s building, and overall, I’m welcoming His presence. Following Him entails a great deal of sacrifice, but if it means finding Him, no sacrifice is too great.

Above All Else- Vicky Beeching

Jesus, my passion in life is to know You.
May all other goals bow down to
This journey of loving you more

Jesus, you’ve showered your goodness on me
Given your gifts so freely
But there’s one thing I’m longing for

Hear my hearts cry
And my prayer for this life
Above all else
Above all else
Above all else
Give me Yourself

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Ordinary people are like the leaves of a tree, and live and die unnoticed. ~Scarecrow "The Land of Oz"

It's officially Indian Summer here in Indiana and probably going to up in the mid 70's by the end of the week. The trees are really changing, and it makes me breathe deeper when I walk outside. It also makes me want to walk through the woods or play in the leaves or have a bonfire or just sit outside and watch the stars with someone you don't have to explain yourself to. i love the fall. more and more every year. i think this year everything is especially poignant. I think i've gone through a lot of change, and a lot of self-discovery in the last 12 months, and i think to those that know me best, that's evident and i hope i'm actually showing those changes on the outside the way the trees are beginning to. The leaves come and go, but year after year- the trees go through this change. i think fall is a really great analogy for learning to be vulnerable. the more you reveal, the more beauty- true beauty that you can't just create somehow- the more it shows, and slowly you shed that outer exterior and allow yourself to be bare. And then winter comes and it's cold, and it's bitter cold sometimes, but you know that come spring, there's all this new growth- growth that wasn't there the spring before and you realize that all of this shedding of ourselves is ok, and that's what God wants even, it's all in allowing ourselves to become more like Him. I don't think we really look around enough to the things that we can learn from His creation.

I leave today for worship conference, so i'll be gone the rest of the week. for once i dont have any expectations. i just want to go and be for a few days. there's nothing better than leaving every distraction behind and just being in God's presence and actually focusing on that- for a while. Plus, it's fall and fall in Tennessee is beautiful.

Thursday, October 02, 2003

“Other’s have excuses… I have my reasons why.”

So I already wrote one entry this morning, and somewhere between typing it up, put it on my blog site, and trying to publish it- the internet went down. So I lost it. I was actually just complaining about my bad day yesterday. Maybe it’s a sign I shouldn’t complain. Yesterday was one of those lay on my back in the middle of the floor, play with my bucket of sprinkles, blow bubbles sorts of days. If you know me, you know that means BAD DAY. I’ll spare you the details this time around. It was just a bad day.

We had a concert here last night, some Gaither sounding chic that I wasn’t about to stick around for. I had to cover the merch table till the workers showed up and I kept having people ask me which CD was the best, RIGHT, like I know… anyway, as I was finally leaving at 7, I was on my way out the office entrance only to see that there was a big vase of flowers on the counter. I of course thought, oh how nice, someone has flowers, then realized the card was to me and they were my flowers. Nothing can make a bad day a million times better than fresh flowers and a handwritten note in a card. So thank you Angie, for knowing just the encouragement I needed. I love fresh flowers.

Something else that made me smile yesterday was when my dearest Jennifer decided to post an old email I’d sent her as her “blog of the day”. If it’s not funny to you, well you suck, and what DO you think is funny? :) Anyway, I just thought I’d include a link so you can take a little peak into the mind of what I find incredibly entertaining. You’ll probably find me stranger after reading it, then again, maybe not…