Wednesday, January 28, 2004

A blog about nothings.

B/c I don’t want to be working on what I need to work on, I’ll share a little of what’s in my head this week. Don’t expect profundity b/c you’re not going to find it.

Useless thought #1.
What IS it about grocery carts? Do they come already with the one wheel that’s been tangled up in large amounts of something, leaving it with that terrible tight hard to push thing? Or how about the squeak. Everything looks fine, but you’ve got that squeak. Sometimes you’ll get an aisle or so before you discover it b/c alas it’s only on right hand turns… love it. Or my personal favorite, the wobble wheel. Those ones that make you cut your list short out of sheer fear that it’s going to just break down. You think that doesn’t happen, it’s happened. My sister and I used to go get our mom’s groceries for her when we were in high school. Why this was fun for us, I’m not quite sure but since mom hated it, we’d do it for her. It’s not just a few groceries, no we’re talking 5 teenagers, 2 adults and a child shopping that we did. Once we had one of those wobblers, and it was really bad but they never break so we just went on loading it up. It’s almost as if it had a mind of it’s own. The cart waited till we were in the parking lot, getting ready to cross in front of the cars at the crosswalk before we hit a small bump followed by a little hole. Just enough for that poor wheel to snap… as if that wasn’t enough, our 10lb bag of potatoes, located on the bottom of the cart, chose that very moment to hop out and open itself up for all of the potatoes to go rolling their own way. So while abby is directing traffic, I’m furiously scooping up potatoes and desperately trying to catch my breath because of how hard I was laughing. So last night, I couldn’t seem to get a good cart. And they won’t let you out the in anymore, so I had to go all the way around just to get another…. Maybe I could buy my own collapsible grocery cart. I fix it if it’s broken, and the rest of the time I’ll just leave it folded up in my trunk. What are the chances of that happening really?

Useless thought #2.
I need a lunchbox. A real lunchbox. Not one of those vinyl covered, padded things. No, I want the plastic box. Or better yet tin box that they used to have. My lunch is not nearly exciting enough when I’m pulling it out of a plastic grocery bag. But I won’t settle for whatever some stupid Wal-Mart has to offer. I will search, and I will find the perfect lunch box complete with characters. Sidebar: I once had a Menudo lunch box. I think we got it at Big Lots. I don’t know why I had it, b/c I wasn’t even a Menudo fan. Maybe I’ll go to some antique stores… I was planning a visit to see Pretty in a few weeks, and we always fit some antique stores into the schedule. So the search has begun. I will accept any suggestions on type of character lunch pail I should get.

Useless thought #3.
Take this job and …..
No not my job. This one is just useless for the reader who doesn’t know my mom. She called me this morning and told me she accepted another job. WOOOOOOO HOOOOOO MOM!!! She’s been needing to get out of the hellacious place she’s been working for a while now. So she’s actually going to get back to actual nursing as opposed to listening to the higher ups make orders that not even Superman could see to fruition. It’s so unfortunate our health care system is as dysfunctional as it is right now. Some places spend so much time in their ridiculous politics, that very little time is left for the patient or resident. I won’t digress into some bitter diatribe about the place she has been working. I’ll just say thank you God for making her completely confident that the decision to leave was one prompted by you. ‘

Useless thoughts #4, 5, 6 & 7 in rapid succession.
I need a haircut.
I bought some new shoes last weekend and I love them.
I’m ready for another nickel creek concert.
I have a sudden urge to reread The Catcher in the Rye

Now that I’ve bored you all, I’ll wrap it up. Heading out to Carmel this evening to perhaps watch a little Twin Peaks. Got to keep up to date on what’s new with Cooper.

I’ll try to be a little less boring on my next blog.
But I'm not promising anything.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

“Let a smile be your umbrella.” ~Twin Peaks

I had a dream last night about someone. I don’t know who he is, but I just remember laughing with him and knowing that there was something different there. I woke up with this terrible sense of longing. It’s lingered a bit throughout the day. I just can’t seem to shake it. It’s amazing how vivid dreams can be, and the emotions they invoke even when they’re based on a wish, or a passing thought, or even something subconscious that you haven’t yet even accepted yourself. Then again, there are moments in life- when even though I know they are completely and totally real, you feel as if it was a dream.

I remember watching the sky with him and talking till dawn behind the old torn up shed. Praying aloud that the clouds would clear just for us. And feeling great peace, and a smile wash over my face as the clouds parted above our heads at that very moment. I remember loving him. I think sometimes I’ve forgotten what that feels like. Then I have a dream, or I see something and for a moment, even a brief one, the feeling is there again. I think the best parts of love are like those dreams that constantly leave you longing for more of this person, more of their voice, more of their laugh, more of their touch, more of their silence. I pray for that. Not for the him that I’m reminded of, but for the him I don’t yet know. I pray I will though. And some days, along with a lingering longing, that’s enough.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Some days it’s just easier to use someone else’s words.

Were it up to me,
I’m sure that I would fall
I’m sure that we would be
No better off at all

I’m leery of my ways
Eluding holiness
Can’t seem to trust my crazed
Selective righteousness

But I’ll be satisfied with You
Carry me, carry me
But I’ll be satisfied with You
Carry me, carry me

I long to shout the cure
From the mountain’s peak
Instead my whispered words
Are all that I can speak
The shutter closed too late
Exposing all my fears
In this awkward state
You lift my chin to catch Your stare

I’ll be satisfied with you
Carry me, carry me
I’ll be satisfied with You
Carry me, carry me

Satisfied- PCHW

Thursday, January 08, 2004

While checking out a new bluegrass band today (the mammals) I came across a song they had written music for and then pulled a couple of different excerpts from essays to be read over the music by several different speakers. This one really struck a chord with me. I think I've read things similar to it before- or maybe I've read this one in particular before- either way today it resonated so I'm putting it here.

The paradox of our time in history
Is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers
We have wider freeways but narrower viewpoints
We spend more but we have less
We buy more but we enjoy it less

We have bigger houses and smaller families
More conveniences and less time
We have more degrees but less depth
More knowledge but less judgment
More experts but more problems
More medicine but less wellness

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly,
Laugh too little, drive too fast, get angry too quickly,
Stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom,
Watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life;
We've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back,
But have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
We've conquered outer space, but not inner space;
We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul;
We've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less;
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait;
We have higher incomes, but lower morals;
We have more food, but less appeasement;
We build more computers to hold more information
to produce more copies than ever,
But have less communication;
We've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion;
Tall men, and short character;
Steep profits, and shallow relationships.
These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare;
More leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce;
Of fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers,
Throw away morality, one-night stands,
Overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology has brought this letter to you,
And a time when you can choose either to make a difference,
Or to just hit "Skip Ahead"...

~B. Mooreland

How sad that for a great deal of the population, this could be their personal theme song. I hope I never get to that point. The point where what I own is more important that what I've seen, that how much I make at work is more important than how much I love what I do, that my relationships are overshadowed by always wanting more, needing more, than the simple fact that I'm loved by Him and I can experience that more every day by looking for Him. He's poured himself into me, and every day I'm blessed by the friendships that reveal Him to me that much like His love, I can never fully understand or deserve.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

I heard this really amazing metaphor recently about Christ and his love for us. Our high school group’s theme right now is Illuminate and this week is all about faith. They put together a video that they shot in the snow the other night way past dark. A great deal of it was just 3 people walking through wooded areas and over uneven terrain with one person carrying a lantern. It showed them walking together, somber and quiet and obviously cold. It clips to just one of them sitting talking, and it’s what he said that really hit me. He talked of how he was always told when he was younger that life is great with Christ, that it’s happy and that things are always good. And he didn’t understand why he was feeling and experiencing the pain that he was experiencing. Then he equated it with this metaphor: It’s like parents teaching a child how to ride a bike. For a while, they’re holding on and holding you up, and helping you steer. Eventually, they’ll let go, and you’ll be fine for a while, but eventually you will fall, and it will hurt. Does that mean that they love you any less? No it just means that you have to experience some pain on your own. I wonder sometimes why I have to experience or think and feel the way that I do. I wonder where He is, and why He doesn’t seem to be answering me as soon as I call. But He does, He does answer. With His silence, with His eye constantly on me, and the pain I’m experiencing as evident on His face as it is hidden in my heart. And I realize, He understands. He always has. He always will. Long after my heart heals. Long after this void is filled. He still understands, b/c He felt that pain first and for me to a degree that I will never know.

Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all of the madness
Deliver me, courage to guide me
Deliver me, your strength inside me

All of my life
I’ve been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like you
Now that you’re here
Now that I’ve found you
I know that you’re the one to pull me through

Deliver me…
Deliver me

~David Crowder

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

I sure haven’t done this in a while. I guess I haven’t felt much like writing. Or really spending time thinking enough to want to write. If that makes any sense. It’s funny how we avoid what we probably really need to be thinking about. Or maybe I should say it’s funny how “I”. I try and make it not just my problem, when the truth is- it is my problem. I’ve found myself rather busy lately, and spending next to no time by myself. I do that when I’m avoiding something. Since I’m not quite sure what it is I’m avoiding, I won’t even try to explain it here.

Everything has just been “fine” lately. Nothing out of the ordinary really. Just fine I suppose. A lot of my family has been sick and somehow I’ve avoided it. I’m hoping to avoid it for at least a week longer so I’ll be able to sing in our all praise and worship service next week. I guess I haven’t gotten enough sleep lately to avoid getting sick though, so if I do it’s my own fault.

Been thinking a lot about grad school lately. I’m becoming more restless. I feel something coming, a change somewhere that makes me breathe a little quicker and look around a little more. The weather has been strange as Indiana usually is. I found myself on a walk with a friend at 3:30 in the morning last Friday in 60 degree weather and today the windchill is well past 20 below. I’ve been devouring new music. I’ve got more than I have time to listen to actually which is hard since I’m still stuck on some CD’s that have had more than the average amount of play- Damien Rice is one of those. I’m planning to see him in concert in the next couple of months when he’s in town. I’ve listened to some really good live Jason Mraz as well as gotten hooked on The Lighthouse’s Tale pt. 2. I’m a little more than my usual lonely at this time of year which I think causes the restlessness to grow. I guess I should welcome the loneliness b/c at least it’s not apathy. I’ve had a lot of strange dreams, of friends leaving me behind and I think it’s maybe b/c I sense the same change in them. I went to a bridal show the other day and realized that this upcoming wedding is the first of the last 3 of my really close girlfriends which will all follow in the next 2 or 3 years. I find myself searching for my place and I’m not sure where it is. I know it’s not here, but I’m almost afraid to look to where it might be. I guess I’m just longing for community. I’m blessed with several really amazing relationships, and an amazing family, but they’re quite disjointed in reference to each other. I guess in some ways it was like that at college too. Several different groups that I was close to, but still felt like I had a community to come home to. I guess I feel a bit like a lost puzzle piece right now. I find a place that I fit, on one side, or sometimes even on two, but it’s never a complete fit, something always feels a bit off. Maybe that’s just life. Or maybe that’s just my life.

Home is behind the world ahead
And there are many paths to tread
Through shadow
To the edge of night
Until the stars are all alight

Mist and shadow
Cloud and shade
Hope shall fail
All shall fade.

Steward of Gondor- Return of the King