Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Why am I the witness?
And when I capture it on film will it mean
that it's the end and I'm alone?

So I was sick last week.
All week.
It was like the neverending sickness. I worked a grand total of 15 hours. And it took till Thursday night for me to realize I even had a fever of over 102. Obviously it’s been a while since I was sick. I realized a couple of important things about myself in a sick state.

A. I’m mean when I’m sick.
B. I don’t like to be alone when I’m sick.

You’d think that because of A. being alone would be the best bet for me yet there’s B. just to screw things up. Maybe it’s because I so rarely am sick. Maybe it’s because we all have this innate desire to be taken care of even if we spend most of our time denying it. Or maybe that’s just me. Whatever it is, I spent a lot of time around people, and feeling like complete and total crap. Yet, I would proceed to sit there and not go home b/c feeling bad all by myself in my apartment was a worse thought. Wonder why that is. I guess I just didn’t want to admit that I was that sick. Or maybe I just didn’t want to face that I was alone. Not sure what that says about me exactly, or I at least don’t want to know.

The highlight of last week came (as isn’t uncommon) in the form of some new music. Or in this case, new old music. Tuesday the RENT movie soundtrack was released. I have to say that what little bit of doubt I had about the movie was completely erased after listening to this album. Over-produced or not, this album picks up on nuances that the original somehow skipped over. I’m not sure how that’s possible, but I can’t help but think that it’s because almost 10 years later, these people have experienced on an even deeper level, all the things they were singing about before. Or maybe it’s because I’ve experienced on a deeper level the things that they’re singing about as compared to when I first saw RENT 8 years ago. I haven’t really talked about it much here on my blog b/c in a crazy way, it’s so personal to me, I don’t want to share it with you. This show changed the way I love, and there’s nothing worse to me than sharing that with someone and not having them understand. The problem with that is that I use that philosophy too often in my life. I assume that people won’t understand me, so I only share with them the parts of me that I feel I can trust them with. I’m afraid then they walk away with a horribly disjointed perception of who I am. When did it become ok for me puzzle piece myself out to people only if I think they can put it together? Is the disappointment of realizing that they can’t or don’t want to put it together that much worse than hoarding the pieces away like a miser? I don’t know. I don’t think I can answer that.

Lately I’ve been feeling like I should at least start trying though.