Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Not how either of us wanted it to be...

Most of you that read this, or probably all of you that read this know me. So for the most part most of you know about my life outside of the randomness that I decide to share here. But I haven’t done a very good job of sharing on here lately. I’m not sure what happened, or what changed but suddenly I felt like I was sharing too much or I didn’t know how people would react if they read something that until revealing it here, was a thought that I’d kept in my head. I’m feeling convicted however that I’ve stopped sharing the real stuff going on in my life and started sharing the tiny bits of stuff that seem to fill my time. It’s like one of those mosaic puzzles, where all the pictures make one giant picture. And lately I’ve just given you the occasional picture and not been honest about the whole puzzle. I want to be honest though. I want to be able to share whatever it is I’m feeling and I’m thinking. So I’m going to work on that. Starting today.

I just got out of a relationship last week. It was a relationship that I’ve been in for over a year now. Maybe some of you didn’t even know that I was involved with someone. I didn’t do a very good job communicating about it, b/c truthfully for a good part of that relationship I just didn’t know if it was going to work out. I wanted it to. So badly. Because he was great and because he loved me more than I think I’ve ever been loved and because I’m almost 30 and because I wanted to love someone back. Do you ever feel like there’s this part of you that’s just sitting there waiting for someone to share it with? I had that with him. I wanted to share me with him. And don’t get me wrong, I did. But there was something missing. Maybe it’s just where we are in life, maybe it’s just us but regardless there was something missing. Not all the time. I went through periods of time that I thought, this is what loving feels like. This is what it looks like. And this is what I want. But then other times, other times it was hard. And it taught me in those times too that this is what loving feels like and this is what it looks like. And that to stay in love, you have to want it. But in the end, it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. He wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough. And there were parts of myself I lost somewhere in there too. I don’t regret a moment of it. I don’t regret what I learned from it and most of all I don’t regret loving him. But right now, I feel a bit like I just came into the bright sunshine after being in the dark for a long time, and it’s so bright it hurts. I guess it’s supposed to.

So, it’s a new day. I miss him more today than I did yesterday. And tomorrow will probably be worse. Hopefully one of these mornings though, I’ll wake up and it’ll feel a little bit better. Until then, I’ll just try to keep my eyes open, and experience all over again just how warm the sun feels on my face.

Wake Up, Dear
-T. Golden

I woke to what was safer late at night
with the lights dim
Illuminated, it’s staring me down
Now I’m not any braver than I’ve ever been,
and you’ve never been
One to let me feel like I could never let you down
Was I just too quiet all those moments I could feel it

Weighing on our frail and aging dreams?
Thought I was supposed to fight it, maybe wait it out, shake my doubts
But that’s not how either of us wanted it to be

Wake up, Dear
It’s colder inside than
Your faith or my fear
can shoulder this time

It got cast aside like all the letters
I keep telling you I’ll write
when things slow down, but what does that mean
That I’ll start living life when I can make it fit,
maybe I'll start caring for you sometime in between?

Wake up, Dear
It’s colder inside than
Your faith or my fear
can shoulder this time

Go ahead, I’m listening
Got an ear for disappointment
I can hear it on my breath
it’s the same, same story
I can hear it in your sweet sigh

Wake up, Dear
It’s colder inside than
Your faith or my fear
can shoulder this time

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

I really don’t do a very good job of keeping this up to date. I need to make a more concerted effort. So, I made the aforementioned NYC trip. It was so much fun. Tiring and quick but a really great trip. The show was great. It’s hard to put Patty Griffin’s songs in musical form and it not be incredible. When we left Jamie just kept saying, ‘my heart is so full.’ That’s the best way to put it. Patty’s music tells stories better than almost any other lyricist. To see that performed live, on stage, was incredible to me. It was so definitely worth the trip. Other than that, we went to our favorite restaurant in Times Square and had sushi, took the subway out to Battery Park to see the Statue of Liberty (and buy a purse- it’s all about the priorities), spent a lot of time on the Subway, talked too much and missed our stop a couple times (not that I didn’t want to see Queens really), had dinner at the Trailer Park lounge. (Yes it even had a real trailer inside and served tator tots), got rained on, cried a little, laughed a lot more and slept in bunk beds. It was a really really great trip. I had so much fun and hated that it had to end so quickly.

I spent the end of last week and the weekend in Atlanta for my birthday. 29 if you’re wondering. It was a really really great time. I laughed a lot and was able to spend some time lying by the pool not thinking about anything at all. However the disadvantage of taking a couple days of work like that, only makes me want to take a real full vacation. I’m working on a couple coming up though, so I’ll just have to hold out till July.

Otherwise, I haven’t had a lot going on. We just finished season renewal fun at work. Which isn’t really my job anymore since I’m in group sales, but I guess someone forgot to mention that to my co-workers so I’ve gotten to participate in that part a LOT.

Since my blog has been so deserted lately, I thought I’d give you some recent random notes about me. So here are 29 things that you may or may not know in honor of my 29th birthday.

1. The best book I’ve read recently is The Memory Keeper’s Daughter. It’s really good. You should read it too.
2. My favorite drink as of lately is vanilla Dr. Pepper.
3. I made my first pot roast last week. It made me feel domestic.
4. I drink too much wine when I’m cooking.
5. The pot roast was still good even after all the wine. :)
6. I make really good mixed CD’s. Just a fact you all should know. The recent collection is entitled FabFriday and if I could market it, I’d make a lot of money. I’m just saying.
7. I’m glad it’s summer and houseboat season again with Sarah. There are very few things more relaxing than lying on a raft on a huge lake where you’re away from any distraction.
8. Lately I've been terribly convicted by the number of plastic bags I use. It's ridiculous and I think I need to start carrying canvas bags everywhere I go.
9. It’s unfortunate that you can’t always live in the same town as your best friends. I would up for just buying a block and having everyone I love live in those houses around the block. It would make leaving a little bit easier.
10. I think I’m going on family vacation again this year. Panama City this time. Which promises to be a great time. I know I’m almost 30 and still love family vacations. What can I say?
11. I’ve decided my summer project, well one of them, will be learning to knit well. I’ve tried it, and learned before, but never mastered it. (can you master something like knitting?!) So, I’m going to attempt it again. Because really, the best time to drape yourself in wool that you’ve knitted is the summer. :)
12. The lighting in my office is so bad on it’s own that I have 6 lamps in addition to the overhead lighting. One of them is in the shape of a purse and my sister got it b/c it was one of the tackiest things she’d ever seen. I get more compliments on that purse than anything else in the office.
13. I’m going to work out of the Cincy office for about 3 days coming up soon. I like that b/c it’s an excuse to hang out with my friends I don’t get to see often and expense everything at the same time. :)
14. In the past several weeks at work, bc it’s so slow I’ve watched the entire first season of Brothers and Sisters on abc.com. I loved it.
15. My car is within 2 months of being paid off, so I think with the extra money there I’m going to buy a macbook and maybe just maybe upgrade my ipod.
16. This year was the first year I’ve had a birthday cake with my name on it in years.
17. I love IKEA but they make finding the right light bulb to be the most tedious project imaginable.
18. I need some new music. I haven’t fallen in love with an album since Ellery’s live release a couple of months back.
19. I have to miss the Chris Thile concert I wanted to see in Newport on Sunday due to a VBS Tech Rehearsal…How is that fair?
20. I’ve decided that I’m going to fly to wherever Nickel Creek’s final concert is. I mean, really do I have a choice?
21. I love Sufjan Stevens. If you’ve never heard him live, you’re missing out on one of the best concerts I’ve ever heard.
22. I miss Heroes. Why must shows end over the summer?
23. I can’t wait till the Harry Potter release. I need to start rereading 1-6 so I’m ready for it to come out.
24. Watermelon is the most perfect summer food.
25. I want someone to teach me how to play the guitar. Cheap. Like as in, I’ll cook dinner for you, teach me to play the guitar.
26. I think I need to audition for a couple community theatre productions in the fall. I’m feeling like something is missing from my life right now. Maybe I’m just not stretching myself enough.
27. I think the older I get, the more I overthink things.
28. I’m hoping to get my 2nd tattoo in July.
29. I don’t like that 29 is so much closer to 30 than 28. At least then I could still pretend to myself I was in the mid-twenties. :)