Thursday, March 31, 2005

Holding my heart out and clutching it too…

"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to where ever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you make Revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried when you were saying it. That's the worst I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear."

I’m not someone who’s really that great at sharing my deepest thoughts. I tend to keep them tucked away hidden, or I just hope they become apparent to the people who know me the best. Whether that’s in the calm of a thunderstorm, or listening to the ocean, or in the crowds of a concert most of my revealing happens when I don’t say a word. Maybe that’s crazy. I wonder how many people the average person meets in their lifetime who really truly desires to know you. The few that I’ve found have surprised me. They’ve been when I least expected it, but when I most needed it. And in these friendships, I’ve found myself wanting to know their faults as much as their strengths. I think our weaknesses tell so much more of who we actually are, than our successes do. So then why, when I’m faced with someone who wants to know what makes me cry as much as what makes me laugh is it so hard for me to understand? It’s rare for me to say the words out loud “I need you.” I think even when that’s what I mean, those aren’t the words I use. Not that it’s not apparent when I’m stockpiling quarters for use in the Pizza King or suddenly color sorting my M&M’s or any of the other things I do rather than just using the words I need you. For the first time in my life I’m actually aware of it though. It’s something that I’ve been praying about a lot. If it’s not only ok, but it’s what we’re supposed to do when it comes to our walk with Christ- what is it with humanity that makes it so difficult? I’m not a needy person, if anything I need things by not needing them. (Which probably makes no sense.) But I’m realizing on those rare occasions when I do need something I'm supposed to actually ask for it. How can I expect other people to read my mind when it’s all I can do to understand half of what I’m thinking, half of the time myself? Since our walk with Christ is dependent upon complete dependence, why do I still struggle every day with guilt over need? I know that some people have been placed in my life to embody Christ in the flesh. Whether that’s to convey something I’m not hearing well enough from Him, as was often the case with Paul in college, or whether it’s simply to be someone who knows me better than I know myself at times being there to simply say you’re fine and don’t give up yet. I guess it’s just compounded a million times and I feel like I’m learning it all over again now that I’m in a relationship. I guess there’s no easy solution. Maybe this will be one of those things that I never quite let go of. Or maybe just maybe actually admitting it is half the battle.

Reasons Why

Where am I today? I wish that I knew
'Cause looking around there's no sign of you
I don't remember one jump or one leap
Just quiet steps away from your lead

I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too
Feeling this short of a love that we once knew
I'm calling this home when it's not even close
Playing the role with nerves left exposed

Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines
Others have excuses, but I have my reasons why

We get distracted by dreams of our own
But nobody's happy while feeling alone
And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall
We lean another ladder against the wrong wall
And climb high to the highest rung, to shake fists at the sky
While others have excuses, I have my reasons why

With so much deception it's hard not to wander away

Sunday, March 27, 2005

So i've discovered something about myself. When I'm very tired, I get a little bit needy and a little more insecure than normal. I'm not so much a needy person, so I guess it shouldn't bother me as much as I let it. You'd think that when I'm super tired the best thing for me to do would be to be by myself and that after almost 27 years of being alive I'd recognize this and just go to bed. But instead, I become the opposite. When I'm most tired I end up driving to my mom's house or trying to make plans thinking it'll make me feel better. And how good is that idea really? B/c really my mood isn't great, so if I'm around anyone I just end up making them unhappy or worried that something is really actually wrong with me. This fact has become painfully obvious to me now that I'm in a relationship. It never fails. I get a little bit tired, and somehow there's no way he likes me as much as I like him. Or suddenly he's going to find me boring, and there's no way I'll be what he wants. How in the world have I never noticed this fact about myself before? It's not like I'm new to reacting strange to things. It's not like I don't know myself pretty well. I hate that now that I'm in a relationship, I think he tends to get the brunt of it. He hasn't known me long enough to know that sometimes the way I react to things has nothing to do with how I'm actually feeling. Then again, he tends to surprise me just about every day with the things that he's picked up about me, that I don't think are all that transparent. I wonder how you go about changing something like this about yourself. I wonder why it took a new relationship for me to realize it. I wonder how long it takes for those feelings of insecurity to go away. It's not that I doubt our relationship. B/c everything in me knows this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. And deep down, I know he's feeling what I'm feeling.

Maybe I should just get more sleep.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

still Holy

I remember when I was a kid and we took a family vacation down to Mammoth Cave. I think caves are neat, and always wanted to go spelunking. Probably b/c of all those Trixie Belden books I read, but I digress… The first thing you notice is the way your skin feels. The temperature drops the further down you go, and somehow even in the driest of caves it feels like everything is just almost wet. I remember how it attacks all of your senses all at once. Everything just feels, looks, and sounds different. What I remember more than anything else though is the way it felt when they shut out the light the guide was carrying. I don’t think I’ve ever been anywhere that it could possibly be as dark as it was in that cave. What’s even more surprising than that though, is the way you feel when you walk back outside into the bright sunlight. Suddenly you appreciate that sun for what it is so much more than you ever would’ve before. And you realize that even those other times when you thought you were in the dark and found a little light, can’t even compare to the light you’re in right now. If I close my eyes really tight, I can still remember what that darkness feels like and it's just as much a part of me as the sun. Maybe that's b/c even in the darkest of dark, I wasn't ever alone. It's funny, I don't think I really understood that then.

Holy, You are still holy
Even when the darkness surrounds my life
Sovereign, You are still sovereign
Even when confusion has blinded my eyes
Lord I don’t deserve Your kind affection
When my unbelief has kept me from Your touch
I want my life to be a pure reflection Of Your love ...

So I come into Your chambers
And I dance at Your feet,
Lord You are my Saviour
And I’m at Your mercy
All that has been in my life up to now
Belongs to You
You are still holy
~R. Springer

Monday, March 07, 2005

Sod fields, salt mines, what's the difference?

Today I’m not so much a fan of people. Maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I tried to better my mood with a nice shower that I might add was the first shower in months and months that didn’t involve me trying to dodge the needle like water pellets, or get out with my floor all soaked. That is b/c my dear Matthew heard me complain about my shower head and went, bought me a new one, brought it over and installed it. He’s great I might add. But that’s not really necessary. I think anyone who knows me knows just how I feel about it. :)

But back to my bad day… I woke up early with my heart all heavy. I prayed till I fell back asleep, but felt all out of sorts when I finally climbed into the shower about 8. On my way out my neighbor in apartment 3 was out on his very small porch exercising on some sort of equipment. He said to me, off to the sod fields? And I mumbled a yeah it’s Monday right back at him. I might add that he is easily 75 and wears a Russian Stoll everywhere in the winter. He’s also the same man that let me borrow his shovel but just for a few minutes while I desperately tried to dig myself out of being plowed in back around Christmas. I borrowed it long enough to start to dig out, when he decides it’s time for him to go driving around, and leaves me stuck in the snow with no shovel. I might add that my nice elderly neighbor across the street loaned me hers and as she helped me dig out I thought for sure she was a goner and it was going to be all my fault. Alas, I digress. And now that I think about it, maybe he said back to the salt mines instead of sod fields. That at least makes a little sense. Anyway, I made it to work 2 minutes late. Blast, then I’ve had to deal with one stupid person after another today. I’m not sure which was my favorite whether it was the one yelling at my counter about bad customer service who asked my boss to please just go away and let her deal with me instead of her who’s rude and mean. Or maybe it was the foreign chic who has now exchanged her tickets for Hairspray 3 times, and doesn’t understand the rows or seating enough for it to be any less than a 10 minute conversation each time. This time she was fighting with me about cost, and the fees associated with purchasing over the phone. Or maybe it was this other guy who was in the hospital on his normal night of hairspray who needed to exchange into this week and I told him he’d have to do it at the box office tomorrow night and ask for angie, who said then, ok, I’ll send someone over later today to get the tickets. At which point I said, no. I can’t give you tickets today, we’ll just give you best available tomorrow when you show up at the box office, who then still sent his friend over asking for ang to get their tickets today. What in the world is wrong with people?! I might add that it’s 4:30 and I haven’t eaten today. I had some coffee and half a banana for breakfast, and 4 peeps. Which were my first peeps of the season I might add. Yellow of course. Anyway, I’m just ready for 5pm to be here so I can goooooo home. Not that I’m home for long. I’ve got a meeting to help plan the easter services and the all music night right before easter. I’m hoping that maybe I’ll suddenly start to like people between now and then b/c as it is, not looking really good.

Unless their name is Matt and they’re 6’1 with blonde hair and blue eyes. In which case, they’re exempt from my dislike of people today. For the record, I think I’ve found a keeper here. Just in case you were wondering. I just thought one sappy entry on my blog is enough for a while so i'm keeping it a little brief. At least today...