Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Seems to me
I'm exactly where I dreamt
I would be
And the view from here is
Something to see
But I need a hand to hold on to
If I fall
Will you catch me?

You know that feeling when something is wrong, or something is missing, or maybe you’re what’s wrong, or maybe you’re what’s missing. So you lie in bed at night and wonder at what it could be and you wander in your mind to all the places you’ve been. And all the places you want to be, and where you actually are. And you close your eyes and pray that it’ll just make a little more sense than it does right now. Disconnected, disenchanted, discouraged, just dissed. Is this what He had planned for me? Did I miss my turn? Did you see me turn around? I stumble around dizzy, too tired to figure it out, too tired to try any harder, too tired to care any more. I believe our capacity to love is intrinsically connected to our capacity to hurt. So am I learning to love better, or learning to hurt deeper? If I’m lost will you find me? Or am I supposed to search for you? Sometimes I don’t care. Most times I just don’t know. If I just turn the music up and close my eyes tighter, I think I can pretend it’s not this way. It’s easier than thinking. At least till morning.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Last week was our annual work retreat. This year we took a day trip to Maine. I’ve never been anywhere in the New England area, but I have to say there’s something so serene about it I think I could easily live there. The day was a lot of fun. We did a little shopping, ate lobster as you can see, went on a ferry ride, and checked out an amazing lighthouse. I have to say though I could’ve just spent all day in Portland where we stopped first thing in the morning. It was one of those towns that just made me want to find a good book and a quaint coffee house, where I’d curl up on one of their oversized chairs and read. The weather couldn’t have been nicer, and we had a great time.

Sometimes I wonder what keeps me from just moving away. When I go someplace like Maine, and I see how beautiful the rest of the country is- I wonder what’s keeping me here. I don’t really have an answer. Family I suppose, my friends, the comfort of knowing what my life is like from day to day. A close friend of mine just moved to New York City. Had no job upon getting there, and an apartment for all of a month, but he wasn’t too worried. He knew he’d find something. There’s something incredibly appealing to me with that. I just feel like I’m missing something here. Or maybe it’s just one of those weeks…

Friday, September 02, 2005

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18 NLT

Today is one of those days when I’m so overwhelmed by the hurt I see around me, I don’t even have words to say. But if I could just open my heart, you’d see my prayers. My prayer that your broken heart will heal, my prayer your hurt will go away, my prayer your kids will be ok, my prayer your baby will heal, my prayer she’ll realize how far she is from God, my prayer that she’ll be broken, my prayer that he’ll find someone else, my prayer that God will give them comfort, my prayer that they’ll find peace no matter what the outcome is, my prayer that you will rescue them, my prayer that you will deliver them, my prayer that you’ll rescue all of us, my prayer that you will break us gently, my prayer that you will reveal your overwhelming love to him, my prayer that you will use me, my prayer that you’ll give me the strength to be used, my prayer that your presence will be as obvious as the air we breathe, my prayer that he’ll find you, my prayer that you’ll give her the strength to go on if he doesn’t, my prayer that you’ll keep them safe in their journey, my prayer that somehow this will all make sense someday, my prayer that you’ll send us joy, my prayer that you’ll dry the tears.

It’s all I have in the world to give.