Wednesday, February 25, 2004

…was blind but now I see

Last night I went to see The Passion of The Christ. It’s so hard to offer words to explain something that has irreversibly altered my very soul. It’s almost as if using them I’ll somehow cheapen what I’ve experienced because truly words can do no justice. This movie is something that millions of people are going to not just see but experience. And somehow, underneath all that there’s a level of intimacy that I experienced that I’ve never had before. I could’ve been the only one in that entire theatre and it wouldn’t have felt any different than it did surrounded by hundreds of others. I could spend the rest of this lifetime and all of eternity doing all I could to repay Him, but it could never even come close to being enough. It’s why He came, it’s why He suffered. It’s why He died. For me.

I was broken at the first glimpse of what it must’ve been like for Him in the Garden of Gethsemane bent over, under the weight of the sins of the world. My sins. It was excruciating, and somehow at the same time absolutely beautiful because I knew the ending. I had become so calloused to the actual gift that He gave me that I think along the way I’d become “used” to Him. He changed me through this movie. I pray I never stop being broken. I pray I never forget to be thankful. I pray that every day I only love Him more. I’ve never looked forward to being with Him for all of eternity more than I do now.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
Amazing love, now flowing down
From hands and feet
That were nailed to the tree
His grace flows down and covers me
~Christy Nockels

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

“I long to shout the cure, from this mountain’s peak… instead my whispered words are all that I can speak…”

Do you ever lie in bed at night and realize that you’ve become the worst version of yourself? That the way you’re living your life is something you swore you’d never do? It’s strange what prompts those realizations. This time strangely enough, it was the realization of caring for someone deeper than I thought that makes me realize I’m not caring much at all. I’m apathetic and I’m bored. I’m not happy with today but I don’t know how to fix tomorrow. I don’t finish things I start. I’m surprised I even have any sort of real friendships b/c I can’t seem to follow up on other things in my life. Being afraid to fail has somehow become afraid to try. I doubt myself. I doubt my feelings. I doubt my direction. I doubt my intelligence. I just can’t accept that this is it. I know that we’re not supposed to ever become fully at peace in our lives here on earth, b/c it’s not our home. But will I always feel this chaotic? I feel like a child who spins in a circle for too long and I want nothing more than to lay on the grass until my head will clear. I find myself longing for those people in my life who ask me for nothing, simply my presence is enough for them. I cling to that b/c I realize right now I don’t have anything more to give. He’s opening my eyes and He’s changing me. I hate this listless version of myself but at least I can see it now. I want to be broken. I want to allow myself to care again. I want to breathe deeper. I want to look in the mirror and see so much more of Him, and so much less of me. It’s so much easier to start with a blank canvas than to fix the smeared attempt in front of me. There’s something about being alone and relying only on yourself, that can turn into being alone, relying on yourself and forgetting to watch for Him, forgetting to listen to Him, forgetting to look for Him. Maybe it’s been a necessary form of protection. Maybe finally, I’m just tired of protecting.

How long to sing this song?
How long to sing this song?
How long...
How sing this song

Monday, February 16, 2004

Today I woke up with this terrible sense of longing. Not at all sure where it came from, or what has prompted it but I haven’t been able to shake it yet. Maybe I’m just tired.

Today is one of those “I’d rather be anywhere in the world but here.” days. So instead of talking about what’s really going on with me, I’ll talk about all the places I’d rather be.

I’d rather be on a blanket out at Lemon Lake reading a book. It’d be just warm enough for a long sleeve shirt and jeans and it’d smell like one of the first days of spring.

I'd rather be sitting on the counter in 820 talking about whatever comes to mind and playing with my sprinkles.

I’d rather be in Venezuela sitting in a restaurant laughing with people that will probably never be in the same place at once again, about jokes that don’t even make sense.

I’d rather be blowing bubbles sitting on the old porch swing, watching people walk by.

I’d rather be laughing at junk in old antique stores with a friend who makes me laugh harder than almost anyone in the world.

I’d rather be in a dark and cramped room listening to music that makes you breathe deeper.

I’d rather be on a road trip playing getting to know your friends to make the long ride a little more bearable.

I’d rather be sitting with my hands in the sand at the ocean after dark listening to the water.

I need a change of scenery. I need a change of pace. I need a sense of direction. I need to understand my calling. I need to feel important. I need to feel smart. I need to feel creative. I need to feel loved. I need to laugh. I need to cry. I need to sleep. I need to go away. I need to give. I need to give up. I need to open my eyes. I need to listen. I need to be quiet.

I walk in the air between the rain,
Through myself and back again.
Where? I don't know....

Round here we're carving out our names
Round here we all look the same
Round here we talk just like lions
But we sacrifice like lambs....

Round here.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

The Lessons I Learned from Nancy Drew…

While at my aunt’s house the other day, I came across a little book. “Nancy Drew’s Guide to Life”.
For those of you who know me fairly well, you know I LOVE to read. I’ve been a voracious reader for as long as I can remember. I can even tell you about the exact day in Kindergarten at recess when they asked if I wanted to learn to read. I guess nowadays that’s commonplace for Kindergarten but then for some reason we didn’t really start until First Grade. My guess is they realized just how gifted I was, ok, so maybe it was something about me doing a lot of talking and wanting to give me something to do, either way…since that very first day when I began learning to read I’ve loved it. I used to be the kid that got in trouble for hiding a book in my desk during class to read. While I know that this blog is making me seem a bit of a nerd, if you don’t know that about me by now, you might as well learn. So I went through a pretty serious Nancy Drew stage in the middle of all of this. I read everything I could get my hands on. I even picked up a huge box full of the old books at a garage sale just a couple of years ago. So coming across this little book was quite a find. I found myself entertained for the rest of the evening by these interpretative lessons that were compiled by a girl who I can only assume like me picked up as many of these books as she could find. We’ve got lessons here on survival strategies, dating, sleuthing, the delicate art of etiquette wilderness tips, being a lady, powers of observation and accoutrements. Plenty of good material. So don’t be surprised dear reader, if many more of these lessons show up here in my future blogs.

In honor of that lovely commercialized holiday of Valentine’s Day (sidebar:why must we have one day a year that we tell people just how much we love them instead of the other 364 or 365 days a year in this case that we hopefully love them as well, or at least most of them) –regardless, in honor of that holiday (as well as Keith’s recent turkey mishap, so Maren you better pay close attention here) here’s some wise advice for all the women on dating.

“Don’t force your date to go to a ballet or another activity that may not be to his liking if he was knocked unconscious earlier in the day.” –The Double Jinx Mystery

I can only assume, ladies that this advice was much needed and well noted.
Such keen advice, from such a swell gumshoe.

Friday, February 06, 2004

What’s with today today?
~Empire Records

I am so restless. Some weeks are worse than others I suppose and some days I just don’t feel like I fit in my life. I feel like that part in A Wrinkle in Time, when the kids end up on some other “planet” and for a while they think things are normal. Everything looks normal, from the Levittown style houses, to the flowers out front. Then the doors open simultaneously and the kids come out at the same time. They start bouncing their balls, and even that is in sync. And you realize there’s no identity.

I wonder if I’ll always be this restless. I know that God doesn’t want us to find perfect peace in this world b/c we’d become too attached to it. And this isn’t our home. I remind myself of that often, but still wonder if I’ll ever find just a little peace. I don’t think it’s going to be here. Not in Indianapolis, not in this job, not living this life. I just don’t know what He wants me to do or where he wants me to go in the meantime.

I went to see Big Fish Monday. I was the only one in the entire theatre. It was kind of strange. I definitely enjoyed the movie. Just found that picking my seat was more difficult than I expected. I’m more of one of those- let whomever I’m with pick the spot sort of person, so there I was with the entire decision being only mine, for me to determine just where I liked sitting the best. It was a harder decision than I expected, which is just ridiculous. I need to work on my decision-making skills. There’s really something rather cathartic about seeing movies by yourself. It’s nice.

I’ve realized that I’m a much better crocheter than a knitter. Seriously. And I’m not even going to address the “single girl spending her time crocheting” argument. Needless.

The cost of our health care system is asinine. I talked to my sister yesterday who’s a teacher. They just raised her insurance policy an additional $200 a month. That makes it a whopping $900 a month, they’re paying for their family policy. My brother-in-law’s church doesn’t offer it to their employees and they can’t go independent b/c he’s got a pretty serious heart condition. It’s insane. She’s a teacher, and it spending her days making sure most kids don’t grow up to be complete idiots, and is being robbed to make sure her family is taken care of. I think I’ll just stop now before I end up going on forever. Some things are just messed up.

Nickel Creek put up some new tour dates. Unfortunately they’re about as close at Pennsylvania and Georgia. If one of those newly listed dates (obviously not PA or GA) is anywhere near the ocean, maybe I’ll just take off and go for a couple of days. I could definitely use a visit to the ocean, or at least a little relief from the snow and ice. I’m officially sick of winter. Granted, that’s been official for a number of weeks now, and I guess good ‘ol Phil says we’ve got a long way to go. (The Groundhog Phil). Ahh well, what can you do? “There is no way this winter is EVER going to end as long as that groundhog keeps seeing his shadow. I don't see any way out of it. He's got to be stopped. And I have to stop him.” If you can’t place that quote, go out, watch some movies and learn what humor is.

Going to see cold mountain tonight. Looking forward to the music on that one. Heard an interview with Allison Krauss just this morning on my way to work. (She’s got a song or two on the album.) She’s so down to earth. 14 grammys. She’s tied with Aretha Franklin. That’s insane. She’s great though. If you haven’t listened to her, go out, find some Allison and let me know what you think.

Ok, I should wrap up this additional blog about nothings. That’s 2 in a row. I should find something more interesting to talk about.