Thursday, May 12, 2005

“i think about it sometimes. i think we would have been happy, broke, and we'd have the most cluttered closets in America." ~j.c.

I try not to play the what-if game too often. I think that things happen for a reason, good and bad so playing the what-if game discounts what God has planned for my life. And it takes away from the decisions that I’ve made- good or bad that have shaped who I am. Today is my one year anniversary at my job. And it made me think about how I got here and the connections I made to end up where I am. Lisa telling Jason about the church, me ending up there and meeting Ang, going to Florida with her and becoming good friends, Ang coming here and getting me an interview 9 months later… So today I thought about it.

And I asked myself, what if?

What if I’d transferred to CBC like I wanted to my freshman year of college?
What if I had just majored in music regardless of what my parents thought about it?
What if I’d lived with Cynthia and Neetra instead of deciding to live in the CSF house with Michelle?
What if I’d never had that first conversation on the lawn at Dunn Meadow about relationships with Menny?
What if Emily had never been my roommate, and we’d never taken all of those classes together?
What if Id’ never gone to Solid Rock?
What if I’d never gone back out with Jon my senior year?
What if I’d never met Paul or Michael, the two people who have taught me more about worship than I ever thought possible?
What if I’d lost touch with the boys after high school?
What if Christin hadn’t forced me to go to FISH group?
What if I’d never gone to a single worship conference?
What if Jacob could’ve stayed as happy as he was with me that one summer?
What if I’d never seen Nickel Creek live?
What if I had a real relationship with my dad?
What if I’d never had Mr. Day as a choral director?
What if I knew who my husband was going to be?
What if I didn’t have this job?
What if I’d never had that conversation with Shane in Florida?
What if I finished everything I started?
What if I’d never told Sarah she had to face it and go back and talk to him?
What if I’d never worked with Mike, and then met Dan?
What if I hadn’t gone to California with Menny and waited till that exact moment to bring up what I’d wanted to talk to her about for years?
What if Jason hadn’t chaperoned Solid Rock that summer?
What if I’d never met Jamie?
What if Emily and I had gone to that job fair?
What if I’d never written that note to Kelly?
What if it hadn’t thunderstormed that night on the porch?
What if this had been the right time and it had worked out?
What if I didn’t know what love felt like?
What if I had someone who wanted to know the story behind all of these questions just b/c they wanted to know me?

Some things I guess, are better left unknown.

For now anyway.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

6-15-04 One day, somebody woke up and said to themself "I'm going to steal two corn skewers today. Only two, though, no more." I tip my hat to that person.

Sometimes you just need to laugh. I ended up on this website ( of a guy who simply posts random pictures with captions. I’ve been sitting here laughing to the point of crying for the last 30 minutes. It’s great, so I’m sharing it. So thank you Anthony, for being the highlight of an otherwise very very dull day. If you ever happen around the Midwest, give me a call. I’ll show you all my favorite thrift stores and then we'll go roller skating.
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Monday, May 09, 2005

Pass me be, I’ll be fine. Just give me time….

I long.

To be held-To be loved-To be understood-To be accepted-To have someone find me beautiful at my very worst-To love in return-To give-To cry-To worship-To laugh a lot-To travel-To see-To listen-To be missed-To really listen-To be silent-To touch-To be touched-To feel protected-To feel complete-To fill that void-To see Jesus everywhere all the time-To try again-To be ok with failing-To have someone want to get through my entire maze-To finish a puzzle-To never stop learning-To sit on the roof-To have my heart not hurt-To hear the ocean-To find peace-To learn to paint-To sit in the rain-To learn from my mistakes-To sing a song-To listen to someone I love’s heartbeat-To get flowers-To walk barefoot in the grass-To build a sandcastle-To have someone reach for my hand-To have someone hold my head when they hug me-To stand in the fountain-To understand God’s timing-To grasp God’s grace-To feel God’s love.

To be. Is that too much to ask?

Older chests reveal themselves
Like a crack in a wall
Starting small, and grow in time
And we (always) seem to need the help
Of someone else
To mend that shelf(of)
Too many books
Read me your favorite line

Like time, there's always time
On my mind
So pass me by, I'll be fine
Just give me time
~d. rice

Thursday, May 05, 2005

All alone in my kitchen, all alone in my head.
Some things you can't take back once they've been said.
Don't know what this love is for.
All I know is I don't want it anymore.
Now you'd think that I should've known better.
I, I should have seen it comin'
My heart sayin', when I read that letter,
"Sink like a stone; sink like a stone."
~Nickel Creek

Some things never change. I was down in Bloomington this week for a Nickel Creek concert. Dear Jesus, if I could just make plans to go to one of those anytime I have something heavy in my mind and in my heart, my life would be a lot simpler. My dear Ems was nice enough to go early and we ended up on Stage Rt at the very edge in front of where Sara is positioned. One of the best things about Nickel Creek when they’re in that sort of a format for a concert is that they move all over the place, and they end up at the very very edge of the stage playing. So there I stood 6 inches from what I consider to be one of the most beautiful displays of passion I’ve ever experienced. If everyone could express themselves the way I think in particular Chris does through music, life would sure be happier. I’m not sure that I said a word for over 2 hours, unless it was “Are you KIDDING me?” Some things I don’t think I could explain if I tried. The way that music affects me is one of those. It just makes me breathe deeper. So over 2 hours later I walked away more at peace than I’ve been in a really long time. Some music just makes me worship God. Nickel Creek is one of those groups. I listen to them and something in me is inexplicably drawn to His Spirit more. Maybe it’s the passion that I see embodied as they play, maybe it’s simply the way that they write- all I know is it makes my heart happy and that couldn’t have come at a better time.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

There's a certain kind of pain that can numb you.
There's a type of freedom that can tie you down.
Sometimes the unexplained can define you,
And sometimes, silence is the only sound.
~c. thile

I talked with a close friend yesterday about the idiosyncrasies that make us who we are. Those things about ourselves that sometimes we hate so much b/c somehow we think it makes us less than adequate. I’ve found strangely, that those very things are what has drawn me to some of my closest friends. Those things that they think are faults, those things they think are flaws- I find the most beautiful. It’s in those parts of them that I see God in all of His intricate creation. I told him that the very part of him he hated the most, was the biggest reason I was drawn to him. And it also made me want to share those parts of me that make me hurt the most. And because of that, I can’t imagine a day when we won’t be friends. I’ve realized if I can’t share my weaknesses, I certainly can’t expect someone to find my strength. Who I am in the dark is a better indication of the real me, then you’ll ever see in the light. I won’t share the light if you don’t want the dark. B/c at least for me, it’s impossible to separate the two. And honestly, I don’t think I’d ever want to.

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Monday, May 02, 2005

I guess I know better now
That few things ever go
The way that we mean anyhow
And that’s better I suppose
~t. golden

This is who I am.
I’m passionate- about life and music and the people I care about the most.
I’m introspective- perhaps too much at times, but I’m always wondering what’s going on underneath the surface.
I’m happy- it takes very little.
I’m strong- even when I don’t feel like I can be.
I’m a heart person- I will follow 100 times what my heart tells me, over what my head thinks may be a reality.
I’m sensitive- at times overly so but only because I care so much.
I’m impulsive- sometimes I just jump before thinking but even when I don’t land on my feet, I know that Someone is catching me.
I’m slow to anger and quick to forgive- but sometimes I have trouble forgetting.
I’m trustworthy- and have built friendships in the strangest of places with that.
I’m lonely- but I’ve learned it’s better to feel the lonely I feel alone, than to feel lonely with someone else. That’s so much worse.
I'm giving- maybe to a fault sometimes.
I’m perceptive- and pick up things that people don’t say even when I’d rather not know.
I’m patient- with whatever it is that God is trying to show me and teach me and I trust Him to reveal it to me at the right time.
I’m flawed- but those flaws are as much a part of me as my strengths and while I can work to change, some of those are ingrained so deeply that I will always carry them with me.
I’m scarred- but I know that those scars show I’ve lived and I’ve loved and I’d rather have those than not know at all.
I’m at peace- that above and beyond anything else I’m not in control and I don’t want to be.
I’m enough- most importantly for Him, and someday even with all of my imperfections, for someone else.

I sit alone, a dark theater,
Watching the people arrive hand in hand, everybody but me.
Oh...I stay behind, watching the credits roll by.
Roll, roll, roll right by me.
Well I know, I won't cry cause there is somebody, somebody,
Somebody waiting for me out in the rain.
I won't cry, not tonight,
Cause there is somebody waiting for me.

I take a walk,
The streets are busy tonight,
And I'm searching for you,
Waiting to brush your shoulder.
When I'm alone, I watch the faces roll by.
Roll, roll, roll right by me.
Well I know, I won't cry cause there is somebody, somebody,
Somebody waiting for me, out in the rain.
I won't cry, not tonight,
Cause there is somebody waiting for me.

How many words will go unspoken?
'Til I hear knocking on my door?
I need some talking the nights I spent heartbroken.
But tonight I know, I won't cry no more.

I lie awake. I left the porch light on.
I hope it helps you to find your way.
Outside I hear the thunder roll by.
Roll, roll, roll right by me.
I know, I won't cry cause there is somebody, somebody,
Somebody waiting for me, out in the rain.

Not gonna cry tonight No
Cause there is somebody waiting for me.
Not gonna cry tonight
Not tonight
Cause there is somebody waiting for me.
I stay behind watching the credits roll by.
Roll, roll, roll right by me.

somebody-b. mckee