Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Last night I was heading home pretty late from a friends house. I was almost to the Interstate on one of the major roads in Indy. I was sitting at a red light and watched a car pull out from my right to turn and go the opposite way I was heading. They were moving very slowly and it was obvious they either couldn’t see well, or didn’t have a clue what they were doing. While I watched, they proceeded to go towards oncoming traffic in the turning lane as opposed to getting all the way to the other side where the opposite lanes were. I honked and they slowed slightly from their crawl, but you could tell they were just lost. As I drove away I could still see their tail lights going in the opposite direction than they were supposed to.

Sometimes I feel like that. Like everyone is watching me going very slowly in the wrong direction, or sitting so still I might as well be going backwards. And even though the people that see me are honking, and waving, I’m still going that way b/c frankly while something seems a little off, I haven’t realized that I’m going the wrong way yet. Maybe I’m not really going the wrong way, I just haven’t found the right way yet. Maybe i just need a different perspective.

8 days till I leave for Worship conference and I’m really really looking forward to it. There’s something about being able to leave everything at work and home behind and just meeting God. I allow myself to get so distracted by “life” that I know my focus becomes skewed and He doesn’t get the time and attention He deserves. Do I ever give anything the focus and attention it deserves? There are few things that really frustrate me more than a friendship or relationship or even some sort of project that I’ve put so much time and energy into- that works only until someone finds what they find to be a “better” replacement, or they find something that somehow makes my project or even my presence no longer as necessary. Why as humans is there such an innate sort of feeling over being needed? I hate that I want people to need me, while I hate finding myself needing someone else. It’s a bit of a double standard. I’m not sure really what it says about me. I just know that the people I love most in this world, are partly so dear to me b/c I need them by not needing them. I hope that somehow makes sense outside of my mind. I need some connection. I need a storm and a porch swing, I need a trip to Chicago, I need a rainy step outside of a church, I need lemon lake, I need a rooftop, I need a fountain, I need a roadtrip, I need a nice shady spot in Dunn Meadow, I need a letter dripped on by ice cream and rained on by the clouds above, I need a messy basement and a little worship. Why does it seem that connection is so far away?

What was it about that night? Connection in an isolated age.
For once the shadows gave way to light,

For once I didn’t disengage. ~RENT


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home