Monday, November 24, 2003

From a recent email- where I am today…

When I flew into Vegas I realized that these were mountains I’d never seen before, and I felt like somehow I was cheating myself. Not that I want to move to Vegas, but the idea of a different view, seeing the mountain peaks above the tops of buildings, and realizing this was a city in the middle of the desert, and realizing that I’ve never seen anything. I’ve never experienced groups of people outside of my little bubble of existence, and that makes me sad. And wondering where do you go when there’s so much to see, what do you look for when you don’t know what’s missing. So I bundle my coat up a little tighter, and look a little more to the ground, and I don’t look around for what’s out there. B/c it’s scary, and I don’t know how far it’ll take me, and maybe I’m not as strong as I think I am, or maybe I’ve found comfort in being comfortable, and when do you cross that fine line into complacency, what if God is waiting to show me incredible things, that if I just allow him to move me, would change the way I even breathe. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am. And I wonder what anyone else sees in me that makes them come back. B/c I’m just a mixed up jumble of fears. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of change, fear of things staying the same, fear of being alone, fear of being with someone. And I mask it, with a smile, and a laugh, and a joke, pretending that I know what I’m doing, pretending that I know who I am, pretending that I have a clue what God wants for me. And in all actuality, I just feel lost

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you
a. morissette

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

I suppose I should’ve taken some time yesterday to update everyone on my trip to Vegas. My flight was set to get in at 6:30 a.m. after leaving Vegas at midnight, since we have that lovely loss of 3 hours. Unfortunately due to the Indiana flatlands, we had a bit of a fog issue. The issue being that it wouldn’t lift. So after a good hour and a half in a holding pattern. (What pattern is that really?) we were sent to the oh so nice airport of Dayton, OH to spend 2 hours trying to sleep in chairs with these horrible armrests. I dozed off on the floor to be awoken by a lady with a serious attitude, grumbling about trying to make it home to Indy, telling me our flight was boarding. I follow her, only to realize that it’s not my flight at all, but the plane coming from California to Indy. So thanks for nothing lady. Anyway, instead of landing at 6:30, it was sometime after noon and I made it to work, on little to no sleep by 1. Not sure what I accomplished while here, but at least I was here. Not that I’m sure here is where I want to be though either. Anyway, here’s a little list of some stuff I picked up while in Vegas.

Top 10 Things I learned on my trip to Las Vegas:
#10. It really is possible to build an entire city in the middle of the desert.
#9. Indiana is way way way too flat.
#8. The Mediterranean Café is a fantastic restaurant. (Even 3 times in 4 days good.)
#7. People know how to throw dinner parties. Champagne & the Osbournes always make for a good time.
#6. Nothing is too lavish or over the top when casinos are concerned. The gross amounts of money spent at these places is nothing short of despicable.
#5. I want to learn to Knit. Like this week. Who wants a scarf for Christmas?
#4. Lost in Translation is an amazing movie. Emotive, poignant, and extremely funny.
#3. A good time is had by all when beatboxing, free verse, and My Girl all combine.
#2. I haven’t seen nearly enough of the world. Or even the United States. I need to do something about that.
#1. Keith lives in an absolutely beautiful community, and I was blessed just by glimpsing that for a few days.

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

d. rice “blower’s daughter”

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

La Vie Boheme

To days of inspiration, playing hooky
Making something out of nothing,
The need to express, to communicate
To going against the grain, going insane, going mad
To loving tension, no pension, to more than one dimension
To starving for attention, hating convention, hating pretension...
Emotion, devotion, to causing a commotion...
Compassion, to fashion, to passion when it's new...
To no shame never playing the fame game...
Food of love, emotion, mathematics, isolation,
Rhythm, feeling, power, harmony,
And heavy competition...
Revolution, justice, screaming for solutions,
Forcing changes, risk, and danger
Making noise and making pleas...

Anyone out of the mainstream
Is anyone in the mainstream?
Tear down the wall
Aren't we all
The opposite of war
Isn't peace...
It's creation

La Vie Boheme -RENT

Yes I know it's disjointed with lines missing, but a lot of it is running through my head today so I thought it worth posting, lines missing and all. Today it's just how I feel.

This time tomorrow, I'll be in Vegas. :)

Thursday, November 06, 2003

Were I to leave, where else would I go?

This week, I've listened to the Give medley by Third Day about a hundred times. I'm not sure why, but for some reason it's just been resonating with me. I don't love enough. I see all of these areas where I'm falling short, and I've realized that's what it comes down to. I just don't love enough. So, that's my prayer right now. "All I want is love, I confess to this. I will take it, Lord. All You have to give." we were created to be loved. He is love, and if you don't have a way to express that, it's almost as if it's futile. I think sometimes I get frustrated, b/c I feel like I have so much love to give, and no one to give it to. I was thinking about it the other day. one of my best friends told me he's really unhappy right now. And he said he didn't know if he could stay in the relationship he's in forever, b/c he wants someone to take care of him. And it hurt me though I know he didn't realize it. I wanted to take care of him, and somehow it wasn't enough. There's no worse feeling than pouring yourself into someone and knowing it's not enough. I think I hold back sometimes in pouring myself into Jesus, b/c I don't see how it can ever be nearly enough. Maybe that's the beauty of it, He loves us anyway. Even through our broken displays of emotion, our less than eloquent prayers, our torn and imperfect hearts, He still loves us.

You said all that follow You may find
Comfort and pain, blessings in hard times
Were I to leave, where else would I go?
The words of life and of truth You hold

All I want is love
I confess to this
I will take it, Lord
All you have to give

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of Earth
Will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

And You give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

All I want is love
And I confess to this
I will take it, Lord
All You have to give
All You have to give
All You have
All You have to give

Your love, oh Lord
Reaches to the heavens
Your faithfulness stretches to the sky
And Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains
Your justice flows like the ocean's tides

And I will lift my voice
To worship You, my king
~Third Day

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Is it ok to be lame if you know you are? I was late to work today b/c I couldn’t decide what shoes to wear. I seriously have a problem. Maybe the problem has nothing to do with my shoes though. Maybe it’s just the pants. What do you wear with burgundy corduroys anyway? Geez. People who only have 2 pair of shoes don’t have this problem. When you don’t have variety decisions are so much easier. Course most people with variety aren’t nearly as anal retentive as I am so they don’t seem to have this problem either. Blasted obsessive compulsive tendencies…

I had a real blog started, about one of my favorite songs this week. But I realized while writing it, that I’m still digesting the song. So I can’t write about it yet. I had a good time at the Halloween party Friday even though no one really showed. I actually think I enjoyed it more b/c no one showed. Sometimes I hate large groups of people. I’m more of a small group sort of person I guess. Going to see Glen Phillips tomorrow night. It’s a small venue so it looks to be a good show. (As if there was any doubt…)

I’ve been thinking about family dysfunction lately. We’ve all got it even if we don’t want to admit it. My family is extremely close. Maybe abnormally so, but who really determines what’s normal anyway? I was thinking about it this weekend. I was out at my mom’s house and we were still sitting around in our pajamas reading books around noon when someone knocked on the door. It was the woman who lives across the street from my Grama’s. My mom was in the kitchen and the woman was speaking in hushed tones so I didn’t know what was going on. Mom called me in and asked me if I heard what she’d said, so when I got in the kitchen, my mom had this blank sick look on her face. I guess this neighbor had been watching out her window and saw my uncle sitting in his trunk. He’d been there for hours, and she thought it was still running. This uncle is an extreme alcoholic. I know that I rarely ever see him sober. Most of the time he’s falling down drunk, or I’m hearing stories about how mean he is coming to my grama’s house drunk. My grama was in Kentucky visiting family, so no one was home and the neighbor didn’t know where to go. To put it straight, she thought he was in his truck dead and didn’t know who to call. My mom calmly changed clothes, got in the car and drove over. All I could think was that my mom had already been the one to find another brother dead only that one from a supposed suicide by gunshot wound. I offered to go with her, but my little sister was outside playing with the neighbor girls so someone needed to stay there. I was just sick, and all I could do was pray. My mom came back about 10 minutes later, apparently he’d gotten home so drunk he couldn’t walk. So he’d taken off his shoes and went to sleep in his truck with the radio on. Mom made him go inside, and then drove back home. He had no idea how sick she was. She came back just white, and said that it had really scared her. Then changed the subject. The thought has crossed everyone’s mind in the family though. How he’s still living as it is, I don’t know. To be honest, I was more worried about my mom finding him dead, than him actually being dead. I know that alcoholism is a disease, but this is something my mom’s family has tried again and again to help him with. He’s been checked into numerous facilities, and the outcome is always the same. I wonder what causes some families to fall prey to this sort of dysfunction. Maybe it’s more normal than I think. Out of my grama’s 7 remaining surviving children, 2 of the 3 boys are alcoholics, and 3 of the 4 girls are married to alcoholics, with only one of those being a recovering alcoholic. Yet, they are one of the closest families I’ve ever seen. Any excuse to get together they take advantage of. 5 of the 7 still live in 2 adjacent counties. I guess every family has their problems, it’s just how well they choose to hide them I suppose. I don’t know why I’m writing about this, I certainly don’t know how to fix it or help it, I guess I just want to keep myself aware. When you allow yourself to forget, the pain starts to ebb. Avoidance only builds denial though. This is what happens when I just follow train of thought. It’s who my family is though. And I love them.

Maybe this became a real blog after all.