Thursday, November 11, 2004

For now...

I met someone last night, and it’s left me feeling a little more introspective today. For those of you who know me, no I didn’t MEET someone, I just met someone, but for some reason it really messed with my head. I’m not the type of girl to meet someone and immediately be interested. In fact, I’m more of the type to think of someone as a possibility and then spend every moment I talk to them trying to rule them out. I look for warning flags as to why I couldn’t be interested before I ever look for flags as to why I should. I guess that’s a self-protection sort of habit I have. I don’t fall in love or out of love easily, and after a couple of rough relationships, I pretty much swore off dating all together. Not in that martyrish- “I’m going to be single for absolute ever.” But more in that, “God, I don’t want to do this again, so unless I need to learn something from someone, protect me from relationships that won’t lead to marriage.” Therefore, I’ve found myself really single for going on 5 years now. That’s not to say that the absolute next relationship I get in will be it. I’d like to think I’m a little more level headed than that. But I do think that it’s also a very real possibility. There have been several times over the last 4-5 years when I’ve wished I could take that prayer back. Not so much wished to take it back that I actually did pray that God wouldn’t honor that prayer. But in those moments when I’m going home by myself on another holiday, or another Friday night passes when I spend my time either out at my mom’s house or with any of the marrieds I find myself a little wistful and a little too nostalgic. Maybe I’ve blogged about this before, but I hate to be lonely more than anything else. Not b/c the lonely is so bad, but more so b/c I feel like it’s a selfish emotion that I shouldn’t experience in a life that’s so full. I find myself lonely, and then immediately angry with myself for feeling that way again. At times I have wondered if maybe I’m a bit too picky. I mean am I asking too much in that I want a guy who’s passionate about God, and music, that makes me laugh and dresses their personality? That’s essentially all that it comes down to. I don’t know. I just know that for the first time in a really long time, last night I felt something. I really felt something. And it was strange. There’s no feeling that causes more insecurity in me than instant attraction with someone I’ve hardly spoken with. Oh who am I kidding, there’s no feeling that causes more insecurity in me than attraction period. It has nothing to do with whether I’ve just met the person or known them my whole life. I wonder why that is. For the most part, I consider myself to be a pretty secure person. There are some things that I’m insecure about myself, but they are things that I can and am working to fix. They’re typically not anything to do with who I am as a person. However when it comes to attraction, and meeting someone, I suddenly feel completely unworthy and self-conscious in about every way possible. It’s ridiculous. I hate that I’m that incredibly bad with being vulnerable and I wonder if that’s something that I’ll continue to struggle with. I guess by now I’d hoped I’d just grow out of it. Unfortunately, that’s not seeming to be at all the case. I’d like to think that once I get over the insecurities that I do have, being vulnerable will become easier. But really, I don’t think that’s the case at all. Sometimes I think it’ll just take falling in love again, and realizing that things don’t always end in such a negative way. People don’t always just fall out of love or choose a different lifestyle. But will that make any difference either? I don’t know. All I know today is that I met someone. And felt something. And maybe that should be enough.

For now.

All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, I feel it say...

Nothing’s so cold
As closing the heart when all we need
Is to free the soul
But we wouldn’t be that brave I know
And the air outside so soft, confessing everything

And it won’t matter now
Whatever happens to me
Though the air speaks of all we’ll never be
It won’t trouble me

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

I don't think I've ever been as excited about a movie remake as I am with this one right here. That's not something you'd normally here me say either b/c I don't really think a lot of movies need to be remade. This one especially. It's already in my top 2 easy. Most days I'd probably even say it was flat out my number 1 favorite. I guess that makes me a little strange, seeing as it is a pretty strange movie, but nonetheless you'd expect me to be very opposed to a remake of one of my favorite movies, especially when I found out it was no longer going to be a musical.

Then, I heard that not only was Tim Burton directing it, Johnny Depp is starring, and then my entire opinion changed. Now I really can't wait. So I thought what better place to ramble on about it, than here on my blog... I know, I know, nothing deep. Nothing too personal. Unless it reveals something really strange about my personality that I love, love, LOVE Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. And if that's the case, well, I'd love to hear exactly what that is.
Posted by Hello

Friday, November 05, 2004

Maybe I'll go to the movies, a comedy would be ideal.
I know that probably won't happen
Cause this made up town is far too real.
-C. Thile

I realize I haven’t blogged since I went to NYC. I’ve wanted to a couple times. But I felt like it was a trip that needed a decent explanation, and even now 3 weeks later I’m not sure I’m ready for that. It was a great weekend, don’t get me wrong. That’s not in any way a negative thing. It’s more that I feel like if I talk about NYC, I need to talk about Wicked, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet. I will say that it was the best show I’ve ever seen. (Even topping RENT that I’ve seen a half dozen times) I will also say that I cried through the whole thing. I think part of that is b/c of it being such a fantastic show, and part of it was honestly being with the people that I was with. Watching a show about relationships and how we’re affected by them with people who have caused me to be “changed for good” is more overwhelming than I can put into words here. I haven’t even listened to the cast album since then b/c every time I try to turn it on, it just makes me cry. Ridiculous. I’m not usually an emotional person. Although I’m seeing me become more of an emotional person the older I get. Doesn’t make a lot of sense, but oh well. Anyway, NYC was great. Maybe one of these days I’ll tell you about Wicked, without giving any of it away. Today isn’t that day.

I will tell you that I laughed a lot that weekend, and then laughed some more. Oh and I had some good sushi. Spicy tuna even. I’m not usually the spicy tuna type but it was GREAT. Hmm, what else… I bought a great watch at the Swatch store. If I had it on today I’d take a picture of it and post it here. But I don’t so another day. Another funny thing- when we were on our way home, it ended up 3 of us were in the back of the plane (row 17) while 1 person was all the way in the front. (row 2). I decided it only seemed fair that we write her a little note. Unfortunately I was a little slow in my folding it in a football shape like we did in jr. high, and missed the flight attendant for take off. I figure she still deserves the note, so I just nicely tap the guy diagonal from me and ask if he could pass it up to the next person. He looked at me a little strangely, and I guess I can understand why. Here’s a twentysomething female, handing some college aged kid a small football shaped note that simply reads mary r. 2A and asking to pass it forward. But he obliged. Every couple of people someone would turn around quizzically and I’d give them this horribly cheesy grin and a big thumbs up to keep passing. The best was when she finally got it, they all turned around and passed back the verbal message that it made it. It reminded me of that scene in Empire Records where warren is holding up the store and Deb comes out to try to figure out what he’s doing and says “What’re you doing with that gun Warren? You’re going to hurt someone Warren. Put the gun down Warren.” And he replies my name isn’t f-ing Warren Why do you keep calling me that?!” And the entire line of people peeking out from the backroom say, His name isn’t warren, His name isn’t warren, His name isn’t warren? His name isn’t Warren… Cracks me up every time. Anyway, we all had a good laugh, and I thought Jamie was going to pass out he was laughing so hard. I don’t get why people are so stuffy when surrounded by people they don’t know. Lighten up a little bit.

Phantom of the Opera opens Wednesday so it’s been a little frantic around here. I would like to add a public service announcement that if you don’t know how to work please charge by phone. Don’t waste my time by asking which night out of the entire 4 week run has the best tickets available b/c really, I don’t have time to check every last motherluving performance there is to see whether there’s a seat 2 rows closer on another day. I can only feign cheerfulness for so long. Oh who am I kidding, when would I ever be mean? I’ll just wait till I hang up to complain.

So I think I need to listen to some new music. So if anyone wants to send me some, let me know. I can use some suggestions. And some free music. I also have recently decided I really really REALLY want a mini ipod. So if someone wanted to send me one of those, silver of course, let me know and I’ll get you my mailing address. Or perhaps just help me out with a nice discounted rate on one of those. That’d help too. Maybe I should set up a "Buy Lizbeth an ipod" link to the left that you could donate to the worthy cause by using Paypal. I’d at least make it easy on you guys to help out my music obsession. Just a thought. Let me know if it's something I should look into...