Friday, April 22, 2005

A song to sing

When I was a little girl, one of my absolute favorite places to play was my closet. I know it sounds strange, but it’s true. I had a walk-in closet at the big white house in Charlottesville that I would spend hours in. Doing puzzles or napping or reading. I loved it there. Today, what I want to do more than anything in the world is crawl in that closet and go to sleep. Please don’t think that I’m unhappy. Sometimes I worry that what I write on here makes me sound like I’m a very depressed person, and that’s totally not the case. I’m happy. Maybe the happiest I’ve ever been. But part of me today just wants to hide. I don’t want to think about anything and I don’t want to do anything. I want a book, my blanket, and a nice little corner to lie in. I woke up last night to the storm outside, wide awake at 3 a.m. So I laid there and listened to the rain for a while before finally nodding back off. It reminded me of this time at school when I was completely overwhelmed by what was going on in my life. I’d gone outside to sit on my step and blow bubbles, b/c for some reason that always calms me down. And while I sat out there blowing bubbles, the rain started to fall. And I just kept trying to blow bubbles. And with every breath, the rain fell harder. So finally I just gave up. And I sat there. For the longest time I didn’t even move at all. I kept thinking that if I just sat there a little longer, maybe it’d wash some of my thoughts away. Today I just want to wash some of those thoughts away. Have you ever just wanted to make your mind stop and be for a while? I think that’s why I always loved to read so much. Even as a kid I’d even read while watching tv, or while I was in class (which my teachers always loved). B/c as long as I’m reading my mind is on something other than the 5000 different things that are on my heart. Lately I’ve just felt a little out of control and I hate it. For as over the top as I typically am with everything else, my mind and my feelings and my emotions are things that I try desperately to control. Lately I haven’t had control of that. I think that’s my own fault b/c I’ve prayed about it so much that God would take that control away from me. But now that He has, part of me desperately just wants it back. When I control how I feel, and when I control what I think, then I feel safe. When I realize that these things are in the hand of Someone else, even when it’s Someone who knows me so much better than I know myself- I get scared. I’m just so afraid to fall and I’m just so afraid to fail. Maybe I’m not doing enough. Maybe I’m not being enough. I’ve been disappointed in myself lately. How I’ve reacted to things, how I’ve reacted to people I care about. It’s always a little daunting when I realize just how far I’ve got to go. Something’s just don’t ever make sense. Maybe some things even if it's myself- aren’t ever supposed to. For now, I think I’ll just turn the music up.

Goodbye four leaf clovers.
Hello gone awry
Don’t cry the fight ain’t over
Unless you let it pass you by

I’m looking for a song to sing,
Looking for a friend to borrow.
I’m looking for my radio.
So I might find a heart to follow.

I’ve never been this
Longing for your lovin’
I’ve never been so
Wearin’ down to nothin’
I’ve never been just
Looking for a reason.
So maybe you’ve been thinkin’
Of me.
Oh...You’ve been thinking of me.


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