Thursday, April 21, 2005

Reason #823 Why My Little Sister is the Coolest 11-Year-Old in the World:

Emily: I need a boyfriend.

Me: No, you don’t. I didn’t have one till jr. high and I don’t think I kissed anyone till I was 15.

Emily: Really? I don’t need to kiss anyone. I just need a boyfriend. Everyone else has one.

Me: No, you don’t need one. Why do you need one?

Emily: Because everyone does and they buy you things off of olive cart, and you give them things off olive cart.

Me: Olive Cart?

Emily: Yeah, at lunch. They’ll buy you chips off of Olive Cart.


Emily: Well whatever it is yeah.

Me: Monster, it’s most definitely not an olive cart. It’s called A’La Carte.

Emily: Well whatever it is, I need a boyfriend.

Me: What else is on the Olive Cart?

Emily: Chips, and cookies and fruit roll-ups.

Me: Fruit Roll-ups?! Sweet. I need a boyfriend to buy me stuff off the Olive Cart.

Emily: Liiiiizzzz, come on.

Me: Emily, I’ll give you a dollar, you can buy yourself some chips. You don’t need a boyfriend.

Emily: You don’t get it.

Me: OLIVE CART?! I think you don’t get it.

Sometimes I wish I could be 11 again. Then other times, when I think about suddenly how important it became to get a boyfriend because everyone else has one, I realize I’m so glad it’s so long ago. I definitely didn’t ever fit that boyfriend-friendly mold there for quite a few years. People who’ve seen my old pictures can attest to that. A certain someone said I had a bad decade. Well he tried to say decade, but he said century… I’m still hoping that was an accident. :) I was thinking about school and the me that I was in school just yesterday. I stopped by the tanning place where my step-sister works to tan on my way to Mom’s yesterday. I thought maybe just maybe I’d make it out of there without seeing someone I know. But no luck. There in line right in front of me was a guy who graduated the year before me. I’m sure I talked to him some in high school. Nice guy, big jock. But suddenly I was incredibly self-conscious and I didn’t even make eye contact with him, much less say hi. That’s so unlike me. I could care less what Andy thinks of me, and for the most part I’m very confident in who I am. Somehow high school and all of those people that I never felt comfortable around before still give me that same feeling of inadequacy. It makes no sense to me. I guess I didn’t really know who I was then. Don’t get me wrong. I was really happy. I loved school. I had really great friends that I still have to this day. But there was that group of people that no matter what I did, I felt completely inadequate beside even if they liked me and were normal around me. I don’t know that they ever did anything to prompt those feelings. I think so much of those types of feelings are completely a personal thing. I “allowed” myself to feel somehow not worthy next to them and why? B/c I didn’t drink and I didn’t have sex? B/c I went to church every week and actually got good grades? I don’t know. But I was disappointed in myself yesterday. And I hate that feeling. It reminded me of the things that I used to not do just b/c I was single and I would’ve had to go by myself. Whether that was the movies, or a concert or even shopping- I found that I was more disappointed in myself staying home just b/c I was by myself, than I was uncomfortable at the fact that I was by myself. So even when I’d hate it- I still made myself do things. Thinking about it now, that seems a little bit masochistic- or maybe just plain stubborn. I don’t know. I guess some things we never outgrow.

Like right now, I’d really like a fruit roll-up.


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