Wednesday, February 18, 2004

“I long to shout the cure, from this mountain’s peak… instead my whispered words are all that I can speak…”

Do you ever lie in bed at night and realize that you’ve become the worst version of yourself? That the way you’re living your life is something you swore you’d never do? It’s strange what prompts those realizations. This time strangely enough, it was the realization of caring for someone deeper than I thought that makes me realize I’m not caring much at all. I’m apathetic and I’m bored. I’m not happy with today but I don’t know how to fix tomorrow. I don’t finish things I start. I’m surprised I even have any sort of real friendships b/c I can’t seem to follow up on other things in my life. Being afraid to fail has somehow become afraid to try. I doubt myself. I doubt my feelings. I doubt my direction. I doubt my intelligence. I just can’t accept that this is it. I know that we’re not supposed to ever become fully at peace in our lives here on earth, b/c it’s not our home. But will I always feel this chaotic? I feel like a child who spins in a circle for too long and I want nothing more than to lay on the grass until my head will clear. I find myself longing for those people in my life who ask me for nothing, simply my presence is enough for them. I cling to that b/c I realize right now I don’t have anything more to give. He’s opening my eyes and He’s changing me. I hate this listless version of myself but at least I can see it now. I want to be broken. I want to allow myself to care again. I want to breathe deeper. I want to look in the mirror and see so much more of Him, and so much less of me. It’s so much easier to start with a blank canvas than to fix the smeared attempt in front of me. There’s something about being alone and relying only on yourself, that can turn into being alone, relying on yourself and forgetting to watch for Him, forgetting to listen to Him, forgetting to look for Him. Maybe it’s been a necessary form of protection. Maybe finally, I’m just tired of protecting.

How long to sing this song?
How long to sing this song?
How long...
How sing this song


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