My conversation of the week

So I got this fantastic text message the other day about how Pretty saw a one-legged woman on a motorcycle. I'm not quite sure how that worked, but it was entertaining to think about nonetheless. So today he leaves me a voice mail telling me that he saw her again and as he's staring so is the book fair van in front of her to the extent that they crash into a parked car.

This conversation ensues:

e- wish you'd had a camera for the one legged woman on the motorcycle and the ensuing accident... :)

p- me too. i was excited by the book fair on wheels and when it hit a car it was even better. in my mind i was seeing books fly everywhere. but alas. it was minor

e- Wouldn't that have been great? and in my mind I see myself getting out of my car, smiling, picking up a book and sitting on the curb amongst the flying paper and carnage. perhaps a judy blume book? maybe, just maybe.

p- i picture us reading passages while ambulances and firetrucks gather around

e- it'd probably be just about the most fun we'd ever had.

It just doesn't take much to entertain me. That's all I'm saying.

What in the world has come over you?
What in heaven’s name have you done?
Broken the speed at the sound of loneliness
Out there running just to be on the run
-a.lee

“I’m really tired,” she whispers unaware she’s said it aloud.

“I know,” he says.

“I don’t think you do,” she says, with a little more emotion than she cares to show, noticing him for the first time. She doesn’t seem surprised at his presence.

“Why do you think I’m here?” he says.

“Because you’re supposed to be,” she replies.

“No that’s not it at all. There’s a difference in ‘supposed to be’ and wanting to be.”

“Maybe you could explain that to me then because I don’t think I want to talk right now.”

“If I was just supposed to be, I would’ve said something so you noticed me a long time ago. If I was just supposed to be I’d be giving you all sorts of advice you seem to expect me to give. If I was supposed to be here, I’d remind you of what you do have, instead of letting you think about what you don’t. If I was supposed to be here, I’d be telling you how you’re supposed to trust me instead of staying so busy you can’t sleep at night. If I was just supposed to be here, I’d tell you how you think if you run fast enough it won’t catch up.”

“It?”

“Loneliness. You’ve never been good with loneliness.”

“Thanks for the reminder. Besides how can you really say that? Do you know how long I’ve been alone?”

“Not alone. Just lonely. They’re two completely different things. Alone means not having someone to call when you sit on your floor and cry. Alone means not having someone miss you when they move away. Alone means never getting to share who you are with someone who might appreciate it. You’re just lonely.”

“Just? So nice of you to put it that way.”

“You know that’s not what I mean. I’m not making it less than it is. I’m not reducing it to nothing. You're the one who can’t let it be ‘just’. It’s really more simple than you’re making it.”

“Ok, so if I’m just lonely, then how do I fix it? Staying busy doesn’t do it. Finding a new song doesn’t do it. Talking for hours doesn’t do it. Sleeping doesn’t do it. Lying awake doesn’t do it. How do I fix it? If you want to be here, tell me how to fix it.”

“No.”

“NO?!”

“No, because I want to be here, I won’t tell you.”

“How am I supposed to figure it out then?”

“Let me just love you.”

“Just?”

“Yes, just. It’s just enough.”

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow?
What do you do with the left over you?
And how do you know, when to let go?
Where does the good go?
Where does the good go?

I’ve had so many conversations in the last few weeks about relationships. I don’t know exactly what God is trying to teach me but several of the people I’m closest to in my life are going through divorces and its left me really thinking about what I want in life. Sometimes I wish that I could change just what I’m drawn to. Is that normal? I mean, obviously I’m drawn to this type of person for a reason, but sometimes I don’t know that it’s the best choice for me. My mom and I talked about it for a long time. In light of some recent issues with my Dad, I’m wishing that I could understand him a little more. And at the same time I’m recognizing traits in me that either come from him, or as a result of him. And I’m not sure the best way to deal with those. Is it better to know exactly what I’m drawn to or just to let it be? And what happens when I’m drawn to someone that I never expected myself to be drawn to? Is that God or just me lonely? I don’t see myself as someone who’s fickle so I just think there has to be something behind it. Maybe it’s to teach me something, but how many object lessons is one person supposed to endure in their lifetime? I don’t know. Maybe I want too much. I want someone who will take risks for me. I want someone who wants to pursue me. I want someone who is drawn to who I am. I want someone who makes me more me. I want someone who accepts that I’ve got issues, and wants to love me through those. I want someone who’s not afraid to disagree with me. I want someone who’ll stand up to me. I want someone who’ll hold me when I’ve had a bad day. I want someone to think I’m the absolute perfect person for them. I want someone who makes me think more. I want someone who makes me more passionate. But more than anything else what I want is someone who’ll fight for me. Someone who thinks I’m worth working through all the issues we’re going to face together. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. And I’ll wait for it. As long as I have to.

Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
Look me in the eye and promise your love's like our love
Look me in the heart and un break broken, it won't happen

It's love that leaves that breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
Real happy and healthy, strong and calm
Where does the good go?
Where does the good go?
-teagan and sara

Inside My Head


“You took my hand, we sat down
You told me this was different than before
You told me you would stick around”


I told her she’d be ok. And I told her it wasn’t that bad. I told her that it was better than the alternative. And I told her that it just took time. I told her it was better to be lonely alone than lonely with. And I told her that it had its good days. I told her there were bad too, but the good would outnumber the bad. And I told her that it got easier. I told her she was a different person. And I told her she was stronger. I told her she deserved so much more. And I told her she was better off. I told her she just had to be patient. And I told her that it would happen for her. I told her just this could be enough. And I told her it was enough.

And most days, I believe that. Sometimes, though, sometimes, when I haven’t been sleeping, and my dreams don’t make sense, when I can’t get a song out of my heart, or a face out of my head I’m not so sure. And that is a weakness I’ll never understand in myself.

“But good intentions lie
beneath the sacrifice they take,
behind the guarded look in your eyes”
(t. golden)

Ok. Ok. I’m updating. I should’ve waited until she updated too, but it’s not looking good. C’mon, how many times a week do I click over only to start singing “Last night I had a dream, I dreamed I was in a desert called Cyberland…” you’ve got to do something about that… moving on.

Today I felt like a Nickel Creek failure. That’s right, me, a Nickel Creek failure. Apparently they booked a concert in Evansville, IN that I knew nothing about. It’s not on their site. It’s not on their myspace, it’s not even on pollstar. Only on ticketmaster. You’d think since I work in Ticketmaster every day I’d be accustomed to checking their site for concerts. But no, b/c I don’t ever buy tickets through Ticketmaster due to the raping that occurs from their fees, I go directly to the box office. Regardless, I didn’t know about this one. And wouldn’t have known about this one going on sale today if it wasn’t for a group leader who knows how I feel about Nickel Creek (if you know me, how don’t you know?) calling to ask if I wanted him to pick me up some tickets. He’s a ticket broker, but one of the few that I actually have respect for and like. Anyway, crisis averted. I’ve got tickets and they’re in row B. And they were free. Yeah, free. I just still feel a little failurish.

I haven’t blogged in over a month. Maybe b/c I got in this habit of only blogging things that I felt like were serious. Obviously not that they’re all like that, but you know what I mean. B/c obviously I haven’t felt up to sharing serious things via the blog world lately. January was kind of a rough month for me. New job at my job, one of my best friends moves away, lots of family stuff going on, church stuff, friends hurting and on and on. But I think I’ve realized lately that this is just life. A lot of our lives are going to be spent hurting. Whether it’s something we’re dealing with on our own, or something someone we love is dealing with, things hurt. Funny how things turn out. Anyway, the new job is going well. I’m really enjoying it, although a lot of days I think I’d enjoy Jamie’s (the friend who moved away, who’s job I took) presence more. But it’s good. A nice change. One thing I’ve been struck by so much lately is how much of our healing has to be put on hold sometimes just to be able to deal with every day. And sometimes our life is lived in the midst of the times we feel like we’re on hold. Just a thought.

In a much less important fashion, I decided this week that something was wrong with me. I was in Jo-Ann Fabrics, picking up a couple things for something I was working on when I found myself finding this random guy attractive walking around. The problem with this is that I thought he was attracted merely b/c he looked so comfortable in a Jo-Ann Fabrics store. He was a painter, buying painting materials. It wasn’t that serious. However, I actually wondered what his life was like. Maybe I just need a date. :)

Tonight I’m going to Chicago for the evening to see Ellery. I’m really looking forward to it. There’s really nothing better than a road trip to see good music. And for the record, they make great music. :)

And now, for my favorite comment of the week:
“And you know they’re going to stick it to you, b/c you’re a woman. And it’s the American way.” This was said by my neighbor in reference to the fact that my hood won’t stay closed on my car and I don’t want to take it in and pay to have it fixed. Classic. I have one more, but a certain unnamed friend told me I couldn't quote them due to the lives of the innocent who could be affected. But boy was it a good one.

I love spring tour time. just in the next two months, I've got tickets for Ellery as mentioned above, Nickel Creek also as mentioned above, David Gray and Aqualung, (how good is Life in Slow Motion!?), The Fray (who shot to my top 5 after seeing them with Ben Folds in the fall) and theaforementioned Ben Folds. Yay concerts. I'm just happier when I'm seeing live music. I'm also in the next month going to Atlanta to see Jamie and taking my little sister to see Wicked for her birthday in Cincinnati. Now if it'll just get warm enough to wear flip-flops again, life will be as close to perfect as it can be. Or at least a lot easier to deal with.

So there. An update. Now I don't have to hear about my absence anymore. :)