Thursday, March 31, 2005

Holding my heart out and clutching it too…

"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to where ever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you make Revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried when you were saying it. That's the worst I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear."

I’m not someone who’s really that great at sharing my deepest thoughts. I tend to keep them tucked away hidden, or I just hope they become apparent to the people who know me the best. Whether that’s in the calm of a thunderstorm, or listening to the ocean, or in the crowds of a concert most of my revealing happens when I don’t say a word. Maybe that’s crazy. I wonder how many people the average person meets in their lifetime who really truly desires to know you. The few that I’ve found have surprised me. They’ve been when I least expected it, but when I most needed it. And in these friendships, I’ve found myself wanting to know their faults as much as their strengths. I think our weaknesses tell so much more of who we actually are, than our successes do. So then why, when I’m faced with someone who wants to know what makes me cry as much as what makes me laugh is it so hard for me to understand? It’s rare for me to say the words out loud “I need you.” I think even when that’s what I mean, those aren’t the words I use. Not that it’s not apparent when I’m stockpiling quarters for use in the Pizza King or suddenly color sorting my M&M’s or any of the other things I do rather than just using the words I need you. For the first time in my life I’m actually aware of it though. It’s something that I’ve been praying about a lot. If it’s not only ok, but it’s what we’re supposed to do when it comes to our walk with Christ- what is it with humanity that makes it so difficult? I’m not a needy person, if anything I need things by not needing them. (Which probably makes no sense.) But I’m realizing on those rare occasions when I do need something I'm supposed to actually ask for it. How can I expect other people to read my mind when it’s all I can do to understand half of what I’m thinking, half of the time myself? Since our walk with Christ is dependent upon complete dependence, why do I still struggle every day with guilt over need? I know that some people have been placed in my life to embody Christ in the flesh. Whether that’s to convey something I’m not hearing well enough from Him, as was often the case with Paul in college, or whether it’s simply to be someone who knows me better than I know myself at times being there to simply say you’re fine and don’t give up yet. I guess it’s just compounded a million times and I feel like I’m learning it all over again now that I’m in a relationship. I guess there’s no easy solution. Maybe this will be one of those things that I never quite let go of. Or maybe just maybe actually admitting it is half the battle.

Reasons Why

Where am I today? I wish that I knew
'Cause looking around there's no sign of you
I don't remember one jump or one leap
Just quiet steps away from your lead

I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too
Feeling this short of a love that we once knew
I'm calling this home when it's not even close
Playing the role with nerves left exposed

Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines
Others have excuses, but I have my reasons why

We get distracted by dreams of our own
But nobody's happy while feeling alone
And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall
We lean another ladder against the wrong wall
And climb high to the highest rung, to shake fists at the sky
While others have excuses, I have my reasons why

With so much deception it's hard not to wander away


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