Sunday, March 27, 2005

So i've discovered something about myself. When I'm very tired, I get a little bit needy and a little more insecure than normal. I'm not so much a needy person, so I guess it shouldn't bother me as much as I let it. You'd think that when I'm super tired the best thing for me to do would be to be by myself and that after almost 27 years of being alive I'd recognize this and just go to bed. But instead, I become the opposite. When I'm most tired I end up driving to my mom's house or trying to make plans thinking it'll make me feel better. And how good is that idea really? B/c really my mood isn't great, so if I'm around anyone I just end up making them unhappy or worried that something is really actually wrong with me. This fact has become painfully obvious to me now that I'm in a relationship. It never fails. I get a little bit tired, and somehow there's no way he likes me as much as I like him. Or suddenly he's going to find me boring, and there's no way I'll be what he wants. How in the world have I never noticed this fact about myself before? It's not like I'm new to reacting strange to things. It's not like I don't know myself pretty well. I hate that now that I'm in a relationship, I think he tends to get the brunt of it. He hasn't known me long enough to know that sometimes the way I react to things has nothing to do with how I'm actually feeling. Then again, he tends to surprise me just about every day with the things that he's picked up about me, that I don't think are all that transparent. I wonder how you go about changing something like this about yourself. I wonder why it took a new relationship for me to realize it. I wonder how long it takes for those feelings of insecurity to go away. It's not that I doubt our relationship. B/c everything in me knows this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. And deep down, I know he's feeling what I'm feeling.

Maybe I should just get more sleep.


Blogger Meagan said...

amazing things happen during sleep :-)

does he read this blog?

love meagan

9:58 PM  
Blogger lizbeth said...

meagan, yes he does. :) but it's nothing he hasn't already heard from me anyway....

12:51 PM  

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