Tuesday, January 06, 2004

I sure haven’t done this in a while. I guess I haven’t felt much like writing. Or really spending time thinking enough to want to write. If that makes any sense. It’s funny how we avoid what we probably really need to be thinking about. Or maybe I should say it’s funny how “I”. I try and make it not just my problem, when the truth is- it is my problem. I’ve found myself rather busy lately, and spending next to no time by myself. I do that when I’m avoiding something. Since I’m not quite sure what it is I’m avoiding, I won’t even try to explain it here.

Everything has just been “fine” lately. Nothing out of the ordinary really. Just fine I suppose. A lot of my family has been sick and somehow I’ve avoided it. I’m hoping to avoid it for at least a week longer so I’ll be able to sing in our all praise and worship service next week. I guess I haven’t gotten enough sleep lately to avoid getting sick though, so if I do it’s my own fault.

Been thinking a lot about grad school lately. I’m becoming more restless. I feel something coming, a change somewhere that makes me breathe a little quicker and look around a little more. The weather has been strange as Indiana usually is. I found myself on a walk with a friend at 3:30 in the morning last Friday in 60 degree weather and today the windchill is well past 20 below. I’ve been devouring new music. I’ve got more than I have time to listen to actually which is hard since I’m still stuck on some CD’s that have had more than the average amount of play- Damien Rice is one of those. I’m planning to see him in concert in the next couple of months when he’s in town. I’ve listened to some really good live Jason Mraz as well as gotten hooked on The Lighthouse’s Tale pt. 2. I’m a little more than my usual lonely at this time of year which I think causes the restlessness to grow. I guess I should welcome the loneliness b/c at least it’s not apathy. I’ve had a lot of strange dreams, of friends leaving me behind and I think it’s maybe b/c I sense the same change in them. I went to a bridal show the other day and realized that this upcoming wedding is the first of the last 3 of my really close girlfriends which will all follow in the next 2 or 3 years. I find myself searching for my place and I’m not sure where it is. I know it’s not here, but I’m almost afraid to look to where it might be. I guess I’m just longing for community. I’m blessed with several really amazing relationships, and an amazing family, but they’re quite disjointed in reference to each other. I guess in some ways it was like that at college too. Several different groups that I was close to, but still felt like I had a community to come home to. I guess I feel a bit like a lost puzzle piece right now. I find a place that I fit, on one side, or sometimes even on two, but it’s never a complete fit, something always feels a bit off. Maybe that’s just life. Or maybe that’s just my life.

Home is behind the world ahead
And there are many paths to tread
Through shadow
To the edge of night
Until the stars are all alight

Mist and shadow
Cloud and shade
Hope shall fail
All shall fade.

Steward of Gondor- Return of the King


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