I find I'm so excited I can barely sit still, or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at the start of a long journey who's conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.
~Shawshank Redemption

Tonight I’m heading up to Chicago, to fly out first thing in the morning for Ixtapa,. Which for those of you geographically challenged folks (like me) is located in Zihuatanejo, Mexico. Thus explaining the above quote. If it still doesn’t make sense, then you need to watch more movies.

I'm going to Mexico for a wedding of one of my oldest, closest friends- Craig. It’s funny the emotions I’m feeling today. I’m really excited. I’m having a hard time focusing. But along with that excitement however is a serious dose of nostalgia. I guess I felt this way with Chaddy and Nic’s wedding too, so it shouldn’t be as surprising to me as it’s been. I love Craig, and I’m incredibly happy for he and Brenda. It’s just funny the things that you remember when an old friend is getting married. I remember when I asked Craig to go with me in 5th grade. Somehow K-4 I never had Chad or Craig in my class. So that was the year I learned to tell the difference between them. And obviously the year I developed a crush on Craig. He turned me down, and I still tease him that I’m scarred to this day for that rejection. I just have so many memories with those guys. If I remember correctly, when we went to visit him in Iowa, it was the first- and only time I drank underage. And I remember he and I camping with Joseph’s older brother and his girlfriend at the time. (I’m still not quite sure how that group of 4 ended up camping together…) And I remember Craig and I hanging out one night, and ending up sitting on the bed of his truck in my driveway talking till the sun was coming up the next morning because we’d had so much coffee. I remember the bet, and his loss of the bet. (It's a strange thing to apply makeup to a guy, and I have to say that Craig looks fabulous in a crushed velvet dress…) There are so many things I remember, and when you’ve been close friends with someone, or these someone’s the way I have been with these guys, I could tell stories for days. I love them all, and I’m so incredibly blessed to have them in my life. Even with Craig a thousand miles away, I often think of things that I’d like to tell him. I’m so happy he found someone like Brenda to share his life with. I know that they’re going to be incredibly happy together. It’s just funny sometimes how things turn out.

While on vacation last week I happened upon a little store in this tiny little town somewhere. I cant tell you what the store was even called, but I can tell you that it was exactly where I was supposed to be. I happened upon a huge box of prints by the artist Brian Andreas. He creates what he calls story people. I loved them immediately. Theyre strange images, childlike in nature with quirky little sayings on them. I stood there for the longest time reading them until I happened upon this one.

I felt like at that moment that it’d been written for me. I forget sometimes how true it is. It affected me so much, I proceeded to sit down on the floor and cry. I guess I just needed to be reminded. I’m a happy person. Truly happy. I’m also lonely. There’s a part of me that I so desperately want to share with someone. And I know it’s not time for that yet. I thought it was, not long ago. And to be completely honest, even though I’ve accepted it wasn’t, and I’m ok with that being over, I’m still a little angry with God over it. You pray for something for so long, and then you think He answers you, only to find it’s another object lesson. Sometimes I get tired of object lessons. Right now, I’m really tired of object lessons.

But if I close my eyes really tight I remember a long time ago. I remember what it felt like to love someone, and for him to love me. And I can wait on that. I can also remember that He gave me the stars and the ocean and the grass at my feet. And that’s enough for now. Maybe it’s enough for always. Who knows.

I hesitate to even write about this on my blog sometimes. B/c I am not discontent just lonely. There is a big difference between the two that most people just don’t understand. And it’s something I just don’t think I can explain. Sometimes I’m tired of being around people that I have to use the statement “This won’t make sense but…” when referencing how I feel. But oh how I treasure those few that I don’t have to use those words with. I had a conversation the other day with one of my very best friends. In the middle of the day, as we were both supposed to be working, we were sitting around talking about the people in our lives, and how rare it is to find someone who just really gets you. Sometimes I feel so foreign to my life. I guess it’s just b/c of the big difference between really knowing me and even beginning to get me. And most people are on the knowing side, if they get that far. It’s something that at one point in my life I probably would’ve tried to teach someone, but the older I get, the more precious it is to me when I meet someone who just gets it from day one. Who I don’t have to try to explain myself to, b/c truth is, they’ve felt it and thought it themselves. Whether that’s with someone who’s known me just over a year, or 7, it gives me peace when I’m with them. I open my mouth and I tell them things that I have yet to admit even in my head. Or sometimes they tell me exactly what I’m feeling b/c they know it just hurts too much to give it my own words. How I love those friends. They are as much my family as the ones I’m related to. They to me are a little glimpse of God here on earth. And since I have them, I can handle lonely. They’re lonely too I know. And I know that when the day comes when I’m not lonely anymore, they’re going to be right beside me listening to me admit the things I haven’t admitted in my head, and telling me the things that I’m afraid to give my own words to. And when the day comes that they’re not lonely anymore, I’ll be the first one in line to smile with them, and cry with them, and just get it.

"They know how to live
Oh, so much sorrow and so much love to give."
~a. lee

And in review:

“Candy doesn’t have to have a point, that’s why it’s candy.”

At the request of a certain friend, who shall remain nameless, ahem, ty, I thought I’d share my thoughts on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I have to say that I was so excited to see just how different it was from the original. B/c if you know me, you know I LOVE the original. But with the two being so completely different, I don’t have to choose which one I think is better. I can say that the original is much darker and Gene Wilder makes a much creepier Willy Wonka than Johnny Depp. You can’t argue with that even if you just use the scene in the boat as an example- “There’s no earthly way of knowing which direction we are going …” Gene is flat out creepy Which is part of why I love it. Another reason I loved the original was because of the music. I loved the songs. (My personal favorite being good ‘ol Veruca and ‘I Want It Now’.) And while the new version is not a musical, Danny Elfman did a fantastic job on the music- from the quirky, “willy wonka, willy wonka, the amazing chocolatier…” to the songs the Oompa Loompas sang. However, the credit of those falls directly to Roald Dahl b/c the lyrics were taken directly from the book. I forgot how entertaining I thought they were when I read the book, and put to music made them even better. I mean, who writes lyrics like “Augustus Gloop, Augustus Gloop, The great big greedy nincompoop!”? J I have to say that I honestly hated the children more in this one than the first, and Charlie was absolutely perfect. (Even as a true fan to the first one, you have to admit ‘ol Charlie was a little bit honely….) I loved that Johnny Depp stayed true to Willy Wonka with his odd banter. That was part of why I think the first one is so great, and I honestly think it’s even funnier in this one. I laughed through the entire movie. Mumbler! It’s just funny. The trained squirrels were fantastic, and I really loved seeing the kids all walk out of the theatre after they’d lost. I even have to say that I found great humor in the doll burn unit. (although I had to turn my head a little when their heads started melting in the beginning.) Overall, the movie is really really great. I wasn’t disappointed in the least, and will probably be seeing it again at the theatre before it leaves. I love that it was so much truer to the book, and I thought cinematically it was incredibly well done. It’s definitely earned it’s spot up there in my favorite movies, right next to the original.

Moving on….

“We had a fight on the promenade out in the rain…”

Friday night I saw The Killers and it was an AWESOME show. I’m a huge fan of their album Hot Fuss, but you never know just how well albums will come across live. They can make pretty much anyone sound good in the studio with enough effects. I was really excited to see not only is his voice as good as it was on the album, it was actually better. The band was incredibly cohesive, and for some reason Brandon Flowers has this stage energy that keeps you completely captivated. I know that sounds ridiculous… but it’s true. I can’t say I’ve seen that often. When I have (numerous times with Nickel Creek in particular), it’s always folkish type sounding groups as opposed to anything more electric or synthesized. Point I’m trying to make is simply that the show was fantastic. It was only an hour, but it was one REALLY GOOD hour. And guaranteed that I’m going to be a fan of The Killers for a long while.

Been listening to some different stuff lately. (Other than the recent constant play of the new Nickel Creek album and The Killers) I picked up an album by a guy named Amos Lee and it’s really great. Incredibly relaxing and it makes me want to sit on a deck, drink wine, and listen to it up as loud as it’ll go. So check it out. I’ve also been listening to a little Cure, in particular the Acoustic Hits album, as well as some Bright Eyes- I’m Wide Awake It’s Morning. Hard to top “First Day of My Life”. Anyway, check them all out. And feel free to suggest something else you’ve been listening to. I’m all about the new music.

So vacation is over. I read thousands of pages, and spent hours on the hammock. I floated on a raft with the mountains behind me, and saw some incredibly beautiful waterfalls. I listened to a lot of music. Nickel Creek's new album of course the highlight there, as well as some Marc Broussard since I couldn't get him out of my head after the concert. I did some shopping, and came home with a print of a painting that I felt like was made just for me. And I bought some buttons. Why? B/c I was on vacation. I learned to knit, and heard my Grandma say piddle more times that I can count. Did I mention she's afraid of heights and we were in the middle of the mountains? That made for some interesting car rides. I took naps on my bed that overlooked the lake and the mountains outside, and I rocked in a chair while the rain made noise above me. I tried for a while to just not think. And I think now for the most part I succeeded.

How's that for happy Mo?

Carefully masked

She took the mask off and for the first time I saw what she was really like. He took the mask off and I realized I wasn’t a little kid anymore. They took their masks off and I knew that I didn’t want to be like them. He took his mask off and it made me sad. He took his mask off and the tears I cried were as much for him as they were for me. They took their masks off and I was changed. She took her mask off and I prayed for her. He took his mask off and I lost my breath at his beauty. He took his mask off and I realized I was lost. She took her mask off and I realized I was found. She took her mask off and I realized she was human too. He took his mask off and I had to say goodbye. He took his mask off and it broke my heart. She took her mask off and revealed another mask. He took his mask off and I wasn’t ready for it. He took his mask off and I wanted to be a kid again. They took their masks off and I knew I’d never be the same again.

Sometimes I take off my mask and I wish I could put it back on. Sometimes I take my mask off too early. Sometimes I take my mask off too late. Sometimes I take my mask off and no one notices. Sometimes I take my mask off and it doesn’t make a bit of difference. Sometimes I take my mask off when I say goodbye. Sometimes I take my mask off when I say hello. Sometimes the mask makes things easier. Sometimes my mask makes things just that much harder. Sometimes I take my mask off and they just close their eyes. Sometimes I realize the mask was in my hands the whole time. Sometimes I realize my mask isn’t enough to protect me. Sometimes without my mask I feel bold. Sometimes without my mask I feel naked. Sometimes when people don’t understand my mask, I know they won’t understand my face. Some people only see my face once. Some people see it all the time. Sometimes the mask sticks longer than I had hoped. Sometimes it falls off without me touching it. Some people think masks are what life is about. Some people have never seen my mask. Some people have never seen my face. Some people can’t tell the difference anyway.

I just wish masks didn’t matter.

Or at least matter to me.

I didn't hear you say you're sorry
Fault must be mine
I wish you all the best of luck in finding
Somebody more like you
~Nickel Creek

I’m been having a hard time with words these days. Maybe everyone does at one point or another. But I’m used to being able to at least sit down and write and say what I’m feeling. Lately, I haven’t even been able to do that. I got out of a relationship about 2 months ago. Even though it wasn’t a long relationship that I was in to begin with, I had a really hard time dealing with the ending. I guess length of time and depth of feelings don’t always coincide. I haven’t written in my journal since we broke up. My journal which tends to be one of my biggest releases, and I haven’t been able to write a word. I guess I just haven’t known what to say. Part of me thinks maybe I should just get a new journal and start over. For some reason, putting the words that I’m feeling beside what I was feeling there just doesn’t seem to work. I can’t write that something didn’t work out, when on the page before I was praying for this person to be my husband. Maybe I just have a hard time being wrong when it comes to things that I’m feeling. I’m not someone who has a hard time admitting to being wrong most of the time, but for some reason this time it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I’m not sure why I can talk about it now, maybe b/c I think that this week I somehow found some peace. And I think it helps b/c I see that he’s found peace with it too. Who knows. I guess I’ve got to start writing somewhere.

My oldest, closest friend is going through something I pray no one else I know ever has to experience. And as ludicrous as it sounds- I don’t think I’ve ever seen him more beautiful. I don’t know what it is about brokenness that is so incredibly overwhelming. I will say that I hope and pray I never ever ever have to see him that broken again. It breaks my heart to witness that in anyone, much less someone that I love so much. I was thinking about the situation and a quote came to mind from the new Batman movie. “People need dramatic examples to shake them out of apathy.” And while the magnitude of that lies so much more on the one responsible than my friend, I think it affects everyone who loves him on some level. Why does humanity have to be so incredibly fallible? I know there’s no real answer to that. The only thing I can do is to keep on loving him, and pray that he’ll find some peace.

Otherwise things my way are good. I got promoted at work. I think I have a second job that I’m going to start after vacation, and I’m going on said vacation a week from today. I got an ipod from the aforeblogged fashion show fiasco and have close to 3000 songs on it, meaning I could listen to music for 8 days, all different songs. (Or at least different versions of songs- since I’ve got an awful lot of Nickel Creek on there.) Speaking of Nickel Creek, they have a new album that comes out in August which I discovered Monday I could pre-order from Amazon.com and have streaming access to the album now. (Above artwork noted) That I must say is a lot like having your best friend move back to town a month earlier than you’d planned on. I can honestly say that I think this album is the best of theirs so far, and has the STRONG potential to become my favorite album of all time. Very bold statement there, I know. By enlisting the help of one of my more technically-inclined acquaintances, I was able to record from the streaming access so that I could put it on my ipod right now. Yes, dear reader, I do know that this is cheating the system a bit- however I already paid for the album and it’s not like I’m duplicating it for the world or anything. I do have to say as incredibly ridiculous as it sounds to people who don’t understand me well, this album has been a big part of what’s brought me peace this week. Along with a present I was given on Monday that I’m pretty sure the giver didn’t even know he was giving. So all of these things along with the new Harry Potter book and new Charlie and the chocolate Factory movie coming out in 2 weeks, and a couple of upcoming concerts- Mark Broussard & The Killers- have made me really happy. I’m finally feeling back to normal. Or at least as normal as someone like me can ever be.

(Edit)
I have to add this b/c it explains how I've been feeling about the new Nickel Creek album I've listened to all week long. It's funny how you fall asleep singing a song in your head, and wake up singing yet another all from the same album. But it's not just so much singing, there's something about this album that completely resonates within me and hits on all of the emotions I've been feeling lately. Anyway, I got an email update today from honestly one of my favorite people. (And favorite musicians- you should totally buy her and her husbands albums.) Anyway, while we're not that close of friends, I sometimes think to myself that's only b/c we don't live in the same city. She has a way of putting into words in somehow a much more beautiful way- the things that think sometimes. B/c it touched me, and completely explains how I feel about the NC album, I'm going to quote her here. (Hope you don't mind Tasha).

"So I'm working on rediscovering my love of music. It's been a long time since I just sat down and let a song soak in. I have this crazy nervousness that I should be doing something else.

But beauty and productivity are not (always) synonyms. Maybe that's what I've never really learned.

I've forgotten how music has a kind of seeping quality sometimes; the way it drips into your marrow and bone without any discernible reason. Which is a brilliant and wonderful thing, not to be trivialized with explanation, not to be made into some kind of lesson, not to be shrugged off because it's not "productive".

Some things just are. Some moments just are. Some music just is. Beautiful."
~Tasha Golden (Ellery)