Friday, July 01, 2005

I didn't hear you say you're sorry
Fault must be mine
I wish you all the best of luck in finding
Somebody more like you
~Nickel Creek

I’m been having a hard time with words these days. Maybe everyone does at one point or another. But I’m used to being able to at least sit down and write and say what I’m feeling. Lately, I haven’t even been able to do that. I got out of a relationship about 2 months ago. Even though it wasn’t a long relationship that I was in to begin with, I had a really hard time dealing with the ending. I guess length of time and depth of feelings don’t always coincide. I haven’t written in my journal since we broke up. My journal which tends to be one of my biggest releases, and I haven’t been able to write a word. I guess I just haven’t known what to say. Part of me thinks maybe I should just get a new journal and start over. For some reason, putting the words that I’m feeling beside what I was feeling there just doesn’t seem to work. I can’t write that something didn’t work out, when on the page before I was praying for this person to be my husband. Maybe I just have a hard time being wrong when it comes to things that I’m feeling. I’m not someone who has a hard time admitting to being wrong most of the time, but for some reason this time it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I’m not sure why I can talk about it now, maybe b/c I think that this week I somehow found some peace. And I think it helps b/c I see that he’s found peace with it too. Who knows. I guess I’ve got to start writing somewhere.

My oldest, closest friend is going through something I pray no one else I know ever has to experience. And as ludicrous as it sounds- I don’t think I’ve ever seen him more beautiful. I don’t know what it is about brokenness that is so incredibly overwhelming. I will say that I hope and pray I never ever ever have to see him that broken again. It breaks my heart to witness that in anyone, much less someone that I love so much. I was thinking about the situation and a quote came to mind from the new Batman movie. “People need dramatic examples to shake them out of apathy.” And while the magnitude of that lies so much more on the one responsible than my friend, I think it affects everyone who loves him on some level. Why does humanity have to be so incredibly fallible? I know there’s no real answer to that. The only thing I can do is to keep on loving him, and pray that he’ll find some peace.

Otherwise things my way are good. I got promoted at work. I think I have a second job that I’m going to start after vacation, and I’m going on said vacation a week from today. I got an ipod from the aforeblogged fashion show fiasco and have close to 3000 songs on it, meaning I could listen to music for 8 days, all different songs. (Or at least different versions of songs- since I’ve got an awful lot of Nickel Creek on there.) Speaking of Nickel Creek, they have a new album that comes out in August which I discovered Monday I could pre-order from and have streaming access to the album now. (Above artwork noted) That I must say is a lot like having your best friend move back to town a month earlier than you’d planned on. I can honestly say that I think this album is the best of theirs so far, and has the STRONG potential to become my favorite album of all time. Very bold statement there, I know. By enlisting the help of one of my more technically-inclined acquaintances, I was able to record from the streaming access so that I could put it on my ipod right now. Yes, dear reader, I do know that this is cheating the system a bit- however I already paid for the album and it’s not like I’m duplicating it for the world or anything. I do have to say as incredibly ridiculous as it sounds to people who don’t understand me well, this album has been a big part of what’s brought me peace this week. Along with a present I was given on Monday that I’m pretty sure the giver didn’t even know he was giving. So all of these things along with the new Harry Potter book and new Charlie and the chocolate Factory movie coming out in 2 weeks, and a couple of upcoming concerts- Mark Broussard & The Killers- have made me really happy. I’m finally feeling back to normal. Or at least as normal as someone like me can ever be.

I have to add this b/c it explains how I've been feeling about the new Nickel Creek album I've listened to all week long. It's funny how you fall asleep singing a song in your head, and wake up singing yet another all from the same album. But it's not just so much singing, there's something about this album that completely resonates within me and hits on all of the emotions I've been feeling lately. Anyway, I got an email update today from honestly one of my favorite people. (And favorite musicians- you should totally buy her and her husbands albums.) Anyway, while we're not that close of friends, I sometimes think to myself that's only b/c we don't live in the same city. She has a way of putting into words in somehow a much more beautiful way- the things that think sometimes. B/c it touched me, and completely explains how I feel about the NC album, I'm going to quote her here. (Hope you don't mind Tasha).

"So I'm working on rediscovering my love of music. It's been a long time since I just sat down and let a song soak in. I have this crazy nervousness that I should be doing something else.

But beauty and productivity are not (always) synonyms. Maybe that's what I've never really learned.

I've forgotten how music has a kind of seeping quality sometimes; the way it drips into your marrow and bone without any discernible reason. Which is a brilliant and wonderful thing, not to be trivialized with explanation, not to be made into some kind of lesson, not to be shrugged off because it's not "productive".

Some things just are. Some moments just are. Some music just is. Beautiful."
~Tasha Golden (Ellery)


Blogger ty said...

i love you, lizzy! :)

you could always move to cincy, be closer to all the cool people (well, starting in october "ALL"). but then you'll have to do something about that warrant for your arrest... ha

9:34 PM  

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