Monday, November 24, 2003

From a recent email- where I am today…

When I flew into Vegas I realized that these were mountains I’d never seen before, and I felt like somehow I was cheating myself. Not that I want to move to Vegas, but the idea of a different view, seeing the mountain peaks above the tops of buildings, and realizing this was a city in the middle of the desert, and realizing that I’ve never seen anything. I’ve never experienced groups of people outside of my little bubble of existence, and that makes me sad. And wondering where do you go when there’s so much to see, what do you look for when you don’t know what’s missing. So I bundle my coat up a little tighter, and look a little more to the ground, and I don’t look around for what’s out there. B/c it’s scary, and I don’t know how far it’ll take me, and maybe I’m not as strong as I think I am, or maybe I’ve found comfort in being comfortable, and when do you cross that fine line into complacency, what if God is waiting to show me incredible things, that if I just allow him to move me, would change the way I even breathe. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am. And I wonder what anyone else sees in me that makes them come back. B/c I’m just a mixed up jumble of fears. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of change, fear of things staying the same, fear of being alone, fear of being with someone. And I mask it, with a smile, and a laugh, and a joke, pretending that I know what I’m doing, pretending that I know who I am, pretending that I have a clue what God wants for me. And in all actuality, I just feel lost

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you
a. morissette


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