Not how either of us wanted it to be...

Most of you that read this, or probably all of you that read this know me. So for the most part most of you know about my life outside of the randomness that I decide to share here. But I haven’t done a very good job of sharing on here lately. I’m not sure what happened, or what changed but suddenly I felt like I was sharing too much or I didn’t know how people would react if they read something that until revealing it here, was a thought that I’d kept in my head. I’m feeling convicted however that I’ve stopped sharing the real stuff going on in my life and started sharing the tiny bits of stuff that seem to fill my time. It’s like one of those mosaic puzzles, where all the pictures make one giant picture. And lately I’ve just given you the occasional picture and not been honest about the whole puzzle. I want to be honest though. I want to be able to share whatever it is I’m feeling and I’m thinking. So I’m going to work on that. Starting today.

I just got out of a relationship last week. It was a relationship that I’ve been in for over a year now. Maybe some of you didn’t even know that I was involved with someone. I didn’t do a very good job communicating about it, b/c truthfully for a good part of that relationship I just didn’t know if it was going to work out. I wanted it to. So badly. Because he was great and because he loved me more than I think I’ve ever been loved and because I’m almost 30 and because I wanted to love someone back. Do you ever feel like there’s this part of you that’s just sitting there waiting for someone to share it with? I had that with him. I wanted to share me with him. And don’t get me wrong, I did. But there was something missing. Maybe it’s just where we are in life, maybe it’s just us but regardless there was something missing. Not all the time. I went through periods of time that I thought, this is what loving feels like. This is what it looks like. And this is what I want. But then other times, other times it was hard. And it taught me in those times too that this is what loving feels like and this is what it looks like. And that to stay in love, you have to want it. But in the end, it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. He wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough. And there were parts of myself I lost somewhere in there too. I don’t regret a moment of it. I don’t regret what I learned from it and most of all I don’t regret loving him. But right now, I feel a bit like I just came into the bright sunshine after being in the dark for a long time, and it’s so bright it hurts. I guess it’s supposed to.

So, it’s a new day. I miss him more today than I did yesterday. And tomorrow will probably be worse. Hopefully one of these mornings though, I’ll wake up and it’ll feel a little bit better. Until then, I’ll just try to keep my eyes open, and experience all over again just how warm the sun feels on my face.


Wake Up, Dear
-T. Golden

I woke to what was safer late at night
with the lights dim
Illuminated, it’s staring me down
Now I’m not any braver than I’ve ever been,
and you’ve never been
One to let me feel like I could never let you down
Was I just too quiet all those moments I could feel it
Weighing on our frail and aging dreams?
Thought I was supposed to fight it, maybe wait it out, shake my doubts
But that’s not how either of us wanted it to be

Wake up, Dear
It’s colder inside than
Your faith or my fear
can shoulder this time

It got cast aside like all the letters
I keep telling you I’ll write
when things slow down, but what does that mean
That I’ll start living life when I can make it fit,
maybe I'll start caring for you sometime in between?

Wake up, Dear
It’s colder inside than
Your faith or my fear
can shoulder this time

Go ahead, I’m listening
Got an ear for disappointment
I can hear it on my breath
it’s the same, same story
I can hear it in your sweet sigh

Wake up, Dear
It’s colder inside than
Your faith or my fear
can shoulder this time