Thursday, November 11, 2004

For now...

I met someone last night, and it’s left me feeling a little more introspective today. For those of you who know me, no I didn’t MEET someone, I just met someone, but for some reason it really messed with my head. I’m not the type of girl to meet someone and immediately be interested. In fact, I’m more of the type to think of someone as a possibility and then spend every moment I talk to them trying to rule them out. I look for warning flags as to why I couldn’t be interested before I ever look for flags as to why I should. I guess that’s a self-protection sort of habit I have. I don’t fall in love or out of love easily, and after a couple of rough relationships, I pretty much swore off dating all together. Not in that martyrish- “I’m going to be single for absolute ever.” But more in that, “God, I don’t want to do this again, so unless I need to learn something from someone, protect me from relationships that won’t lead to marriage.” Therefore, I’ve found myself really single for going on 5 years now. That’s not to say that the absolute next relationship I get in will be it. I’d like to think I’m a little more level headed than that. But I do think that it’s also a very real possibility. There have been several times over the last 4-5 years when I’ve wished I could take that prayer back. Not so much wished to take it back that I actually did pray that God wouldn’t honor that prayer. But in those moments when I’m going home by myself on another holiday, or another Friday night passes when I spend my time either out at my mom’s house or with any of the marrieds I find myself a little wistful and a little too nostalgic. Maybe I’ve blogged about this before, but I hate to be lonely more than anything else. Not b/c the lonely is so bad, but more so b/c I feel like it’s a selfish emotion that I shouldn’t experience in a life that’s so full. I find myself lonely, and then immediately angry with myself for feeling that way again. At times I have wondered if maybe I’m a bit too picky. I mean am I asking too much in that I want a guy who’s passionate about God, and music, that makes me laugh and dresses their personality? That’s essentially all that it comes down to. I don’t know. I just know that for the first time in a really long time, last night I felt something. I really felt something. And it was strange. There’s no feeling that causes more insecurity in me than instant attraction with someone I’ve hardly spoken with. Oh who am I kidding, there’s no feeling that causes more insecurity in me than attraction period. It has nothing to do with whether I’ve just met the person or known them my whole life. I wonder why that is. For the most part, I consider myself to be a pretty secure person. There are some things that I’m insecure about myself, but they are things that I can and am working to fix. They’re typically not anything to do with who I am as a person. However when it comes to attraction, and meeting someone, I suddenly feel completely unworthy and self-conscious in about every way possible. It’s ridiculous. I hate that I’m that incredibly bad with being vulnerable and I wonder if that’s something that I’ll continue to struggle with. I guess by now I’d hoped I’d just grow out of it. Unfortunately, that’s not seeming to be at all the case. I’d like to think that once I get over the insecurities that I do have, being vulnerable will become easier. But really, I don’t think that’s the case at all. Sometimes I think it’ll just take falling in love again, and realizing that things don’t always end in such a negative way. People don’t always just fall out of love or choose a different lifestyle. But will that make any difference either? I don’t know. All I know today is that I met someone. And felt something. And maybe that should be enough.

For now.

All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, I feel it say...

Nothing’s so cold
As closing the heart when all we need
Is to free the soul
But we wouldn’t be that brave I know
And the air outside so soft, confessing everything

And it won’t matter now
Whatever happens to me
Though the air speaks of all we’ll never be
It won’t trouble me


Blogger ty said...

oh girl! and you said nothing thursday morning? oh well, you were at work... :)

what a fun and stressful feeling. i remember that feeling well, and i love it when i look at josh and can still remember it.

i want to hear about this person more sometime. maybe he'll be your "leo". :) but not a jackass like leo ended up being.

10:08 PM  

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