Be what you want to be
I’ve been trying to do some much needed cleaning out because I’m getting ready to move. It’s really amazing how much stuff I can pack into approximately 25 square feet of living space. (really, it’s that small. You should see it. I’ve seen bigger closets). Anyway, nothing new here, I’m not good at throwing things away. Whether that’s clothes, shoes, cards or letters, I just don’t throw things away. In fact my mom told my sister that she wanted them to just show up as I was leaving for work one day and clean out my clothes without me. She said if I asked about one shirt in the next two years she’d gotten rid of, she’d consider it a success. Super. I’m really working on it though, and not just with what I own. But with who I am. I’m going to say something that is going to come across probably really selfish, but I’m not sure how else to put it. I think for a long time I’ve just been ignoring myself. I live in this body and this world and I go through the motions and soon all the days run into each other and I wonder what it was about the day before and the month before that, that I’ve allowed to make me numb to what’s going on around me. And I realized I hadn’t been paying attention. I think I had become this person that I hardly recognized. I knew I was still in there somewhere, but I had covered it up with distractions and stress and unhealthy relationships and weight and fear and frustration. And I saw it all, all of a sudden. I looked at a picture taken right after Christmas and I didn’t recognize myself anymore. It wasn’t just about the weight, it was about the girl inside. And I didn’t like it. And I realized that no one but me can change this. I’m the only person responsible here. So I’ve started doing something about it. And slowly I see myself coming back. I’m trying to love my weaknesses as much as I love my strengths. But it’s such a difficult process. I have to clean everything out and start over. And I realized as I was cleaning out things at home, that I’m the same way inside. I came across some old letters, and not the ones that you want to keep. The ones that really sucked to read the first time. The ones that point out your faults and your failures. And these are from years and years ago but I’m not at all sure why I decided to keep them. I realized something when I picked them back up though. I do the same thing in my heart everyday. I don’t let things go. I don’t forgive myself. I don’t let go of my failures. And when I saw the picture in December, I could see that in myself. And I didn’t even recognize that girl. I had become this muted version of myself that was slowly disappearing the bigger I got. I don’t talk about my weight on this blog. As much as I’ve talked about everything else, and tried to never have a censor, I stopped just short of the weight talk every time. Because if I talked about it here, even to the three readers I have, it would be admitting it was a problem. And I saw that every day. When I got up, when I looked in the mirror, when I went to work, when I came home, when I went to bed. The more I held on to my failures and my weaknesses, the heavier I became. Why would I even bother telling you something you obviously already see? But the truth is, it wasn’t just weight. It was years of never really looking at myself. Never looking at who I want to be. Never looking at where I want to go. Years of reminding myself of the ways I’ve failed, the relationships I’ve ended, the people that I have hurt. And the truth is, I was only hurting myself in this. The things I still allowed myself to feel guilty for, were forgiven a long time ago. So this year so far has really been about just that, me cleaning out my life, for lack of a better metaphor. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, all the things that I’ve been ignoring for a long time. And while it’s only about 4 months in, I can already see the differences. In how I love and how I breathe. In how I laugh and how I feel. And for the first time in a long time, when I look in the mirror I see myself.
I can’t really say why everybody wishes
But in the end the only steps that matter
And you and me, walk on, walk on, walk on
Cause you can’t go back now.