sometimes amazed

sometimes I’m amazed at how beautiful people are. sometimes I’m amazed at how God provides. sometimes I’m amazed at the depth of our brokenness. sometimes I’m amazed at his strength. sometimes I’m amazed he’s still around. sometimes I’m amazed she never stops getting me. sometimes I’m amazed at how someone can turn their back on God so easily. sometimes I’m amazed at how it feels to be alone when surrounded by people. sometimes I’m amazed He hasn’t given up on me. sometimes I’m amazed I haven’t given up on me. sometimes I’m amazed at how much goodbye hurts. sometimes I’m amazed at how much the right decision can haunt. sometimes I’m amazed at where I am. sometimes I’m amazed at how He gets my attention. sometimes I’m amazed at my ability to love. sometimes I’m amazed at how much I’m loved. sometimes I’m amazed at how much better laughing makes me feel. sometimes I’m amazed at the depth of his gratitude. sometimes I’m amazed at how blessed I am. sometimes I’m amazed I was so wrong about her. sometimes I’m amazed I was so wrong about him. sometimes I’m amazed at His creation. sometimes I’m amazed at how He lets us hurt, just so that we can love more. sometimes I’m amazed at how much deeper I breathe simply by having her near. sometimes I’m amazed at how much I hurt simply b/c he does. sometimes I’m amazed at how much I feel simply b/c she does.

and always, always, I’m amazed by Him.

he is coming to set things right. he is coming to set things straight. he is coming and this is tremendously hard to take in, but our hearts swell and this tide of hope grows and after all of this, after this brokenness, after these tears, after this fury, after this tearing that is life...finally, finally...we will lift up our heads...finally...and the clouds will break...and finally...he who is all light and healing... finally... finally... majesty. here. (d.c.)


(Fix You- Coldplay)

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Scattered thoughts and clipped conversations of brokenness

“I’m sorry. My feelings have changed. But I’ll stay with you tonight. And if you wake up, and you start to cry, wake me and I’ll hold you till I go back to sleep. I’m so sorry.”

“Some of my absolute best memories with her, are of me laying in bed and just watching her sleep. For hours. And now, all of that is gone.”

“How is it possible to look at someone and see the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen, and the most horrible ugly person you’ve ever seen at the same time?”

She just looked at me and said, “How? How can I raise his daughter without a father? I’m too young. This isn’t fair.” And I thought, I took that away from someone else. And I can’t ever let that go.

“I just want to be numb. I just want my heart to be calloused. I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. My body can’t handle one more day of this pain. I seriously think I will die.”

“Isn’t it strange how when you hurt like that, you just wish you could have some horrible physical pain, for even just a moment to take away that ache that you can’t begin to touch, down deep in your chest?”

“Can I just for one day trade places with someone who doesn’t feel anything this deeply?”

I look up at her at the very tiptop of the stairs and all she says is “I’ve had you on my heart all night. Are you ok?” And the tears come.

“Listen to me. I’m so afraid that you don’t want to let go, because you think this is your only chance. This is NOT your only chance.”

“I looked at her, and I said- ‘Why do you love me? Why have you stayed with me this long?’ And she couldn’t answer it. All she could say were things I could open up my high school yearbook and read written by my classmates. 14 years and she can’t tell me anything?!”

“How could I have been soo wrong over what he was really like? How did I miss this?”

“People don’t fall out of love over imperfection. People fall more in love with someone because of those. Imperfections make people more beautiful when you love them. They don’t cause you to fall out of love. You could never change to be enough for her when she’s not enough for herself.”

Be my friend. Hold me.
Wrap me up. Unfold me.
I am small, and needy.
Warm me up.
And breath me.
~sia