Thursday, April 29, 2004

Star, Star

I have a lot of dreams where I’m driving and out of control. Typically it’s one of those things where I’m pushing down as hard as I can on the brakes, but I still can’t stop. Sometimes I’m driving really fast, sometimes, it’s just me barely coasting but still getting ready to run into things. While I’m not someone who studies all the dream interpretation stuff, I think there are times that our dreams, especially when repeated are a good indication of something subconscious going on in our lives. I’ve thought a lot about the out of control driving dream, b/c honestly it’s one of the few that I remember having, and the fact that it’s repeated quite regularly seems hardly a coincidence.

I had the same dream night before last. It was in a different place, and the people around me were different, but it was still the same out of control feeling until the very end. And that’s what’s strange- Instead of crashing like I normally do, I was able to get my car stopped. After spinning in circles, I actually brought my car to a stop and got out. I don’t think I’ve ever remembered getting out of the car before. Usually I wake up with that sick feeling that I’ve just hit something or I just couldn’t stop and knew I was going to hit something. But for once it was different.

What’s even stranger is that I was offered a new job on Tuesday. The last few months I’ve been so incredibly restless. I wondered if I should go back to school, or if I was supposed to move away. I just didn’t know if the Midwest was right for me anymore. I just kept thinking, if it is right, then I’ve got to have a release. I’ve got to find an outlet, the life I’m living right now is doing nothing to stretch me. It’s not making me think. It’s not making me feel. It’s making me numb. I want to be around people who are passionate, and who love life, who are artistic and just different. I’d actually begun wondering if it was just me. Maybe I’d always feel different, and while I think in some ways that’s true, I think this new job is actually the first step towards doing something that is what I’m called to do. Or maybe what I’m called to do today.

So Starting May 12, I’ll be working for Broadway in Indianapolis. It’s primarily a ticketing position, but I’ll be working in a lot of the financials for the shows coming to Indy for the Broadway series, as well as spending weekends in Columbus, Cincy and Louisville when they’re having big shows and need help. In addition, we go to all the art shows and outdoor festivals and set up a tent just to advertise next year’s series. And we also are planning to go to 10-12 concerts this summer to just get the word out about what’s coming next year. Did I mention that I get to go to any show for free, and take friends with me? And the fact that they’re actually PAYING me for this job, seems insane. I get to do what I love. Talk about theatre and music, to other people who love theatre and music while spending time around other artists, actors & musicians. I’m taking a position that I think will only be the beginning of the type of job I could see myself in for the rest of my life.

One time, in the job I was in before this one, I found a puzzle piece on the sidewalk outside when I was on my way in. It’s possible that I’ve even written about this before, but it comes to mind often. It was a small brown puzzle piece. The picture was obviously worn off, so I had no idea what it came from. But I realized that piece of the puzzle was my life then. I had this job that I knew wasn’t me, but it was getting me somewhere. It was connecting me to whatever is next. Just b/c I couldn’t see the picture didn’t make it any less important than what was to come next. And here, I’ve picked up the next piece of the puzzle. And starting June 12, I’m going to see what it’s connected to. And I thank God for that.

Star star teach me how to shine shine
Teach me so I know what's going on in your mind
'Cause I don't understand these people
Who say the hill's to steep
Well they talk and talk forever
But they just never climb

-The Frames


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