Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Blasted spoilers…

This weekend I went to visit my dear Pretty, one of my bestest of friends. (yes, I know bestest isn’t a word. Lay off.) We typically find some really random obscure craft to keep us busy or at least moderately entertained. This weekend it was the making of homemade t-shirts by taking random images off the internet that we’re absolutely positive no one has put onto a shirt before… Case in point: Jason now owns a shirt with a picture of Parker Posey in her fantastic pink dress suit complete with pillbox hat from The House of Yes. I now own (or will as soon as the iron-on is applied) a nice shirt with the movie poster from the timeless classic “Over the Top”. Yes I just used the words timeless classic and Over the Top in the same sentence. As the writer I have certain liberties I can extend as far as I’d like. Granted, I don’t know that this iron-on really fits any surface better than a nice wife beater. So we’ll see how it turns out… As I digress… back to my subject- spoilers.

We decided that we’d make ourselves some nice Twin Peaks t-shirts. So there I sit looking up some nice images of Agent Cooper, many of which are definitely t-shirt quality when I spot it. That’s right. The last scene in the entire series. I’ve been watching this show for months now. We should’ve been finished with the viewing months ago I know, but that’s beside the point. I’d seen 24 of the 29 episodes. That’s right, a mere 200 minutes shy of the ending when I stumble across this spoiler. Don’t worry, for those of you who haven’t seen it and plan to at some point in your life, I’m not going to tell you what the image was of. And I know that I still don’t know how it gets to that point. And truly, it’s not as if I expected a happy ending. This is David Lynch we’re talking about here. But for Heaven’s sake, did I have to stumble across it NOW? So I’ll just say, it’s with a heavy heart that I’ll be completing my viewing of Twin Peaks. I’ll just wear my Agent Dale Cooper shirt with pride and know that I was close. I was real close.

I had hoped to leave a little of life behind for my mini-vacation this weekend. What I found was that it followed with me, and hung over me like a heavy cloud hanging so low it nearly brushes my face. I avoid the feeling as much as I can. I try not to entertain the notion that something is just not right, but I can’t seem to get away. It manifests itself in my sleep and in my wandering mind. The weather was beautiful. The kind of spring warm that makes you breathe deeper and wish you never had to go inside. But it left a nagging feeling of something. Something missing, something more, something hurting, something lost. I fear sometimes I’m losing my childhood. When did I become someone who can’t seem to shake the crap of everyday life and just be? I don’t like it. I want to go back to the way I’ve always been. I don’t want the weight of the world. I don’t want to worry. I don’t want the fear of missing something important, the fear of never following through, the fear that I may go through my life and miss the very thing He’s calling me to open my eyes to. But I’m searching now. I can honestly say I’m searching. The more I find Him, the more I’ll find myself. I guess that’s the way it should always be.

Too bad it hasn't always been.


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