Monday, June 20, 2005

You know we all hover between apathy and compassion
We fill up all our days with so much distraction
It makes it easier not to see what we don’t want to
But we all live here
We all live here
We all live lonely
~The Be Good Tanyas

Been in a bit of a funk lately. Thought some family time would do the trick. No luck. Maybe vacation will help but that’s still a couple weeks off. If I didn’t have to work tomorrow I think I might just get in my car and find the closest coast and just sit. I find myself wanting to be around people, but then as soon as I am, I wish I was by myself. Our purpose in life is to love other people, but sometimes that loving ends up causing an awful lot of hurting. I think I’m supposed to be learning something, and I’m not doing a very good job of figuring out just what that is. My patience with people has been low lately, but instead of getting frustrated anymore, I just feel sorry for them. For how they choose to live their life, for the level at which they’re experiencing life, for how much they’re missing. But should you really feel sorry when they don’t even know that they’re missing anything? I had a conversation with one of my closest friends last week. Somehow we started talking about passion and how it affects you. And I told him I didn’t understand how people could choose to live their lives so full of apathy. And lately I’ve been witness to a lot of apathy. Even if I don’t agree with what someone is passionate about, I can understand them better b/c I know what that feels like. I guess I just feel a little restless right now. Which always makes me want to go away. Not that I want to go away for good. Things here are actually going well. I guess I’m just going through one of those moments where I realize just how disconnected my community is. The people most important to me are all over the place and sometimes I guess that’s harder than others. Just feeling a little bit lost I suppose. And a little bit lonely.

It’s like we’re all playing this big game of hide and seek. How long do I have to seek when all I want to do is hide? I can’t even remember what I’m looking for it’s been so long since I’ve even had a glimpse. Sometimes even His face is harder to see than I remember it being. Is anyone looking for me or am I playing this game by myself? Sometimes it makes me tired. Sometimes I just want someone to hold my hand and look with me. I guess right now, that’s not what He wants. So, I’ll keep looking by myself. Maybe I’ll realize that this search is more than enough.



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