Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The other day as I was leaving my apartment, I found lying in the driveway next to my car, a Polaroid photograph. I’m not sure if it originally had an image on it, or if it just didn’t ever develop correctly but either way it was blank. Strangely enough, that’s kind of what my life looks like to me right now. Not blank in a negative sort of way, but blank in that for the first time in a really long time I have no idea what tomorrow looks like other than it’s probably not going to look like today. It looks like sometime in the next few months I’m going to have some pretty major life changes happening. Since it’s not really public knowledge and I don’t know for sure who reads this, I’m not going into it exactly until I know the details of it all.

They terrify me- the changes do, in that overwhelming, exciting, difficult, way too big to wrap my brain around sort of way. I don’t know what it’s going to look like. I don’t know how it’s going to feel. All I know is that if I’m not moving forward, I might as well be moving backwards and that’s how my life has been for a while. So it’s big. And it’s scary. And it’s going to change me. It’s already begun changing me. For the better I hope. It’s forced me into situations where I’ve had to admit to needing people. It’s made me cherish what I have with my family and with my friends that much more. It’s made me thankful that I’m independent. It’s made me see God again. It’s forced me to realize that some decisions have to be made selfishly. This has to be for me. And that as long as I have God as the focus of that, that’s ok. That’s a difficult lesson to learn. All I know is that my life right now is like that picture. It’s just blank, and for the first time in a long time I can’t wait to see what’s going to develop.


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