Thursday, August 28, 2003

Restless. Everyone around me is restless. Either caused from pain, or sorrow, or want, or even just plain dissatisfaction from where they are. I wonder why. I say this very tongue-in-cheek (a phrase I really never use) but truly, b/c I myself am incredibly restless. I become restless when I don't understand things, I become restless when the people I love are restless, therefore I've already got 2 strikes against me. I realized this week the biggest thing that makes me restless about my church. Don't get me wrong, I love my church, I can totally see why I'm here to serve in the areas that I'm called, to build relationships where people need nothing more than for someone to listen to them, and also to grow. I think God takes us out of the "fire" of life sometimes, b/c it's more than enough to try to fix the stuff that we're finding wrong with us personally. So what makes me restless about my church is that I can't sing here. In a literal sense, I sing on the praise teams, I sing in our weekend services, but I can't seem to sing here. I get little hints of singing as I lead my bible study and I realize that even if just for a moment, someone caught a glimpse of what I was trying to show them outside of their box. I find it when I'm laughing over something nonsensical my 9 year old sister has said, and I find it in my tears when I finally give to God something I've been holding on to for way too long. In my church services though, I have a hard time singing even in a literal sense. It's easier when I'm up closer to the front and everything is louder. Last week I sat in the back b/c I'd come in late from doing some sign-ups outside. And you would think that everyone was still sleeping around me. If they were singing, there was definitely no sort of volume coming out, and their spirits felt heavier as if they felt guilted into coming, but just weren't going to come that close to God. It was a strange feeling, and one that I'm going to avoid experiencing again. I think that's why I enjoy going to Common Ground so much, I feel a tiny bit guilty b/c I just go to be fed. I don't go to serve, granted I'm going to give back by worshiping with others, but essentially it's to see God through the people, through the preaching, and more than anything else, through the singing. Aside from worship conference in Tennessee and by myself, it's one of the few places I really feel totally open just worshipping. I know that's something that you should feel comfortable with anywhere, but when surrounded by people who I think are afraid to glimpse what God really is, it's hard to let your spirit go. At Common Ground the music is louder and heavier, and b/c everyone is packed together it's as if it's one voice rather than several hundred scattered across a large auditorium. And honestly, maybe these people are no different than those I experience in my church. Granted at Common Ground most of these people are all 20-somethings searching for a lot of the same things I'm looking for, community, and essentially God. I hate to use the cliche' Gen-X, b/c it's so much more than an age, it's a mentality, and a calling, a crying out to God. So in the last couple weeks I've gone to both, my home church and Common Ground and finally realized this Sunday why my heart longs for what it's finding at Common Ground. I can sing there. I can stand there and offer all that I am and it's enough. People here are afraid to even offer a hint of what they can be. There are exceptions to every rule, and while I don't necessarily connect here as I do other places- many do, and it's a great outreach. I just long for the day when we all truly worship in spirit and in truth. Anyway, with all these thoughts I've discovered a new song (and band actually). Why have I never heard of Travis before? Anyway, so I'll leave you with this song that's been my song of the week and everything that's going on in my mind and in my heart.

Sing~ Travis

Baby, you've been going so crazy
Lately, nothing seems to be going right
Solo, why do you have to get so low
You're so...
You've been waiting in the sun too long

But if you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing
For the love you bring won't mean a thing
Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing

Colder, crying on your shoulder
Hold her, and tell her everythings gonna be fine
Surely, you've been going to early
Hurry, cause no one's gonna be stopped

But if you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing
For the love you bring won't mean a thing
Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing

Baby, there's something going on today
But I say nothing, nothing, nothing,
Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing


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