Wednesday, August 13, 2003

True Colors by Cyndi Lauper
You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful ,
Like a rainbow
Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy , can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there
And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful ,
Like a rainbow


I’ve found myself a little life weary lately. Not really depressed. Just a little tired of life. That sounds terrible I know. But I’ve just felt weighed down. Or at least worse than usual. It’s amazing how much someone notices when a normally happy person is just a little lackluster. Yesterday in particular, I don’t even think I’d realized it, but I had several people, even after just talking for a minute, ask if I was ok. And my response that I was just tired, because really it sounds so pathetic to say I’m tired of life. It’s such a negative response even if I am just being honest. So, life weary is a better way of explaining it.

Last night was bible study, and I just didn’t feel mentally there beforehand. I didn’t feel like I’d prepared enough ahead of time, and I just didn’t feel like leading it to be honest. But I did, and what an amazing difference I felt afterwards. My outlook was better, my spirit was higher. It’s amazing the marked difference you’ll find after talking about something you’re passionate about. I know that the topic of this 3-month study is evangelism, but I just think of it as “Loving People”. Loving them as Christ loved us. I think I forget sometimes how important it is to let people know that they matter to you. I’ve been trying to do more of that lately, and the responses have surprised me. I guess I don’t think much about how much it matters to someone who is what I consider a casual friend to have been “missed.” A girl from our FISH Group was off for a summer job, and just recently got home. I always ask how she is when I run into her sister at church, so this Sunday her sister was walking in the same time as me, and stopped to tell me she was coming home that day. I told her to tell her I said Hi, and that I hoped to see her at FISH. When she came last night, she told me how happy it made her that one of the first things she heard on returning home, was that I was asking for her to try to come to FISH b/c I’d love to see her. That it was actually an answered prayer she didn't even realize she'd had. I hadn’t thought for a second about her response. I just genuinely wanted her to be there. We all want to be accepted. We all want to be loved. For who we are. For the very core of our being cries out for that understanding- that peace, that silently whispers, “I know.”

I know I mentioned in my journal the other day how refreshing it is to have someone who will disagree with you, and who makes you think. It’s amazing how much I’ve thought over again that few hours of conversation we had sitting in the middle of the noisy pub we always used to go to late Thursday nights in college. There in the middle of Nick’s, I realized just how much I’d missed him. I miss his thinking, and I miss his randomness. I miss having someone who thinks in metaphors, different from my own, but metaphors nonetheless. I miss having someone who’d sit on the porch with me, while I blow bubbles, then ask me why I did- and actually make me think about it. So in honor of him, my metaphorically speaking friend, I’m going to write down a little metaphor about relationships.

Most people spend their lives seeing in black and white. And they understand black and white, and don’t have any sort of idea that there are any colors even out there. Some others see a few colors, either from experiences (reminds me of the movie Pleasantville) or through people they meet. And while they’re better for it, they don’t realize that something is missing enough to want to search for it. Then there are the people, who not only see in complete color, but they themselves are a color you’ve never seen before. You don’t realize just how different they are from everyone else, till you just keep looking at the detail that goes into the development of this color- it’s like a Monet painting, the more you look, the more you see, and you realize that this color wasn’t just developed overnight, and you can’t fully appreciate it’s beauty with a single glance. So you’re drawn to them, inexplicably, again and again. Even when time passes, and you haven’t seem them in a while, you realize with just one glance, that even while time passes, and communication is lost- their color grows deeper. Through life, through love, through hurting, and being hurt. through abandonment, through loneliness, through searching and pain. Like a stained glass window when the sun hits it just right, the more they experience, the more light that shines through. Their color continues to just get deeper, and you realize more and more what an absolutely beautiful creation of God you’re witnessing, that He has honestly truly blessed you by allowing you to see it. And you’re called as a result of this experience, to allow yourself to be more transparent, so that others can see the light that He’s creating in You. The light of searching for just what it is we’re supposed to be doing.

Who can be life weary when surrounded by people are so full of life even when they don’t know it?

“Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world, I can’t stand it.”
~American Beauty

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