Monday, August 25, 2003

Here I am…

Today I feel a bit like maybe I’ve been in the starting block too long. It’s like I not only got ready to run the race, but I got down into position, and I’m just crouching there with all of my muscles screaming to either go somewhere or stand up for a while. I’m not at all sure what that means, but for some reason my body has this apprehensive feeling of anticipation. It’s been there for a while now, and the bad thing I’m not really sure that it’s going away anytime soon. I don’t really see the beginning of the race, but standing up and taking a break would almost be a step backward. All I know is I can’t stay here for much longer. It’s beginning to wear on me. It is bringing me closer to Him though. I can’t help but be more focused when my entire being is crying for some sort of understanding, or direction, or just a little comfort.

In Bible School yesterday we talked about the ways that we connect best to God. We covered the 7 different main areas that most falls under- (Relational, Nature, Intellectual, Contemplative, Worship and 2 more I can’t seem to remember) and how it’s good to look at the others and try to grow in those areas, while at the same time strengthening the way that you usually connect the best. Mine- not a surprise are Contemplative, and Worship. I’d say Relational is a close second there. Maybe that’s been the problem lately. I feel as if the people that I usually spend a great deal of time with who understand how I work, for one reason or another haven’t been available for a lot of one on one time. I can’t place the entirety of the blame elsewhere, b/c I know I’ve been too busy myself. I feel like I need a vacation. And I’d like to just take a handful of people with me, and just be for a while. Maybe several mini-vacations instead of everyone all together. Funny thing is, I don’t really want to talk as I just want us both to listen for a while. I’m not really sure what my prayer is right now. Sure I’d love direction, but I know that I’m learning a lot in this period of in-between as well. And I know the race is coming. I don’t want to rush with the preparation and not be as ready as I should be when the time comes. It’s a terrible state of limbo. I can’t go back to where I was, but not being sure just when I’m going to be ready to go forward is really starting to wear on me. I feel a bit like Alice trying to fit through the door. I’m either too big, or too small. Both being important, but just not yet right. Maybe I’m chasing the white rabbit- and I don’t know where he’s leading me. Maybe I’m moving so fast, I still feel like I’m standing still. Maybe this state of limbo is the best place to be.

My prayer for the last week or so has been the most recent in the “favorite song” list. Sometimes other people are so good at verbalizing what my innermost being is trying to express that I can’t help but adopt it as my own prayer.

Knees to the Earth- Christy Nockels

Wonderful Savior, My heart belongs to thee
I will remember always the blood You shed for me
Wonderful Savior, my heart will know Your worth
So let me embrace You always as I walk this earth

Be blessed, be loved, be lifted high
Be treasured here, be glorified
I owe my life to You, my Lord
Here I am

Beautiful Jesus, how may I bless Your heart
Knees to the earth I bow down to everything You are
Beautiful Jesus, You are my only worth
So I will embrace You always as I walk this earth

Be blessed, be loved, be lifted high
Be treasured here, be glorified
I owe my life to You, my Lord
Here I am

Sacred Revolution- Passion One Day '03


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