Friday, August 06, 2004

I’m alone in the universe
So alone in the universe.
I’ve found magic but they don’t see it.
They all call me a lunatic.
Ok, call me a lunatic.
If I stand on my own, so be it.

‘Cause I have wings
Yes, I can fly
Around the moon and far beyond the sky
And one day soon I know there you’ll be
One small voice in the universe
One true friend in the universe
Who believes in me…

I’ve realized something lately. I’m not sure that the realization of it really helps at all, in fact in some ways it maybe makes it worse. I think that the one emotion I hate more than any others is loneliness. Maybe b/c I have no sort of warning when it’s coming. I never understand it. I can be completely surrounded by the people that I love most in the world, and it will hit me. And to be completely honest it pisses me off. It makes me really angry at myself. Maybe that’s not the right reaction to have, but it makes me feel as if I have some sort of weakness that I desperately try to hide most of the time. I know that it’s natural to feel lonely. I know it’s human nature, but for some reason there’s some sort of vulnerability factor that comes into play that immediately makes me angry. I’ve never been one of those girls who gets so wrapped up in finding a guy or keeping a guy that it consumed who I was. Or at least I haven’t been in years. I don’t even like to admit to being lonely. I feel like that says something about me that I don’t like. That there’s a part of me that doesn’t feel complete, that the weddings of some of my closest friends end up being double edged swords, that the minute I meet someone I wonder what if. And then I feel guilty. Here I am in a place that I know God has called me, in a job that is so much more than I ever could’ve asked for, surrounded by people that I love, and I still feel like something is missing. I wonder if people that stay single their entire lives always feel that way? I don’t even know why I’m writing about this, it’s bad enough that I admit these things to myself. I don’t know why I end up mad at myself. In some ways it just makes me stubborn. I’ll do things by myself I never would’ve considered doing before b/c I refuse to not do something just b/c I’m alone. But in other ways I worry- that I hate so much admitting to being lonely that I block myself off from feeling things that I should allow myself to feel.

Spent some time this weekend with an old friend. He’s getting married in September and it was his fiance’s bridal shower. I had a lot of fun and I miss spending more time with him. The only downfall was that he felt like I’d want to drive around and see how much the old places have changed. To be perfectly honest, I’d rather leave that part of Cincinnati in the past. I’m over it and I understand how things turned out the way that they did, but there are some things that I think will always be hard to relive. Those parts of my past that I thought were going to be my future. Anyway-

On a completely unrelated note, Friday afternoon I booked a weekend flight to NY with my co-workers for October. It was one of those “Hey do you guys want to go with us?” and 5 minutes later I was booking a flight. Really is there any sort of question involved? J And I’m going to see Wicked, which makes me so excited I can’t breathe. Seriously. Know what else makes me excited? Yes, Nickel Creek. That concert is now less than a week away. Nothing better than an evening road trip to Cleveland, OH on a Tuesday evening for some high quality music with My beloved Jenny. I might add that I just discovered yesterday that Cleveland is 5 hours away. Hmmm, did I realize it was 5 hours when I booked the trip? Nope. But I’m also not too concerned about it. It’s more than worth it, I’ll just be a little tired on Wednesday. Yesterday was our work “retreat” to Mackinac Island. We had a fantastic time. I’m pretty sure that it had nothing to do with the Island however (although it was really nice) and everything to do with the fact that when we spend time together as a group, all we do is laugh the whole time. I seriously laughed till I cried yesterday. It was great. And of course I made it home with some nice fudge. Ok, guess I should get something done. B/t/w if any of you can actually name the song and where it came from above, I’ll be very impressed. (And googling it doesn’t count.)


Blogger Emily said...

Much I want to say, but I'll limit it to this for the moment. I love you and I hate these times for you. I know you know that when I say I understand, I kind of do, because I know you well and I know your heart and your struggles and your loves and your fears...and they are all amazing.

P.s. The song is from Seussical the Musical

11:32 AM  
Blogger ty said...

i don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but there are times that even as a married person i've felt loneliness. and it's not b/c our marriage isn't incredible, b/c it is. but i think you're right in saying it's a normal human emotion. there's something deep within us that surfaces at times that somehow makes us feel like no one gets us and no one understand us - even those who really do.

i saw the friend you referenced tonight in cincinnati. josh and i took a road trip to see tasha and justin and he and his fiancee came. :) great to see them. and strangely cincinnati feels so foreign and yet like home to us. it's a weird thing.

12:49 AM  
Blogger keith said...

stupid ass married friends!
love you liz,

12:08 PM  

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